Double Happiness: When you look at this picture of Philip Seymour Hoffman, what do you see? Wait, what? That's Omar from The Wire? C'mon, kids — where's your inner film cineaste? If you had the imagination of Todd Solondz, you'd take Omar's portrayer, Michael K. Williams, and cast him in your new Happiness sequel to play the exact same obscene caller Hoffman essayed in the first film. indieWIRE's Peter Knegt was the first to look at the sequel's full synopsis and notice that every character from the first film is returning after a wild, Palindromes-style recast. Paul Reubens is Jon Lovitz. Ciarin Hinds is Dylan Baker. Sadly, Paris Hilton is not Camryn Manheim. [indieWIRE]

And I'm Barack Obama: The post-election afterglow scored a direct hit last night on 60 Minutes, where the President-elect and wife Michelle's rangy hour-long interview with Steve Kroft drew 24 million viewers. The 6.4 rating is the newsmagazine's highest in nine years, and what did we learn? There will be Republicans in his Cabinet, no new dog would survive the grueling transition process to the White House, and college football needs a playoff system. Also, if you stuck around to the end, Andy Rooney bemoaning frivolous TV news. And here we thought Obama had dispatched all those mavericks. [The Live Feed]

Our operative on The View has informed us that in an attempt to curb the audience negativity toward Elisabeth Hasselbeck that's built up over the last political season, producers are encouraging her to host fluffier segments (like bargain shopping and makeovers!) and to discuss her family more on-air. Sadly, Hasselbeck's attempt to do the latter on today's edition resulted in husband-directed hysteria pitched at a level where only dogs and William Ayers can hear.While recounting a story about how her husband Tim simply wouldn't brave a long holiday line to buy some $6.99 napkins (But the bargain, Tim! It was so relatable!), Hasselbeck immediately began to flail and rewrite her marriage vows on-air. "Ohhh," moans an attempting-to-sympathize Barbara Walters, while secretly thinking, "You don't have people for that? Why, once I was at a dinner party hosted by Henry Kissinger and Chita Rivera, and I sent this kind cater-waiter out to procure the cannelloni au gratin for me at Sardi's. I tipped him with a signed headshot and a two-dollar bill, as was the custom at the time."

Is Venus in the third house this week? Is your first house still standing? The Southland has been through hell but hopefully better things are in store for the coming week. If today - November 17 - is your birthday: The aging process spares no one and is especially unkind to Hollywood actors. It's time to begin that all-consuming, lifelong project of bizarre health routines and plastic surgery. It may not be natural or healthy, but it shows a high level of ambition. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21): There's no need to constantly run through your impressive resume of producing credits in front of your friends. They'd be your friends even if you weren't successful, as long as you still gave them free coke. More wisdom after the jump!

NBC began teasing Rosie Live in prime-time over the weekend, alerting viewers to Rosie O'Donnell's Nov. 26 variety-show experiment by touting a slate of America's most well-recognized holiday-season talent. Alanis Morissette! Kathy Griffin! Ne-Yo! Acrobats! And, in a booking coup loaded with potential for grandeur, onstage collapse and/or both, Liza Minnelli, herself the host of one of TV's all-time great variety specials and a showstopping Rosie idol from way, way back. What to expect? O'Donnell defies you to wait and see:

Though she'll always have a permanent place in our heart/loins, we're a little worried that Helen Mirren is toeing the thin line that separates saucy cougars from grandmothers who say totally inappropriate things at dinner. First, the Oscar-winning actress made it known that she eschews bangers and mash for a somewhat more unpalatable "date rape and eightball" combination platter. Now, in an insane 3500-word interview with the Times in which writer Chrissy Iley can barely restrain herself from pouncing on Mirren to reenact Caligula's most salacious scenes, the Dame airs some even more controversial views on women:

Take a short break from coughing up charred trailer siding to glance at the weekend numbers: 1. Quantum of Solace - $70.4 million Having the playing field all to itself couldn't have hurt the second installment of the Daniel Craig franchise reboot, and it didn't: The broodiest Bond yet earned $70.4 million on approximately 5,900 screens—the highest opening not just of any Bond film, but of any espionage drama in history. Today's trade ads boast Solace's hefty take with the agent screaming in agony as Le Chiffre takes a double-knotted rope to his fourth and fifth digits.2. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - $36.13 million David Schwimmer the Giraffe should enjoy his last hurrah before John Travolta the Spayed German Shepherd bolts in to steal his long-necked thunder. 3. Role Models - $11.71 million Paul Rudd's SNL hosting triumph only helped boost ticket sales for Role Models, bringing in a contingent of horny Ruddites hoping for an unpixelated glimpse of the goodies, and ended up laughing so hard their eyes bled. 4. High School Musical 3: Senior Year - $5.879 million If your one excuse for not seeing HSM3 so far was the fact that it features neither Officer John McClane nor the phrase, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" well, then, you've just run out of excuses: 5. Changeling - $4.247 million If you haven't yet caught The Changeling, we highly recommend you do. Yes, it will require you overlook star Angelina Jolie's well-documented uncoolness for a couple of hours, but this could well be one the last performances from the actress before she wanders off the Ghanaian sunset three decades from now.

Though Wanda Sykes has taped PSAs asking us to never again use the phrase, "That's so gay," we hope she'll make an exception in this case, because you know what's so gay? Wanda Sykes! The comedian has been a constant presence at the anti-Prop 8 marches in Los Angeles over the last week and a half, but on Saturday, she popped up at a Las Vegas rally and officially came out as a lesbian. What's more, she revealed that she went ahead and married a woman in October — and it wasn't Julia Louis-Dreyfus! Yes, we just made a joke about a New Adventures of Old Christine plotline. We're sure that five of you are very pleased. After the jump, relive the biggest hint Sykes ever gave us — her riff on gay marriage from the stand-up special Sick and Tired:

The first real trailer for J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot emerged in theaters last Friday, spilling a dark, sprawling shadow over the Bond film that followed it and confirming our suspicions that about .003% of its rumored $200 million budget went to anything resembling a screenplay. Like we care: Our audience tuned out every platitude and ultimatum that followed the introduction of young troublemaker James Tiberius Kirk, lapsing into an effects coma from which we're only beginning to emerge this morning. Paramount will have an official HD trailer online later today, but in the meantime, bask in the bootlegged bombast available now: Monsters! Sex! Simon Pegg! And a pissed-off Spock who puts those uncanny Katie Holmes comparisons to rest in seconds flat, thank God. [YouTube]

Attention Americans, it's almost time to travel to your local movie theater to take in Nothing But the Truth, the ironically-titled Hollywood dramatization of the Judy Miller story! Miller, the former NYT correspondent (now with Fox!) who went to jail unnecessarily to protect Scooter Libby's right to plant fake stories with her concerning nonexistent Iraqi WMDs, is reportedly pleased with the film because it captures the "moral ambiguity" of her situation. It did so by casting Kate Beckinsale as (the much older) Miller, then "dramatizing" the story in order to make her a heroic, martyred "devoted mother of a seven-year-old" who "faces starker physical and personal consequences in jail." So, just how Judith Miller sees herself! Click through to watch two clips, exclusively featuring people who are far too attractive to be journalists:

· Another tough week to be gay: The volatile post-Prop 8 era continued with Drew Barrymore's megaphone, a skittish Sundance, and a typically confused Courtney Love. And to top it all off, Brokeback Mountain: The Opera was shelved. · We said goodbye to Paula Goodpseed, the ex-American Idol contenstant who died outside her hero Paula Abdul's house. In better Idol news, ZOMG THIS NEW DAVID ARCHULETA ALBUM IS AWWWWESSSOMMMME!!! *Shriek!!* · Jennifer Aniston knows uncool. Like bragging about sleeping with her husband? Very uncool. · Do you prefer your Fergie with or without a labia-veil? · It took a while, but we think we finally found the worst publicist in media history. · Manhandled paparazzi stalkee Brad Pitt could learn a thing or two about handling shutterbugs from the fearsome Brad Garrett. · The TV execution chamber was busy this week, with My Own Worst Enemy, Lipstick Jungle and MadTV all canceled. · Gay marriage and male pregnancy had the ladies of The View all kinds of confused. · The outraged mayor of Batman, Turkey, probably wouldn't have allowed The Dark Knight's score to compete for an Oscar, either. · Our loyal tipsters saw Kirsten Dunst, Alec Baldwin, Martin Lawrence, Brett Ratner, Matthew Modine and a dog-chasing Mickey Rourke out on the town. · She's not a lesbian, and Barack Obama is "colored." Yes, indeed, Lindsay Lohan has a way with words. · Daniel Radcliffe's naughties. Enough said.

· Rob Lowe reported live from a burning Montecito on Oprah today, where 100 homes and a minimum 2500 acres have already been engulfed in the flames. The part where he carried Stedman and Mr. Man to safety on his back was truly inspiring. · Joe Jonas responds to Taylor Swift's "25-second phone-dump" smear campaign on his MySpace page: "A phone call can be pretty short when someone else ends the call. The only difference in this conversation was that I shared something the other person did not want to hear." A fan rep issued this response: "JooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeIloveyouomigaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" · You were poked by: Raging Anti-Gypsysite Italian Neo-Nazi. poke back|remove · We think we know just the thing to make you the hit of this year's church pro-life bake sale! [via BoingBoing] · Got my girlfriend to model for my car (PICS)

Imagine acting in a film opposite Ellen Page; every day on set must be a bundle of Diablo Cody-scripted larfs, right? According to Marcia Gay Harden, not so much! Harden and her daughter play members of Page's family in Drew Barrymore's upcoming directorial debut Whip It!, and both told MTV that the Juno actress simply would not submit to their months-long campaign of laugh harassment:

Holding Out For a Hero? Here's one for the End of Ideas Hall of Fame: The '80s TV comedy The Greatest American Hero is being talked up for a feature-length film revival. Writer-producer Stephen Cannell and star William Katt tell the LAT it's just a matter of time before their series about a schoolteacher-turned-bumbling crimefighter returns for a new generation. "We have a script," Cannell warned. "We have a director. I'm in the middle of making the deal now for distribution. We have a bite now. It will happen. [...] I want all the 7-year-olds to be able to go and their parents will remember the show and want to share it with them." It it OK if we just point them to the DVD set and call it good? Please? [LAT]

FRIDAY · Ben Folds (what—no 5?) at The Wiltern, Berlin at Hollywood Park, and Deerhoof at The Echoplex. · Defamer's own Molly McAleer is the special guest of The Friday Forty, hosted by the one and only Dave Holmes! That's two wonderful, hilarious people and enough malt liquor to make you puke, all for ten measly bucks. At IO West. · Artie Lange does a free reading of his new book, Too Fat to Fish, at Book Soup.SATURDAY · Adult at Echoplex, Calle 13 at Club Nokia, and Gang Gang Dance play the El Rey. · You love it online—now love it live! Elephant Theater hosts Cute With Chris: Live, starring Canadian Chris Leavins, who eschews the grisly beheadings typically associated with his people to focus purely on those adorable things that make you go, "Awwwwwww." 7 p.m. · Turkey Day's coming up, but you don't eat your friends. Take a Vegan Thanksgiving cooking class at Spork Foods Home Kitchen. SUNDAY · Minus the Bear at the Henry Fonda, The B-52's at Club Nokia, and the Part Time Punks Festival invades the Echoplex. · See the Lux Radio Theatre 1950 performance of The Wizard of Oz re-enacted by Fake Radio. With MADtv's Debra Wilson Skelton as the Wicked Witch. At Bang! Comedy Theatre. · Take advantage of the free dental being offered at the International Health & Fitness Fair, at the Pasadena Convention Center.

