Friday
· Gnarls Barkley (featuring Danger Mouse & Cee-Lo) will be at the Roxy for a not-so-secret show in, oh, about three hours. Leave now.
· The ArcLight screens Water with a Q&A with the director's daughter, the author of Shooting Water, the story of how the two reconnected. Got that? No? Then read this.
Saturday
· In case you live under the proverbial rock, Saturday is the first day of Coachella. Have fun in the desert with 70,000 or so of your best friends.
· Literary supergroup Rock Bottom Remainders (Dave Barry, Ridley Pearson, Scott Turow, Amy Tan, Mitch Albom, Matt Groening, Kathi Kamen Goldmark, and Greg Iles) put on a benefit concert for 826LA at UCLA's Royce Hall. You really haven't lived until you've seen Dave Barry rock out with his cock out.
Sunday
· Day two of Coachella has you tired, broken, and wishing you were home on the couch, but overcome any quitter's impulse by taking some more drugs to ride out any moments of weakness.
· Those not still stranded in Indio can relax at the spoken-word Tongue & Groove event at the Hotel Cafe.

It's merely a subject line in the Coachella message board's gossip thread, so we're not sure it qualifies as anything more substantial than total hearsay, but CityRag points us to five little words that we feel compelled to share: Tom Cruise DJ Set Rumor.

We're not entirely sure how Pamela Anderson goes about choosing an oppressed species upon which to focus her tireless animal rights crusade, though we like to imagine it involves a hotel suite filled with drunken strippers and a round of Spin the Bottle modified to incorporate the use of an Old McDonald See 'n Say. In any case, Anderson has moved on from the shores of her home and native land and its seal-clubbing controversy to the more localized topic of the use of orangutans in show business, a practice she condemns in an editorial she wrote for the Opinion Journal:

• Warning: Paramount To Explode Within The Hour [Defamer]

Defamer is committed to bringing together those who've spent their lives honing an impressive repertoire of salutations and organizations looking to make a clean break from their recent, customer-hostile pasts. The Roosevelt Hotel, home of infamously exclusive celebrity glory-holes Tropicana Bar and Teddy's, turns to Craiglist's inexhaustible talent pool to officially end the Amanda Scheer Demme Era:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you overheard Winona Ryder confide in a Barneys salesperson about her addiction to doing laundry.

Join us in celebrating our eternal commitment to this week's sponsors, whom we would never attack in court, even if they consumed huge amounts of suspicious online porn and visited the occasional call girl. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and buy our undying love, see this page.

· Various people whom former mananger and current Paramount chief Brad Grey has helped make incredibly rich (Brad Pitt, Adam Sandler, HBO), claim that Vanity Fair's big story on the Anthony Pellicano investigation is full of inaccuracies and fabrications. And Grey's Paramount flack isn't happy (shocker!) either: "Specific allegations and statements made by unnamed sources about Brad Grey in Vanity Fair's piece on Anthony Pellicano are total fabrications." [Variety]
· THR finds the most unflattering picture possible to illustrate their story on Jon Favreau's hiring by Marvel Studio to develop and direct an adaptation of Iron Man. Seriously, that pic is just plain mean. [THR]
· Lindsay Lohan signs up for her next opportunity to be accused of sleeping with a smarmy older guy, joining Adrien Brody in the cast of the romantic comedy Speechless. Go ahead and try and say "Brohan" to yourself without inducing a seizure, we dare you. [Variety]
· Fox makes pre-upfronts pick-ups of comedy 'Til Death and drama Vanished, while NBC renews its committment to being Dick Wolf's bitch by bringing back all three Law & Order series. [THR]
· The buzz-killing plagiarism scandal over the novel How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life has DreamWorks slowly backing away from the suddenly radioactive material it had planned to adapt. [Variety]

No, not even a show about the escapades of a group of oversexed LA lesbians and starring Jennifer Beals could convince us to pay the Showtime subscription fee, though we must admit they have just sweetened the deal with the addition of Marlee Matlin to the cast. According to the AP, Matlin's character is "a fiery artist who catches the attention of Jennifer Beals' character." We're pretty sure "fiery" in this instance is family-friendly newspaper code for "insatiable woman-on-woman-loving slutbag," though the coyly reported story makes no guarantees Matlin will submit to the onetime Flashdancing welder's allure. USA Today's caption on the accompanying photo further confuses things, claiming Matlin is "Jessica Biel's new love interest,"* which we'll dismiss as the unfortunate byproduct of a horny photo editor allowing his deskbound fantasies to bleed into his professional life.

