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We're not entirely sure how Pamela Anderson goes about choosing an oppressed species upon which to focus her tireless animal rights crusade, though we like to imagine it involves a hotel suite filled with drunken strippers and a round of Spin the Bottle modified to incorporate the use of an Old McDonald See 'n Say. In any case, Anderson has moved on from the shores of her home and native land and its seal-clubbing controversy to the more localized topic of the use of orangutans in show business, a practice she condemns in an editorial she wrote for the Opinion Journal:

King Kong is my hero. He's big, muscular, sensitive, a terrific actor—and he's not real. The use of computer-generated imagery has really taken off in Hollywood. So why has Madison Avenue suddenly gone bananas for real apes? Chimpanzees are our closest living relatives, with at least 95% of the same DNA. We're closer to them than they are to gorillas, so when I see chimpanzees being used as on-screen comedians, dressed up in silly costumes to sell credit cards, I think, Is this any way to treat a relative? [...]

By the time chimpanzees are 7, they're stronger than Vin Diesel and can pull your head off. When they can no longer be disciplined, they're abandoned like trash. Zoos don't want them, and the few sanctuaries for abused apes can't possibly take them all.

There are valuable lessons to be learned on both sides of Anderson's run-on metaphor involving Hollywood's voiceless simian victims and Vin Diesel. Yes, watching their unintentionally hilarious performances might send audiences into side-splitting hysterics, but eventually some new animal star will show up to steal the spotlight—a duck, for example—at which point they'll find themselves "abandoned like trash" and unable to find a gig even on the Safari Adventure circuits. Anderson is right: Forcing Vin Diesel to act is inhumane.