· Music round-up: Lavender Diamond at Safari Sam's; Fear at Key Club; Heartless Bastards at Knitting Factory; Los Abandoned at the Troubadour.
· The Mark Taper Forum hosts the musical 13, a staged representation of what your childhood might have looked like without the profoundly scarring moments that influenced you to one day move to Los Angeles.
· Colson "The Intuitionist" Whitehead reads from latest novel, Apex Hides the Hurt, at Skylight Books.

Because we know that your curiosity about the structures in which CAA's phalanx of Armani-clad stormtroopers plan their ongoing takeover of the industry knows no bounds, we direct your attention to today's piece in Slate about the disposition of the agency's recently abandoned, I.M. Pei-designed HQ now that all of its soul-acquiring operations have been shifted to the new Century City location, which ponders why the Evil Zen Temple That Michael Ovitz Built remains without a tenant:

Paparazzi were staking out the downtown set of The Invasion at the precise moment a car chase shot went awry, sending the entire rig careening into a lamppost. Corroborating initial reports, several stunt-zombies are clearly visible in the video hanging from the windshield at the moment of impact, though they appear to have sustained no serious injuries as they climb off the wreck, presumably to get their Undead Local 181 union heads on the phone. Nicole Kidman emerged and was quickly whisked away for a precautionary trip to the hospital; while a team of doctors determined that there was nothing physically wrong with her, it was only after she passed a battery of psychological tests measuring her emotional response to photos of a variety of lamposts she might later encounter during shooting that she was discharged.

In an attempt to provide Oscar voters with all the background information necessary to make a thoroughly informed decision on this year's Best Supporting Actress award, the British Sun has helpfully spotlighted the best of all five nominated thespians' previous nude work (link NSFW), performances that no doubt impacted this year's Academy-recognized contributions to their craft. While we'll admit that we're not exactly sure what it means when Penelope Cruz's nipples are compared to "a blind cobbler's thumbs" or when front-running sexagenarian monarch/vixen Helen Mirren's breasts are called a "poignant metaphor of a pair of Wombles' noses snuffling at a plate of truffles," we're sure that their peers will be able to find a way to integrate the tabloid's painstaking research into their upcoming deliberative endeavors.

In San Francisco to attend his tribute at SF Sketchfest, Paul Reubens answered many questions regarding the fate of his greatest creation, noted bicycle-fetishist Pee-wee Herman. He mentioned another movie starring the toy-hoarding manchild was in development, featuring all of the original Playhouse characters. Later pressed for some behind-the-scenes dirt, Reubens offered up this childhood-sullying recollection:

· Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni sign on for two more years of Law & Order: Sexy Victims Unit (that's what it's called, right? We get so confused.), getting pay raises that catapult them into the rarefied territory of Charlie Sheen-level remuneration. [Variety]
· Fox files a subpoena trying to uncover the identity of the scofflaw who posted entire episodes of The Simpsons and 24 on the YouTubes; if successful, parent company News Corp. will petition to have the pirate punished by being locked in a MySpace chat window with a known sexual predator to teach him (or her) a lesson about abusing the power of the internet. [THR]
· Eddie Murphy is in talks to star in the Paramount comedy NowhereLand, though it's unclear from the project's brief description where the star's contractually mandated opportunity to disappear into a latex fat suit will come. [Variety]
· The American Idol Nielsen h-bomb flattens competing network Nagasakis and incinerates the minds of 36.9 million helpless TV victims. [THR]
· Condo-hopping dealmakers compete to make thrilling Sundance acquisitions into the wee hours. [Variety]

While presidential hopeful Barack Obama seems to have all but locked up the endorsement of DreamWorks' Hollywood kingmaking troika with the announcement of an upcoming fundraiser aimed at perpetuating the spread of Obamamania through the entertainment industry community, Hillary "The Experienced Alternative" Clinton is far from conceding the town to her adversary, setting up her own local opportunity to circle a luxury hotel ballroom, tossing show business blood money in a burlap sack as wealthy diners consume their dinner. Reports Var on the rapidly approaching orgies of political starfuckery:

An accident on the downtown set of The Invasion, an updated, big-screen treatment of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, may have reaped untold whiplash damage on Hollywood's Highest Paid Actress™ Nicole Kidman. From AccessHollywood.com:

Yesterday, we noted the launch of ParisExposed.com, the leading online destination for viewing the latest wave of Paris Hilton-produced media that remind the world of the reason the tabloid-ubiquitous hotel heiress is famous: for an unselfconscious willingness to document various physical expressions of her sexuality in front of a video recording device. Our glory-hole-quality-inspecting sister site Fleshbot notes [link probably NSFW] that generous citizens of the internets have already thrown wide the door on Hilton's virtual storage locker and digitally liberated some of its contents, and has compiled a gallery of screengrabs [link definitely NSFW] of images supplied by their pervy operatives. Sadly, there's still no photographic evidence of the hastily improvised Discarded Pet Kinkajou Burial Ground we believed had been set up in a cluttered corner of the locker, but there are some of Hilton demonstrating the hottest trend in barely concealed recreational drug use from the local club scene, the Tampon Blunt.

It feels like months since we've had any reports on Lindsay Lohan's progress in rehab or seen any paparazzi videos aimed at taking the anonymous out of AA, so decelerated has the once-constant Lohan news cycle become since the chronically exhausted quick-healer checked into the Wonderland Center. Finally, People offers a small update on her status which might temporarily quell the delirium tremens of sudden Lohan deprivation:

· Entourage's Lloyd, perhaps television's most visible victim of workplace homophobia, takes a shot at Isaiah Washington.
· Paul Rudd on the practice of donating Sundance swag to charity: "I actually don't believe in charity. By working hard and entertaining the world, I think I deserve a cashmere stereo." We kind of wish he wasn't kidding—he really does deserve to take that cashmere stereo back home with him.
· TMZ blows the lid off the parking ticket Brandy received two months after her involvement in a fatal car crash.
· Here's a headline in our feed reader we didn't bother exploring further: Garner tells how ring fell into a drain. Do let us know how it turned out for her.
· Jennifer Aniston's septum re-undeviated.

In just a few minutes, those invited to the first installment of CAA's two-day open house for its new Century City stronghold will self-park their cars, submit to a brief body-cavity search checking for explosives supplied by rival tenpercenteries (Paradigm's suicide bombers are particularly sneaky, as they really have nothing to lose), and then commence their tour of the evil agenting monolith's state-of-the-art facilities, gaping in wonder at their gleaming new Soul Containment Unit or enjoying a freshly blended refreshment from the cafeteria's dedicated baby-smoothie bar. But first, according to a tipster, all underlings must be driven from the building and onto the abandoned streets of The CC:

• Jean Claude Van Damme Hides Boner [YouTube]

While he received steady competition over the years from various Sweat Hogs and Robbie Benson-types, the undisputed teenybopper lust-object champion of the early 1980s was Scott Baio, who parlayed a gig playing Happy Days' resident heartthrob, Charles 'Chachi' Arcola, into a reputation for being one of the greatest sexual conquistadors in Hollywood history. But, alas, as Baio asks in a 60-page book proposal which has come into Radar's possession, "If I have access to all these wonderful, gorgeous, voluptuous women, then how come I'm still on my own?" Perhaps the answer lies in his earliest sexual memories, such as this excerpt chronicling the loss of his virginity to a couch:

· Music round-up: Deerhoof at the El Rey; The Jane Doe's at the Knitting Factory; Cold Forty Three at the Troubadour.
· AFI's 100 Years...100 Movies screening series hosts the Bette Davis/Joan Crawford classic What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (soon to be remade with Charlotte Rae and Joan Collins) at the ArcLight. [via flavorpill]
· Greg Proops once again brings his eponymous Chat Show to Largo, where he'll mercilessly interrogate Dana Gould and Wayne Brady while serenaded by the music of Jon Brion.