Our time on this earth is fleeting, so please learn at least these two lesso's from tonight's programming: Dump that lame boyfriend and do not spank your children. Or spank your boyfriend and dump your children with a guy who looks like Steve Wilkos. WATCH Hollywood's Baddest: Boyfriends [8 PM, E!] - Take note, ladies and gentlemen, for characteristics that your current boyfriend might share with these celebrity a-holes. Sometimes you don't realize your relationship is destined for failure until you see celebrity footage/re-enactments that eerily remind you of the person sitting next to you on the sofa, trimming his nails onto a plate that minutes ago held a series of Hot Pockets.

This morning's Defamer Attractions was gravely remiss in omitting Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage from its assortment of hot new DVD releases. Our consciences ache even worse after today's revelation of a fascinating production memo by Kinkade himself, the evangelical "Painter of Light" whose 16-point missive for achieving the most faithful adaptation of his woodsy cornball nursing-home art wound up leaked to Vanity Fair.In the video above, featured modestly on the Christmas Cottage Web site, Kinkade promises an autobiographical family classic featuring Peter O'Toole, Marcia Gay Harden and Jared Paladecki, and which holds its own against It's a Wonderful Life. Bold claims all, especially considering Cottage went straight to DVD. Still, considering the explicit directions excerpted here, what could possibly go wrong? Apart from the Kubrick references, that is:

In honor of the new James Bond film, we're gifting the writers of our five best comments this week with one of our most enigmatic prizes yet: a tablespoon of solace! Typically, we'd be giving out a quantum's worth, but because of the wonky solace exchange rate, a tablespoon it shall be! Naturally, as befits the libidinous secret agent, we've included quite a few sex puns this week. Was the competition stiff? Indubitably. Click through for the winners!· DudleyDion on Look, Everyone! It's Video Of Daniel Radcliffe's Naughties!: I have been hitting "click to enlarge" repeatedly but it doesn't seem to work on him. · naugahydeinplainsight on Fergie Retrofitted With Crotch-Veil In New 'Nine' Promotional Photo: Says Fergie: "That snatch of mine saves Nine." · 92BuickLeSabre on Defamer Exclusive: 'MADtv' Canceled: Where will all the comedians with funny noses go now? · misterdirky on How Dare You Insinuate That Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian?!: Just because she wishes Deadliest Catch came in Smell-O-Vision does NOT make her a lesbian. · ObamaIsMyPresident on Two Inches Of Lance Bass Lost In Space: Hmm...wonder how many inches his ex Reichen took? Congratulations to our winners! Losers, back to the fridge with ya.

1. Backless Tee Gos Ryan Gosling was snapped yesterday strolling in L.A. in a Thrasher T-shirt with a giant, heart-shaped hole eaten into the back. For Gosling fans who can't get enough of his creamy skin and rippling dorsal muscles, it was a rare treat. For everyone else, it was kind of gross. It got us thinking about some of the Lars and the Real Girl star's other bold fashion statements, leading to this essential compilation we like to call Five Bad Looks For Ryan Gosling. Four more after the jump!

We are shocked and pleased to report that the new trailer for the latest Wayans Clan spoof, Dance Flick, hints that the family has made its first legitimately funny film since... we can't even remember. Or at least they've made 90 seconds of a legitimately funny film, with Amy Sedaris, locker-bound toddlers and a few serviceable sight gags redeeming the acute horror of its introductory jokes. It won't make you forget the minor masterpiece that was Pineapple Express's red-band riot, but it may yet portend the rise of director Damien Dante Wayans as the Nephew Who Would Be King. King of what, though, you'll have to tell us. It's hard not to look like you're soaring after White Chicks. [MySpace via /Film]