· Monday night music round-up: Sia (not that this isn't going to haunt her for the rest of her life already, but she's the one who did the song from the end of the Six Feet Under finale) at The Troubadour; the New York Dolls at Spaceland (for free, no less).
· Curb Your Enthusiasm producer Bob Weide sits down with satirist Mort Sahl, about whom Wiede has written a documentary, at the Writers Guild Theatre. To chat, we assume.
· GalifianakisTracker: The feral Comedians of Comedy cast member can be seen with assorted friends tonight at Largo. Avoid the sidewalk on Fairfax in front of the club tonight lest you be snatched and brought on stage for some incredibly uncomfortable banter.

In this new era of George Clooney-sponsored celebrity sighting sabotage, today's PrivacyWatch Special Edition must carry an extra disclaimer: Not only is this pair of sightings not fact-checked, they could have originated from the mischeivous Clooney himself, or an ambitious publicist trying to take down the entire fucking system:

Thank God those middle-school girls were fast, because the last thing a star at the height of his romantic comedy powers needs is a statuatory rape scandal.

American Idol fan favorite and heir apparent to the adult contemporary metal throne Chris Daughtry has been accused of rocking a bird to death, according to TMZ.com:

Tom Cruise's publicity tour for M:i:III has kicked off in earnest, with the actor temporarily abandoning largely immobile Miracle Baby incubator Katie Holmes to jet off to Germany (where even the most unconventional of America's stars are embraced with open, Teutonic arms) to hawk his blockbuster wares. A round-up of recent Cruise tidbits:

Jaunted dug up (link NSFW) something for the DVD extra materials of this season's The Amazing Race, CBS' addictive reality adventure in which pairs circle around the globe collecting clues and getting photographed shirtless and wasted in compromising all-male bunny-hop scenarios. Pictured are Jeremy and Eric, TAR's resident depilated, Mystic Tanned ladies' men, being cheered up over the elimination of their "tongue wrestling" partners Danielle and Dani by the San Francisco hippie tag team of BJ and Tyler. There's nothing like a case of Tecate, a pack of Parliament Lights, and the feel of quadruple-decker manflesh sandwich to get your minds off the memory of the sweet lady lovin' you left behind a half a world away.

· Crown/Harmony Books buys former MPAA head Jack Valenti's memoir, which the superannuated lobbyist promises is not a "get-even book." However, he promises that Jack Valenti: My Life Dueling The Rapethirsty Pirates Bent On Repeatedly Violating The Entertainment Industry's Virginal Maids With Their Digital Instruments Of Unparalleled Evil will contain "a lot of interesting stories about some famous people." [Variety]
· PilotWatch, Dead Guys Resurrected Edition: Recently nerve-gassed 24 player Sean Astin is in negotiations to star in ABC's comedy The Guys, while Roger Bart, the creepy, gay-seeming Desperate Housewives pharmacist recently suicided off Wisteria Lane, joins CBS' comedy My Ex-Life.[THR]
· Precocious SNL star Andy Samberg and his Lonely Island partners quickly cash in on their "Lazy Sunday" buzz, signing up to star in and direct Hot Rod, "about an accident-prone daredevil who plans to jump Snake River on a moped in an effort to emulate his hero Evel Knievel and win over his hard-to-please stepfather." Sounds a little iffy, but luckily they've got to wait a little longer before they have access to Jimmy Fallon-level career-killing scripts like Taxi. [Variety]
·A twenty-nine second clip premiered before Ice Age: The Meltdown announces that fans of The Simpsons will have to wait until July 27, 2007 to see Homer delightfully sociopathic tendencies on the big screen. [THR]
· The WB/UPN hybrid network abomination The CW jilts Los Angeles proper to set up its headquarters in Burbank, leaving Fox and CBS as the only major nets remaining on the right side of the hill. [Variety]

