Back at the start of 2006, Gawker ran one of those classic shock-starlet items that just tends to stick with you: Lindsay Lohan and new best friend Kate Moss, doing their part to prop up the Colombian economy, stumbled into a New York bar bathroom, whereupon Lohan reportedly asked if anyone had a Sharpie. Someone did. She then wrote something not very nice about Scarlett Johansson, which, according to photographic evidence, went something like, "Scarlett is a bloody cunt / L / Peace and love / [illegible] / fucker." Almost three years later, Scarlett was asked to address the vulgar communiqué in an interview with Allure

LA Times columnist Patrick Goldstein used his blog yesterday for the entertaining purpose of viciously mocking Variety and its Hollywood fixture editor, Peter Bart. Mocking them for being poor! This column is awesome for the following reasons: because media outlets don't usually air their dirty laundry like this; because Peter Bart and Variety certainly deserve the mocking; and most of all because Patrick Goldstein seems totally unconcerned that his own paper does the same exact thing he criticizes Variety for, and that that very thing keeps him employed. Ha: Peter Bart wrote a column of his own (Headline: "Will fiscal funk trip kudo contenders?" WTF) bitching about the lack of Oscar-related ads from the studios in Variety. Patrick Goldstein appropriately tells him to shut it:

The first audience to see the finished version of Australia should be drunkenly stumbling out of the afterparty right about now in Sydney, where Baz Luhrmann's $130 million epic held its world premiere today. Early reviews from the homeland are mixed ("While it will be very popular with many people I think there's a slight air of disappointment after it all," notes The Australian), putting Fox on edge for this weekend's first American press screenings and underscoring downswung star Nicole Kidman's red-carpet threat to walk away from the whole sordid business:

· Uh—we think we just saw Chris Matthews grab two heaping handfuls of Ellen DeGeneres. · Heather Locklear was charged with a misdemeanor DUI. The complaint alleges she was driving under the influence of drugs; "to wit: prescription medications." The florid language didn't end there, as the filing went on to state "that which we call OxyContin by any other generic name would impair as sweetly; Heather! Doff thy name, and for that name which if no part of thee, takest while riding most heavy of machineries." · Having trouble figuring out what today's TRL finale means for a nation at historical crossroads? Idolator explains. · The first reviews of Australia from Down Under suggest it has "has international blockbuster written all over it," and "is certainly not one destined to be a classic." · Yes, we all know Prince told The New Yorker he doesn't approve of "people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever," over a nice plate of soup. But what kind of soup? Starfish and Coffee soup? Cream of AwwoooooooahHundalasiliah soup? Turns out it was just carrot, but BWE.tv let their imaginations run wild.

This photo from the Albuquerque set of Men Who Stare At Goats reassured us that George Clooney has proudly inherited the mustache mantel from Robert Downey Jr. We instantly felt the need to draw up another one of those celebrity mustache visual cue-charts—the kind we distribute as retractable blackboard teaching aids to classrooms that incorporate Defamer into their curricula. Help us decide which of these five candidates most closely hews to the goat-staring original in a brand new mustache poll after the jump!

An ad currently running on Variety is promoting something called Carmen Meets Borat, a documentary about a Romanian girl whose life is thrown into upheaval when Sacha Baron Cohen and co. substitute her village for the title character's Kazakh hometown in Borat. We use the term "promoting" loosely, however, unless you consider "inviting a lawsuit by alerting Cohen to your existence" is promoting:

Now that our Kiefer is free as a bird and more velvet-voiced than ever, he's opening up about the seven-week jail stint that made shower soap negotiation almost as perilous as saving the free world. Speaking to Men's Vogue, he details the jail's living conditions (bad, but at least it wasn't the plebeian hellhole inflicted upon Raffaello Follieri) and the cerebral, mercifully short-lived experience that was his sobriety:

· Music Round-Up: The Breeders at the Wiltern, The Shys, Army Navy, and The Takeover UK at The Troubadour, and Raul Midon, Morley, and Leftover Cuties at The Hotel Café. · REDCAT hosts An Evening with Kenneth Anger: Dangerous Cinema, featuring several of the experimental queer director's shorts, and a rare public Anger appearance. (It's sold out, but we got our tickets early. We'll be in the assless chaps on the Satanic Harley. Say hi!) · A new print of When We Were Kings screens at the Academy Linwood Dunn Theater as part of "Oscar's Docs: Part 4." Also on the bill: Work of Mark O'Brien, "a portrait of the life and accomplishments of the paralyzed poet-journalist who's lived for 40 years in an iron lung."

After a weekend where NBC sent an intimidating message to recently galvanized "Logo viewers" (as "they" are euphemistically referred to in media-savvy red state households), get back to basics with multi-camera sitcoms and early 90's revival casting. WATCH The Big Bang Theory [8 PM, CBS] - Wolowitz (Simon Helberg) thinks he's found his soul mate until his crush (Sara Rue) meets Leonard (Johnny Galecki). TBBT hit a series high in viewers last week and has improved significantly since first season. Rajesh Koothrappali (Kunal Nayyar) is our favorite character, and his MacBook chats with his family are oddly reminiscent of our own.