Hoping to keep their conference from devolving into a starfucker-riddled orgy of swag suites attended by people who sneer,"What's the best Third World microlending panel I've seen this year? Are you fucking kidding? I'm just here for the parties," organizers of this year's World Economic Forum in Davos are eschewing the participation of the Hollywood do-gooders whose attendance often overshadowed the substance of the 2006 event:

Longtime followers of Paris Hilton's tabloid-attracting antics may recall that about a year ago, a lapsed storage locker bill resulted in the selling off of a cache of Hilton's belongings, but probably lost interest in the story when her surrendered junk failed to surface in a timely fashion. As of yesterday, the website ParisExposed.com, which obtained the prized possessions through a broker, has started offering a virtual tour of the items in Hilton's long-forgotten celebutard treasure trove (which apparently include, but aren't limited to, miscellaneous sex tapes, diaries, love notes, personal photos, videos of her pals doing enough blow to paralyze an entire VIP section's worth of Greek shipping heirs, and a box containing the discarded carcasses of pet monkeys who quickly expired from her neglect) for the low, low monthly fee of $39.97, should the website's free stroll through the prurient detritus not satisfy your curiosity. While we certainly understand if you're intrigued by the promise of "Drug Use That Makes Tony Montana look like a missionary," we suggest you do something more socially responsible with the $40 you might have wasted on the subscription fee, like donate it to an eightball purchase for a needy somebody who can't afford to do a kilo of coke off a billionaire pal's chest. [Warning, that last link is very NSFW.]

When he isn't feverishly scribbling lyrics onto cocktail napkins for his planned sophomore release, "No Longer America's Most Hated Since My Ex-Wife Set Off On Her Cooter-Flashing Bender, Yo," aspiring RnB-chart-cracker Kevin Federline has been keeping himself busy, most notably by starring in his very own Nationwide commercial set to air during the Super Bowl. (Enjoy this behind-the-scenes footage of K-Fed laying the dopest insurance-related rhymes since M.C. Hammer's "Prudential in the Mix" was in regular rotation.) Federline just can't seem to catch a break, however, as his biggest gig since, well, ever, is now under fire from a restaurant association that takes issue with the commercial's implication that a fate of flipping burgers was somehow less desirable than, say, spending your days getting baked in your birthday Lamborghini:

· Yesterday's Oscar nominations lead studios to adjust the release strategies for their recognized films, with Warner Bros. expanding The Departed from about 100 to almost 1500 screens and adding more showings of Iwo Jima this Friday; meanwhile, a despondent Paramount will fight the urge to yank Dreamgirls from theaters over its Best Picture snub. [Variety]
· A re-energized Harvey Weinstein continues his Sundance "feeding frenzy," "gobbling up a smorgasbord of films," bragging, "At this point, I'm buying shit just to piss off Sony Pictures Classics. Fuck, I'm good." [THR]
· American Idol continues to crush the hopes and dreams of rival network execs, pulling in 32.6 million more viewers even when hampered by the State of the Union address. [Variety]
· Dreamgirls' failure to be included in the Best Picture race deprives Oscar handicappers of the reliable predictive strategy of picking the most-nominated film to win the big prize, throwing the entire race into utter, wide-open chaos. [THR]
· Former MPAA head Jack Valenti defends the organization's pilloried ratings system, noting that surveys reveal that it serves its intended purpose of helping parents shield their children from exposed breasts while simultaneously allowing them maximum exposure to graphic violence. Also, a white elephant is mentioned, whom Valenti credits with originally dictating the ratings guidelines to him. [Variety]

Just two days after meeting with the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network to begin the long, arduous process of personally apologizing to every advocacy group listed in his publicist's "What To Do When A Client Outs A Popular Co-Star In A Fit Of Rage, Then Runs Around Repeating Anti-Gay Slurs Backstage At A Globally Covered Awards Show" crisis management file, Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington is already moving on to the next step in the rehabilitation process that may allow him to keep his job: the obligatory trip to a treatment facility where he can hide out until some of the career-hampering controversy dies down. Reports Life & Style (exclusively!):