Today's Hollywood Reporter points out "rare public evidence" of a looming crisis we first told you about seven months ago: Melrose I, hedge-fund financing that helped pay for a raft of underachieving Paramount films dating back to 2004, saw its investment grade plunge six notches recently in an assessment by Moody's Investor Service. It was bad enough at the time for the money men to threaten Brad Grey with court — and even if the lawsuit never came, the day of reckoning did.The shift guarantees that everyone from senior debtholders at Merrill Lynch to smaller equity backers around Wall Street are locks to lose on the $231 million slate financing deal. As recently as March, the investors were rumored to be considering suing the 'Mount and its free-spending chief Grey after the dramatic underperformance of The Stepford Wives, Alfie and other films partially underwritten by Melrose (the funders signed on during the Sherry Lansing/Jim Dolgen regime but had no say where their money went once they were gone). Viacom CEO Phillippe Dauman himself intervened, we hear, and based on renegotiated terms for Melrose Partners' second round of financing (and Grey's belt-tightening), the mutiny was defused. For now.

The Horror! Here is what you have to look forward to tomorrow, America: The View has pretaped its Halloween episode, in which the ladies are dressed, ridiculously, as presidents. From left to right, we have Whoopi Goldberg as the wheelchair-bound Franklin D. Roosevelt, Joy Behar as Teddy Roosevelt, Sherri Shepherd as Abraham Lincoln on the penny, Elisabeth Hasselbeck as a drag king version of Ronald Reagan, and Barbara Walters as George Washington (with whom she once had a fabulous conversation as they snacked on crudités at a Dominick Dunne-hosted dinner party). Click through for full-size. [The View]

It's a question that's been futilely pondered countless times before, and by artists and philosophers more sapient than we: What, exactly, makes John Malkovich tick? We like Esquire's approach: Forget about hunting for magical portals inside the actor's consciousness that don't really exist, and instead just invite him to participate in their ongoing What I've Learned feature. And what has he learned (besides the fact that most people are willing to forgive an Eragon if you've built up a significant enough body of non-dragon work) ? The answers will surprise and amaze you. Politics are like an Aspen Canker-infected tree. He feels unworthy of Michelle Pfeiffer's salutations. And he's constantly fearful that the guy rattling off the evening specials will dash off his Malkovich impressions to us via Blackberry between courses:

Always the type of man to make the best of a bad situation, Roger Ebert has now spun his recent Reviewgate scandal into a deeply constructive thesis on movie critic ethics. And by "deeply constructive," we mean "a point-by-point indictment of Ben Lyons" — that proven archenemy of taste, restraint and decorum in an ever-thinning field of trained professionals.Nearly all of Ebert's rules seem like common sense to our minds — "Provide a sense of the experience," "No freebies," "A trailer is not a movie" (though the "Avoid trailers" rule seems a little dire for even our purist sensibilities) — but one in particular stands out toward the end:

You'll probably be hitting up every thrift store in the Southland looking for the perfect Brian Grazer-as-a-slutty-nurse costume, but there's no reason to miss an important night of television. WATCH Destroyed in Seconds [9 PM, Discovery] - Basically, a half-hour of things exploding/crashing. Tonight's highlights: Hindenburg disaster, cranes falling down in Taiwan, and an experimental plane narrowly avoids destruction — J-fucking-K! It explodes/crashes!

There's a certain, overbearing art to the publicist pitch, especially when the flack is emailing an editor to suggest that a client receive coverage in their magazine. Not every thespian is a cover-worthy Angelina Jolie, but most publicists tout their C- and D-listers as though they are, filling their pitches with paragraph upon paragraph of that actor's multiple, stunning achievements (often bolded, capitalized, and punctuated with several exclamation points for emphasis). By the time you finished reading them, you'd be convinced that an actor's upcoming, three-episode arc on Brothers & Sisters deserved no less than Time's "Person of the Year." So, that's one way to do it. Then again, if you're Tom Sizemore's partner and you're pitching to one of the biggest publications in town, there's this way:

Frankly, we like your odds of being one of the 66,000 people to whom the Screen Actors Guild owes some $25 million in unpaid residuals — members, heirs of members, and even non-members whose fluke payments have trickled into SAG over the last 20 years. As noted here last month, the union has kept money belonging to actors (Michael Douglas, Mick Jagger), politicians (John F. Kennedy, Michael Dukakis) and other luminaries who've relocated, died or both since SAG was last in touch with them or their families — and now it's going public with the tactful "Get Your Money" sweepstakes. And you could be the next winner!All you have to do is be Peter Gabriel. Or Patrick Dempsey. Or RuPaul. Or the Harlem Globetrotters. Or related to Roy Rogers, Katherine Hepburn, Fred Gwynne or any one of thousands of others with residuals, royalties and other cash having stacked up at SAG HQ. After Sharon Waxman broke the story in September, the union scrambled on the defensive to explain how even former president Charlton Heston or current board member Eric Bogosian could have unclaimed coin; it has since launched the "Get Your Money" ad campaign to help square up with Hollywood:

Directors...They're Just Like US! David Fincher is one of the most exacting, visionary directors in Hollywood, having made iconic films like Se7en, Fight Club, and now The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Thus, when Empire sat him down to scribble his favorite movies of all time, we expected something a little less, well, AFI-y? Hey, sure, we like Citizen Kane and Lawrence of Arabia as much as anybody. But c'mon, Finch: throw us a curveball or two! Click through for the full-sized list. [/film]

It's your very own printable Grazerhead mask! Download the full-size version here.

Many women, including Kristen Wiig and some chick from Sunset Tan, have tried to de-Speedo decorated Olympian Michael Phelps, yet it's clear to us that the swimmer has the most success with older ladies. It hasn't been long since one of network television's trophy wives rented Phelps as the decoration for a cougar pool party, but his Boniva-friendly appeal was at full power on today's edition of The View. Licking her lips, Barbara Walters sized Phelps's body up like it was a prize ham, barely able to contain herself at how big everything was. And then, when Phelps showed off his double-jointed arms? Let's just say it's a good thing producer Bill Gedde was on hand with smelling salts.

Variety today dares to look beyond panic in the economy for a detailed sketch of one of the most critical policy decisions facing the next presidential administration: Where's the party? The word is synonymous with way more than just one's affiliation in 2008, says one Washington social guru, who can't wait for her calendar to blossom once more with boldface Hollywood names beating a path to an Obama White House:

· The Beatles video game we mentioned yesterday will not be a Rock Band installment, but rather a standalone title currently in development. Ringo urges you not to choose him, but rather one of the three other "perfectly lovely" mercenary options. [Variety] · Bishop T.D. Jakes is getting his own talk show. Here's a sneak preview of his rousing sermon style at Dallas-based mega-church Potter's House; we're not sure if it will be enhanced by Tyra-esque undercover assignments as a sneaker sweatshop employee and/or Thai massage-parlor worker, but we look forward to finding out. [Variety] · Antediluvian Viacom chief Sumner Redstone reassured investors that his unloading of $233 million CBS and Viacom stock was a one-shot deal to pay down their holding company's debts, and "not a single share" more would leave his gnarled clutches. [Variety] After the jump: Holy freaking crap! You will not believe what movie they are remaking now as a Samuel L. Jackson vehicle.· It's The Last Dragon, with Samuel L. Jackson set to play Sho'nuff, the Shogun of Harlem, who'll stop at nothing to get these motherfucking kung-fu dragons off his motherfucking turf. All this excitement as El DeBarge is headed off to jail. Sadface. [THR] · NBC is producing a series based on ChickLit-Your-Own-Adventure book Pretty Little Mistakes. Like its source material, this too will allow you to choose the fate of the protagonists: By ignoring it, they'll all come to a swift demise. So interactive! [THR]

The ugly new trend in epic-length movie trailers continues today with the latest teaser for The Day the Earth Stood Still, the remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic creatively recast with Keanu Reeves as a flat-voiced humanoid alien warning Earth's inhabitants of their impending doom. Quite a stretch, we know (and yes, he has made this one before), but from the looks of the accompanying clip, DTESS is a soaring upgrade from low-budget earnestness to a sort of glossy, glassy-eyed indignance; there is true, brow-furrowing peril in that stilted baritone suggesting his past "would only frighten you." If only we felt less endangered by the four minutes of line readings that follow from Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates and even Jon Hamm, from whom we expected so much more than bromides about the history of mankind. Believe us, Jon — we know history, and this has all the symptoms of being exactly that. And not the good kind, either. [20th Century Fox]