If or when the U.S. Treasury stumbles too badly to stop America's slide into recession, we'll always have Fox Searchlight to bail us out. The mini-major had another specialty smash last weekend with Slumdog Millionaire, the Mumbai-based genre-bender whose $35,043 per-screen average was the fourth best of any film this year, trailing The Dark Knight by less than $1,300 per location. And if a quick scan of the Searchlight record tells us anything, the numbers will continue to astound — and they portend even better things for the Oscar race.With critical raves in part pushing it to a $416,000 opening since last Wednesday, Slumdog is Searchlight's fifth best opening average in the last five years. The three titles just above it: 2007: Juno ($59,124 per screen; $143.5 million cumulative gross) 2006: Little Miss Sunshine ($52,999 per screen; $59.9 million cumulative) 2004: Sideways ($51,760 per screen; $71.5 million cumulative) All of which went on to earn Oscar nominations for Best Picture, and all of which won for Best Screenplay. Of course I Heart Huckabees trumped them all with $73,044 per screen, and we all know how that turned out. Still! Clear spots in your Oscar pools, and let the Obama transition team know where they'll find the real economic stimulus. You can thank us later.

Small Wonder: Though this picture appears to show Johnny's Deppy's Willy Wonka after an intense meth bender (and affixed with a Top Model weave), it's actually a photo of Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's upcoming Alice in Wonderland. Since the actor's role is rumored to be entirely motion-captured, we're assuming the look is just a test shot. No word yet on whether the mushrooms consumed by Depp's makeup artist made her grow bigger, get smaller, or simply made her totally fucking high. Click through for full-size. [ICYDK]

Few were surprised when NBC axed Lipstick Jungle, figuring that if a brutal, Project Runway-assisted title indoctrination couldn't help it gain a ratings foothold, nothing could. But wait! insists star Brooke Shields to Us. "It's not true," she said. "Our bosses are saying, 'You’re not canceled, don’t worry. We’re just trying to figure out how to make this make sense.'" Yes, if only a major media conglomerate like NBC could get the word out somehow! Still, James Hibberd writes that even though there's been a fan outcry (really?), there are other factors at play that may doom a new application of Lipstick:

Entourage last night offered a fairly brisk half-hour that balanced the science fiction of Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Turtle displaying palpable screen chemistry with a fairly easier-to-swallow story involving Vinnie getting fired by a Wolfgang Petersen-type on the set of the extremely timely Smoke Jumpers. As Ari desperately tries to get the director replaced, loyal assistant/stapler target Lloyd runs through a list of names, offering only commode-demolishing Zack and Miri director Kevin Smith as being available. The suggestion tees up another Ari sledgehammer—we won't give it away except to say Red Velvet gluttony is involved—which elicited this reaction from Smith on his message board:

Twilight's Last Gleaming: If you're not reading this from the line outside the Mann Village, here's what you're missing: Nikki Finke reports that Twilight fans are piling up in Westwood by the hundreds, camping out in anticipation of tonight's premiere event. The accompanying photo was published last night; any readers nearby who have a clean shot at the tent city sure to have emerged in the interim are encouraged to send a photo. There's only a week of hype remaining — every precious second counts. [DHD]

The Prop 8 fight isn't the only battle raging in California right now. As we complain about the cold here in New York, huge wildfires are quickly gobbling up large swaths of Southern California. Some 30,000 people have fled their homes, and a reported 1,000 houses have been destroyed. It's pretty apocalyptic looking. As one Flickr member noted, there are scenes of scorched earth and sky that remind us of Cormac McCarthy's end of the world novel The Road. We've put together a gallery of some of our favorite images from Flickr after the jump. Harrowing stuff.