Wherein we invite our readers to doff their modesty towels and submit themselves to the full-service treatment of humpy E! gossip masseur Ted Casablanca, and in the afterglow of their vigorously delivered release, take a stab at the identity of his weekly blind item. Cover yourself in the heated rocks of One Lucky Bastard Blind Vice:

Just when you thought he had been all but effectively neutered by the showbiz establishment, Hollywood's Cuddliest Gangster, Snoop Dogg, has reverted back to his thug-life roots. In about as unfair a battle royale pairing as we can imagine, the hip-hop star and his entourage of over 30 hulking Snoopettes pummeled a small army of British Airways staff and London's nightstick-twirling finest after being refused entry to the VIP lounge at Heathrow:

The ugly he-said-she's-a-lying-publicity-whore/ she-said-he's-a-violent- pill-abusing-whoremonger- with-a-taste-for-jailbait-porn fallout from the public disclosure of Denise Richard's divorce declaration last Friday continues to contaminate everything in its path, with estranged husband Charlie Sheen's manager expressing his outrage that the couple's messy split is being played out in nasty soundbites in the press by issuing a nasty soundbite to Page Six:

Troubled, lesser Baldwin brother Daniel (Homicide, not Bio-Dome or Sliver) further eroded the legacy of Hollywood's most storied clan by being arrested for cocaine possession in Santa Monica motel on Saturday. Reports Court TV:

· TVGasm has some good, clean, profoundly disturbing fun mixing and matching various facial features from Paula Abdul and Michael Jackson. Happy nightmares!
· Hey, killer chimps!
· Tom Hanks writes a love note to his retiring longtime make-up artist in the NY Times so genuinely moving and sincere that we hardly understand why we're linking to it. We're getting soft.
· Get ready for the rimshot: Hmm, that's funny, we'd always pegged Ryan Seacrest as a meat-eater. But not a bad trade-up in hetero photo-op partners from Teri Hatcher to two skinny vegetarians.
· George Clooney exercises great care in selecting the companies to whom he's willing to whore himself out.

Turns out all those sightings of George Clooney in Darfur weren't just meant to throw celebrity-stalking internet bloodhounds off the case. Clooney and his father indeed visited the region, and were horrified at what they witnessed while they were there:

The LA Weekly's Nikki Finke reports that CAA has confirmed that Angelina Jolie is no longer their client, an abrupt shitcanning that ends the actress's yearlong fling with the agency. We'd ascribe the move to late-pregnancy hormonal mood-swings, but we suspect that with the birth of her first biological child imminent, the agency's trademark baby-devouring displays of loyalty suddenly became distasteful to the expectant mom. But don't think that CAA is going to give up without a fight; a loss-prevention team has already been dispatched to Jolie's bungalow in Namibia, where they will seek to win back their A-list client by feeding the paparazzi photographer of her choice to a lion.

Nick Lachey's tearful testimonial to Rolling Stone about the end of his marriage—you know, the one that was poised to perfectly coincide with the release of his album and land him on the cover, but instead landed him on the front of RS sister publication Us Weekly working his best gay cruise billboard model look—has devastated ex-wife Jessica Simpson, according to an anonymous, yappy-mouthed "friend" of Lachey's:

We'll keep this as brief as possible, but Extra is reporting that Rosie O'Donnell will be named as the newest cackling hen in The View's celebrity chicken pen tomorrow. (Patricia Heaton fans, please stop running the bath and put away those razor blades, she'll get another job. Everything's gonna be OK, we promise.) We immediately paid a visit to Rosie's blog for any hint of the news, but as we expected, all we could find was a typical stream-of-consciousness haiku ending in this American Idol meditation: "idol is on now/i wonder if paula will cry/or be slurry/whassss up dooogggg."

· The Writers Bloc brings Frank McCourt (the Angela's Ashes one, not the one who owns the Dodgers, so arrange your plans accordingly ) together in conversation with journalist/novelist Anne Taylor Fleming at the Fine Arts Theatre in Beverly Hills.
· Music round-up: The Vacation and The Sun (who blew us away opening for another band at the Viper Room a couple of years ago, when they were like, 15) at the Knitting Factory; Ringside at the Roxy; Helen Stellar at the Troubadour.
· Comedy militia Cup of Tea presents "The Business of Business" at IO West, featuring their "skewed take on corporate culture," and if there's a repeat of last week's event, a chance of seeing the Kumar guy from the White Castle movie in the audience.

· So we finally got around to wading through the huge Vanity Fair piece on the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century—let's just say that WiFi reaches the bathroom and leave it at that—and were slightly disappointed that Nicole Kidman stopped short of our turkey-baster line in her eavesdropped conversation, but did reportedly taunt the unwanted guests on the line with the occasional, "So, Tom, are you listening? Am I saying what you want me to say?" (Clearly, she was constitutionally too feisty for that marriage to work.) But the rest of the piece is apparently damaging enough that... [Vanity Fair]
· ...the US Attorney's Office told VF writer John Connolly that the Pelican has threatened his safety, and Pellicano's ex-wife Kat, featured extensively in the story, claims that she didn't give her permission to be quoted. That sound you are hearing is the splat of several shits hitting mupltiple fans. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]
· Crushing irony alert: Pellicano has accused the feds of spying on him in prison. But as far as we can tell, he hasn't yet claimed they bugged the phone that lets him communicate with guests through the glass barrier in the visitor's cubicle. [LAT]
· And what of guilty-pleading Die Hard director John McTiernan's future projects? Courthouse News reports: "Bms Picture Three has sued John McTiernan for fraud and breach of contract in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming he failed to inform Bms that he was being investigated for hiring private eye Anthony Pellicano, of wiretap fame, and McTiernan has failed to perform and may not be able to direct the movie Crash Bandits." [Courthouse News]