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the Rome Film Festival screening of teen bloodsucking epic Twilight, Kristen Stewart wondered if her co-star Robert Pattinson had bathed since wrapping production on the film in April of this year. Stewart politely asked if Pattinson had been keeping up with his hygiene and personal grooming. Pattinson explained that he has been taking a lot of sponge baths, but he wanted to stay in character for the sequel. Pattinson said, “I mean I’m playing a 107 year old teen. I’m going to be stinky.” [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Alec Baldwin appeared on Late Show last night to reprise his own, sub-Tina Fey impression of Sarah Palin while recounting to Dave the (completely justifiable!) circumstances of Palin's visit to SNL. Unlike her offer to Fey that night, Palin did not serve up Bristol as a potential babysitter to Baldwin's daughter, but that's not to say these two unlikely scenemates didn't find something in common to talk about.Still, even though the two bonded while discussing Baldwin's "right-winger" brother Stephen, Alec's vote is all sewn up. And, as he says, the candidate he's pulling for is not the "guy running with Bible Spice." Still, if Bible Spice would be down for a February sweeps cameo on 30 Rock, then bygones!

Today brings an addendum to our one-stop guide to comprehending Courtenay Semel, the celebrity lesbian nexus who was last seen having her claws removed from a Vegas security guard: Her alleged victim, Jaroslaw Jarczok, filed suit yesterday in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming that the volatile Yahoo! scion attacked him in a drunken rage last August at Caesar's Palace. Worse yet, he alleges that Semel humiliated him with one of the most emasculating things a Z-list reality alumna can bellow at a man.Just when Jarczok had finally gotten used to those "Jar Jar" taunts from wasted junior executives shuffling back to their suites upstairs, the Lohan ex and current Tila Tequila flame Semel is said to have uncorked the searing rejoinder, "Do you even know who I am, fucking idiot? ... Google me, you dumb fuck." Of course, he probably did just that, uncovering the definitive Semel cheat-sheet to which his name will now be linked forevermore — and which also stated that Semel's net worth is not nearly what her father Terry's wealth might imply. In any case, the elder Semel won't be coming to his daughter's rescue as the guard seeks unspecified damages; her little Google stunt sent his Yahoo! shares plunging 12% in early trading. This one's coming right out of her inheritance.

We've felt a special bond with Corey Haim ever since we played a gradeschool extra in his 1985 disease-of-the-week movie A Time to Live. (True story.) We've thrilled to his highs, bummed to his lows, puzzled at some of his more bizarre career decisions, and sat back helplessly as he read aloud the remarks—some supportive, some scathing—left by commenters on this very webspot. So it's with genuine elation that we pass along this breaking news from his website:

Got a paper towel handy? You may need to clean your monitor after watching this much buzzed-about clip of Joe Francis on Tyra yesterday, in which the slimy, Girls Gone Wild conspiracy peddler talks about Lindsay Lohan ("She's not gay!") and her girlfriend, "Samantha Rosnan" (close!). "You dated Lindsay?" Tyra begins, as an evasive Francis wonders whether ten margaritas and two successful exhortations of "Show me that firecrotch!" in Cabo can necessarily be defined as "dating." Then, talk turns to Lohan's sapphic inclinations.It's here that Francis unloads, implying that Lindsay is the equivalent of a "lesbian until graduation" and stating that, uh, Rosnan is a "wretched woman...taking [Lindsay] down a path that's just wrong for her." Thank God, America, that we have fine, upstanding men like Francis who are so concerned about our young ladies going down the wrong path. Be there for her, Joe. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear for her worries, and a positive influence who can help lead Lindsay out of the woods with a 12:30 am carton of pralines and cream and a tender, heartfelt message: "Those tits look great in that shirt, but I bet they'd look even better out of it..."

Amber waves of grain, arthritis ointment application, an emotionally distant Sarah Silverman the morning after—The Barack Obama Show really offered something for everyone. And by "everyone" we'd include network heads, as preliminary Nielsen numbers show the 30-minute hope-infusion juiced ratings across the board. Even ABC's struggling Pushing Daisies benefited from a small counter-programming bump, though still only managed to squeak out a meager 2.2. From THR:

Estelle Reiner, the woman who 20 years ago set the enduring standard for cameos by directors' moms, has died at age 94. Wife of Carl, mother of Meathead, she rocketed to fame in 1989 as a witness to Meg Ryan's epic fake orgasm in her son's film When Harry Met Sally; her quip, "I'll have what she's having," later ranked #33 among AFI's Top 100 movie quotations. She'd previously appeared in small parts opposite Steve Martin (The Man With Two Brains) and Dom DeLuise (Fatso), also sustaining a late-blooming cabaret singing career on the side. Lesser known fact: Rob Reiner tells the New York Times today that his mother was the basis for Mary Tyler Moore's Laura Petrie on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Today, however, we remember her lunch preferences. We, too, will have what she's having.