Stephen Colbert brought a preview of his upcoming Comedy Central holiday special to Good Morning America today, revealing a glimpse at a stirring interfaith celebration uniting Catholics, Jews, unsightly turtleneck devotees and a raft of other persuasions. But the brief sample of Colbert prying Hanukkah secrets from Jon Stewart isn't quite enough to make anyone forget how far a holiday show really needs to go to achieve immortality. From the head-exploding ambition of the Star Wars Christmas Special to the suave, sweatered croonings of Solid Gold, there's a golden era of genre excellence that even a talent like Colbert will find himself stretching awfully far to approximate. Follow the jump for five seasonal landmarks worth the effort, and godspeed outdoing any one of them.1. John Davidson, A Solid Gold Christmas (1982) — It was the year Davidson was in the early downswing of his raconteurial powers. And who could fault him? With That's Incredible, a running guest spot on Hollywood Squares and two of his own Christmas specials behind him, among the few milestones left to check off was "Completely KILL on the Solid Gold Christmas show." And kill he did, bringing a never-before-told tale of wintertime glee and his silky baritone to a riveted TV audience. Colbert's own style seems to have already borrowed a bit from this clip, but if he really wants to own the holidays like Davidson, he's going to have to lose the irony. And fast. 2. Kristy McNicol, A Carpenters Christmas (1977) — Leave it to the era's most famous TV tomboy to upstage her own honey-voiced host, but Karen Carpenter was just a fraction of McNicol's competition in the climactic ensemble number "My New Year's Resolution." Harvey Korman? Puppets? The infamously precise Carpenters band? Amateurs all! If Colbert doesn't revive this number, then we're not watching. 3. Bea Arthur, The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) — It may not be George Lucas's most reviled piece of work, but it's the only misstep he's disavowed. Traces remain online, of course, epitomized by saloonkeeper Bea Arthur's desperate plea to clear the Mos Eisley Cantina of its drunken intergalactic riff-raff. Colbert would do well to learn the mistakes of the past lest he be condemned to repeat them; no one has 30 years to wait for his show to be funny, unintentionally or otherwise. 4. Jerry Lawler and Nick Gulas, WHBQ Christmas Special (1976) — The Memphis UHF channel hosted its own wrestling-themed holiday show in 1976, welcoming legend Jerry Lawler and skeevy promoter Nick Gulas to the air to thank the city's fans for the previous year's support. And what a reward! If you don't cry at the pure spirit of giving here — particularly in Lawler's segment — then you're a Grinch. This kind of microtargeting will make huge strides in the Colbert-averse heartland. 5. Bing Crosby and David Bowie, Bing Crosby Christmas Special (1977) — The most awkward intergenerational pairing in the history of holiday TV, Crobsy/Bowie is beyond imitation — but not beyond homage. May we suggest some earnest, sexually ambiguous harmonizing with David Archuleta?

File this under "good timing": just as the passage Proposition 8 ignited a gays vs. Mormons clash so intense that only David Archuleta can mediate a resolution, word has leaked about the next project from South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, a Broadway-bound show entitled Mormon Musical. The two have set openly gay Xanadu alum Cheyenne Jackson to star, and Jackson opened up to Pop Wrap about what to expect (besides, obviously, the angel Moroni slathered in gold body glitter):

Life is getting harder and harder for 'Bolt' star Miley Cyrus in her 16th year, faced with so many of the crises that make our mid-teens such a dramatically turbulent era. Like the driving instructor taking less than kindly to her defiance behind the wheel ("I don't wanna turn left, I wanna turn right!"), all those cheapskate hangers-on who won't buy tickets to her shows, and the father whom the young phenom reduced to a punchline last Friday while in late-night conversation with Jay Leno. It must have been 'Miley Day' again; these rituals just get more and more painful for poor Billy Ray. [The Tonight Show]

In recent years A Christmas Story has built its audience steadily—aided in no small part by its month of 24-hour-a-day airings on TBS—and overtaken all others as the definitively quotable holiday movie of our generation. The Cleveland home used in the film has been restored and open year-round for tours, and stands right across the street from the official A Christmas Story House Museum. But for those ACS fanatics so wackily obsessed with Ralphie's quest for a Red Ryder BB Gun that merely watching the film is no longer enough, comes the ultimate prize ever conceived: An eBay charity auction offering a Christmas spent living in the house itself. (Thanks to the Thighmaster for pointing it out.) You're bidding on an exhaustive recreation of the film's events right down to the Peking Duck dinner at Pearl of the Orient. The rest of the details are after the jump:

· Vin Diesel AbandonedFranchiseWatch: XXX: The Return of Xander Cage will reunite Vin Diesel with director Rob Cohen for another helping of the Xtreme actioner no one remembers or wants! [Variety] · Aaron Eckhart will head his first action movie in Battle: Los Angeles, playing a marine platoon leader fighting an alien invasion of our fair city. Don't use the rubber bullets, Aaron—it'll just be a P.R. disaster for your department when the footage winds up on the news. [THR] · Innovative Artists has "undergone the most significant overhaul in the agency's 26-year history." And what do these sweeping changes entail? Everyone gets a title! Watch out Hollywood: The Vice Associate Director of Scripted Reality Affairs is on line 1, and she sounds angry! [THR] After the jump: Which on-the-cusp-of-It-boy-status actor is partaking of It Boy ritual, "one for them, one for me?"· Twilight star Cam Gigandet and Jena Malone will star in indie drama Five Star Day, which THR celebrates by locating the two worst photos of these two actors ever taken. (Malone fares way worse.) [THR] · The SEC has a few questions for Mark Cuban, who sold 600,000 shares search engine Mamma.com Inc. after receiving a hot insider tip that allowed him to save $750,000 by dumping his stake in the company. Just for fun, we entered "Mark Cuban Insider Trading" in Mamma. Nothing much turned up. Whatchu hiding, Mamma? [Variety]