Wilmer Valderrama's career and baffling popularity is a testament to the utter randomness of the Hollywood starmaking system: That no matter how thick your accent or thin your talent, you too can ride your 8-inch Latin love rocket to the top of the Hollywood pecking order, perhaps even taking a Mandy Moore-type's cherry along the way. As followers of all things Valderrama have surely gathered by now, any interview will inevitably hit upon one of two subjects: 1) Valderrama reflecting on how to take his career to the next level; and 2) Valderrama reflecting on the actresses he's nailed. Sometimes, however, such as in a profile in today's NY Times in support of his new MTV schoolyard insult competition Yo Momma, there's room for both:

Saturday's LAT story about the billboard (pictured above) featuring Chris Farley's image to advertise a new addiction treatment at first struck us as an April Fool's Day gag, but then we realized that the Times' lawyers would probably burn down their headquarters before exposing themselves to a lawsuit over a joke. The mastermind behind the billboard, which is going up over Sunset Boulevard at Crescent Heights today, explains their innovative marketing strategy:

Having effortlessly executed the high degree of difficulty "automobile manufacturer fashion show sideboob flash with optional nipple slip" last month, Lindsay Lohan was looking for a fresh challenge in the unexpectedly-exposed-celebrity-body-parts-at-public-events arena. However, no one could have foreseen her triumph at Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards. Perhaps sensing that the young fans who made her a star during her Freaky Friday and The Parent Trap years weren't quite ready for an innocence-stealing areola-baring, Lohan instead repaid her prepubescent admirers by treating them to a fleeting, PG-13-appropriate glimpse of her hindquarters. Click on the picture above (may be NSFW) to de-pixelate the exposed area and fully inspect Lohan's latest accomplishment.

The bad news: Hollywood didn't burn down over the weekend, taking your cubicle, desk, and job with it. The good news: The box office numbers are still here, too.

· Displaced celebrity refugees will soon be seen wandering the streets, confused and afraid, as the Roosevelt Hotel buys out Amanda Scheer Demme's contract, shutting down Teddy's and the Trop.
· Stacey Snider is finally free to head over to DreamWorks.
· The Pellicanist: Could Bert Fields stubborn Pellicano-stink be driving his co-workers elsewhere?
· George Clooney has a plan to foil those rascally no-goodniks at Gawker.
· When Mitch Hurwitz says Arrested Development's over, it's over. Sort of.
· A stuntman sues Mission: Impossible 3 for being burned so severely, he can no longer sleep with his wife. We're sure M:i:III star Tom Cruise can totally empathize.
· Star Jones wants everyone to know that that desperate call to 911 as she almost bled to death was really no biggie.
· Because Crash winning Best Picture wasn't bad enough, we now have "Crash Day."
· Santino Rice is a yard sale-having dreamboat!
· Matt LeBlanc to re-team with Matthew Perry in no-camera reality show about two ex-sitcom stars hitting LA's club scene looking to get laid.
· GLAAD gives its trophy to the gay cowboys.
· Happy Birthday, Brett. May all your Broadway dreams come true.
· Wouldn't it be fun to see the Arquettes show up wasted and get into a violent melee at the podium?
· Aw, don't worry Whitney. A little Comet will get that right off.
· Now we know what that huge protest march was all about.
· Ryan Seacrest makes out with Teri Hatcher's nostril.
· Paula Abdul's not going anywhere. (And not just 'cause she's drugged unconscious.)

As our much rounded-up Sharon Stone Crazywatch Week draws to a close, we thought we'd draw the fun out just a little bit longer by sharing Stone's Instinct 2 rider, which you may recall was first made available by The Smoking Gun a few years ago during one of the interminable legal proceedings that kept her big comeback vehicle from getting off the ground. There's plenty here to scoff at, from demanding her own Pilates equipment (did she mention she gets naked in the movie?) to a $3500/week per diem (crazy don't come cheap!) to a ban of all on-set cigar smoke (despite, TSG points out, having been Cigar Aficionado's Jan '04 cover girl). And sure, two assistants and three nannies might seem excessive, but when you see the results on the screen, we think you'll agree it was all worth it.

