Chachi Loves Chachi: Despite Decades Of Serial Companionship, Scott Baio Fears Dying Old And Alone
While he received steady competition over the years from various Sweat Hogs and Robbie Benson-types, the undisputed teenybopper lust-object champion of the early 1980s was Scott Baio, who parlayed a gig playing Happy Days' resident heartthrob, Charles 'Chachi' Arcola, into a reputation for being one of the greatest sexual conquistadors in Hollywood history. But, alas, as Baio asks in a 60-page book proposal which has come into Radar's possession, "If I have access to all these wonderful, gorgeous, voluptuous women, then how come I'm still on my own?" Perhaps the answer lies in his earliest sexual memories, such as this excerpt chronicling the loss of his virginity to a couch:
On losing his virginity at the age of 16 to Happy Days co-star Erin "Joanie" Moran: "I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say after we got naked. So for the first five minutes, maybe less—hell, it might have been the first twenty seconds—I'm doing it and thinking, man, this is really uncomfortable. What happened was, my thing was between the cushions on the couch and I didn't even know it. Instead of being inside Erin, I was humping a corduroy sofa!"
Once he realized that Joanie was not, in fact, an anatomical freak lined with the ribbed, cottony comfort of corduroy, instinct took over, and Scott made the necessary adjustments. He would later go on to bed some of Hollywood's most beautiful women (and politely turn down Liza Minelli's requests for a sperm sample), though finding that one special lady in his life would ultimately prove elusive. Even sadder, however, was the fate of the seating that surrendered its cushion-cleavage maidenhead to the popular actor: After years on the hard streets hosting the births of countless kitten litters, and a rock-bottom moment in the mid-90s as the only furniture in a Van Nuys crackhouse, we can now happily report that Baio's one-time chesterfield lover has since been successfully reupholstered and is enjoying a new lease on life in a Studio City casting office.