Friday
· March-ending music round-up: Lucinda Williams at the El Rey; Nous Non Plus at Spaceland; The Dan Band at Avalon; Her Space Holiday at The Troubadour.
· Filmmaker and Andy Warhol Factory worker Mary Woronov presents the 1931 Bela Lugosi version of Dracula at the Skirball.
Saturday
· April Fool's Day music (though shows are real, as far as we can tell): Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins at the Orpheum Theater; IV Thieves (formerly Nic Armstrong and the Thieves) at Spaceland; The Cloud Room and Film School at the Troubadour.
· Not to disrespect any of the other poets on the bill at Beyond Baroque in Venice on Saturday, but: Viggo!
· Aimee Bender, Morgan Murphy, Jessica Chaffin, and a cast of thousands join writer Jill Soloway's Heaping Portion 2 at IO West, a celebration for "for Jews and the people who love them."
Sunday
· Just because the LA Derby Dolls are merely scrimmaging at the Y in North Hollywood doesn't mean that someone's not going to lose a tooth.
· It's Sunday night, so let's take it easy, OK?: UCLA Live presents Billy Collins and Mary Chapin Carpenter for An Evening of Spoken Word and Song at Royce Hall.

We'd hate to send you off to the joyful annihilation of happy hour without getting to your blind item guesses, so let's close that account, shall we? But first, re-sample the pillow-biting wonders of One Tuchis-Time Blind Vice:

The best part of inevitable blockbuster X:3 may turn out to be the publicity blitz that precedes the movie's release, if for no other reason than various press obligations have granted us unprecedented access to the endlessly fasincating mind of fauxteur Brett Ratner. In the last couple of weeks alone, we've been allowed to vicariously experience a day of unparalleled starfucking, gained some insight into Ratner's casting methodology, and in this recent, fan-submitted Q & A, learned a little bit about the director's hopes and dreams:

It's hard to believe that the current 8th season of Will & Grace will be its last, a mere five seasons after it first started running out of clever double-entendres for ass-fucking and, by extension, quickly began to overstay its welcome. Sure, they managed to grab our attention from time to time, usually by dangling gimmicks and guest stars in front of us like a shiny set of rainbow-colored keys, but at the end of the day, it was really impossible to escape the Eric McCormack-ness of it all. Blogger Mr. Nightlife attended a taping of the first part of the two-part season finale, and was more than eager to ruin the surprise for everyone. Here's an exerpt (and gigantic, series-ender spoiler alert):

Join us in slaughtering the fatted calf in tribute to this week's sponsors, whom we worship with the fervor of a Kool-Aid gulping cult. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and enjoy the same kind of amazing devotion, see this page.

· Fox's new teen-obsessed division is starting to pull its shit together, finally choosing a name (Fox Atomic) that seems like it's trying to capture the attention of Nickelodeon-obsessed 11-year-olds. But what do we know? We didn't spend tens of thousands on branding research, so we probably would've gone with Fox's Rainbow Party. [Variety]
· Either Arrested Development's Jeffrey Tambor or MPAA head Dan Glickman has been cast in the NBC comedy pilot Twenty Good Years. [THR]
· Warner Bros. casts Mandy Moore and Robin Williams in the romantic comedy License to Wed, but you can swallow down the bile rising in your throat—The Office's John Krasinski is in talks to play the love interest, sparing us all the thought of Moore and Williams making out. [Variety]
· With American Idol giving up Thursdays after it downshifted to just two episodes a week, CSI gets back to the business of kicking in the teeth all other shows daring to broadcast on its night. [THR]
· Yeah, we mentioned this at the end of the day yesterday, but Warner Bros. announced that at least 20 minutes of
Superman Returns will be converted into IMAX 3-D, allowing fans to believe that various super-appendages might break free of the giant movie screen and slam them in the face. [Variety]