Though it won't come out until the end of July, Universal has already released a teaser one-sheet for Judd Apatow's Funny People. A little too Touchy-Feely People for your taste? Well, Apatow told us himself the movie about stand-ups "isn't about stand-up comedy. It's about a few characters who are having a crisis, but what makes it different is that they are people who make comedy." Whether the similarities to another tender poster grouping—that of Threesome's Stephen Baldwin-anchored bisexual love triangle—are more than coincidental remains to be seen, though we suppose Seth Rogen's repeated hogging of the communal comforters could itself constitute the crisis that sends the plot into motion. [Funny People on MySpace]

No Limitations! It only took twelve years, but the last week of The View finally put the program over the top to become the highest-rated show in daytime. In particular, the November 5 edition attracted the show's biggest audience ever (6.2 million), no doubt fueled by interest in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's concession speech the day after Barack Obama's historic presidential victory. When reached for comment, Hasselbeck responded, "William Ayers?" [Variety]

Now that the Communist Party has gone after Bond girl Olga Kurylenko for becoming "movie kept girl of capitalist super stud," the actress has been freed to divulge all about her humble, Socialist upbringing. Just how humble was it? Well, as Kurylenko tells Jimmy Kimmel, she was kept locked in a fridge until she reached maturity (in Soviet Russia, you see, fridge owns you).Then, when pressed by Kimmel about injuries suffered while making the film, Kurylenko one-upped her co-star Gemma Arterton by claiming she lost not just a superfluous sixth finger but a third arm as well! Hmmm, a third arm... there's gotta be a 007 sexual innuendo in there somewhere...

Big ups to everyone who made it out to VH1 Classic Rock Autism Celebrity Bowl Off at Lucky Strike Lanes last night. You can browse a gallery of them here, a Malta Summit of Z-lister statesmen and royalty including Corey Feldman, Bachelorette dumpee Jesse Csincsak, and Gretchen Bonaduce and Tiffany—posing in the same photo. (Denis Leary couldn't make it, but sent along a message saying that "knocking down pins with a big heavy ball is about as backwoods retarded as your stupid, lazy-ass kids.") But it's attendee Billy Morrison who most caught our eye, less for what we now know are his musical contributions to The Cult and Camp Freddy, but rather for channeling the unmistakable essence of a certain superproducer headshot worshipped 'round these parts like a Shroud of Defamer Turin. Click for your full, glorious view of what Grazerhead hath wrought. [Photo credit: FilmMagic]

The odds that you remember the drunken, depraved glories of your employer's past holiday parties are virtually nil, so most of Hollywood shouldn't be too upset today to hear how the recession-to-be is affecting this year's big industry fetes. Variety reports that Disney and Viacom won't be celebrating at all, while other studios are scaling back their own events and even awards-season premieres to the extent their needy talent will allow. And if the global economic meltdown didn't feel like a crisis before, wait until you hear how the caterers will be hit:

Uncool, America. We realize it must have been a rough week for Jennifer Aniston, so we were hoping we could pass along some great news that her guest appearance on 30 Rock last night as a...woman who likes to do a lot of things but is ultimately crazy but not in a particularly ha-ha funny way?...boosted the show's ratings. Unfortunately, a season low of 7.5 million tuned in for the episode, which also happened to feature three Night Court cast members. Anthony Edwards's return to ER, however, boosted the show by 1.2 million viewers to 9.8 million. The moral? We're not really sure. Put Michael J. Fox on Kath & Kim and see what happens. [E! Online]

Before the premiere of this fall season, NBC head Ben Silverman liked to brag about the extensive movie star outreach he'd done to populate his shows: Selma Blair in Kath & Kim! Christian Slater in My Own Worst Enemy! Sadly, Kath was poorly received, Enemy has just been axed (alongside another show called something like Project Lipstick, we think?), and the rest of the fall lineup is skidding out like Silverman's Knight Rider retread. You might imagine, with all this broadcast carnage, that some of it might be Silverman's fault. Nuh-unh! protests Page Six:

· DreamWorks is in talks with Clint Eastwood to direct ghost movie Hereafter, which Spike Lee will later decry as featuring only white ghosts. ("Where are the black spirits?! You mean to tell me sheets don't come in brown? Another chapter of African-American afterlife history whitewashed by The Man.") [Variety] · The 18th Environmental Media awards (first we're hearing of them, but we're usually tied up this time of year at the Tire Fire Honors) singled out Into the Wild and 30 Rock, the latter commended for "its great strides in recycling older, less-overhyped sitcoms." [Variety] · Because there's no better way to kick off the weekend than a gloomy economic prospectus, enjoy this collection of downward trends and projected fat-trimmings sure to make 2009 your liquor-store-robbingest best! [THR] After the jump: What surely-no-longer-virginal Disney Channel star is about to get her own show on a tanking network?· Hilary Duff has signed a talent and development deal with NBC. They plan on building a new series around the star, tentatively titled, Law & Order: Hilary Duff Unit. [THR] · HD consumers prefer Blu-ray 10-to-1 over other -ray Colorz. [THR]

The BBC on Thursday unveiled quite the scoop in a world-exclusive interview: Angelina Jolie is going to quit acting! Like, soonish. Sort of. Perhaps a few years from now. Or longer. Like decades, if her stream-of-conscious threat to "fade away" is any indication: Maybe a Kung Fu Panda installment here, a Lara Croft sequel there, and gratuitous Oscar bait every five years or so, carefully timed to coincide with the next collection of candid mealtime snapshots issued by Brad Pitt.It's a far more graceful exit strategy than that of her contemporary Joaquin Phoenix, if only for its intelligibility and lack of knuckle-writing, but all the more jarring for her anticipation of her grandmother years. We'd heard Maddox is precocious and everything, but come on. That's genuinely uncool.

After Barbara Walters spilled the beans yesterday to her fellow Viewesses that Thomas Beatie—aka Coney Island's World Famous Pregnant Man ("$1 Gets A Glimpse At God's Pickle-Craving Mistake!")—was heavy with yet another biologically improbable child, the shit really hit the fan. They've had 24 hours to absorb the news, however, and today were ready to really tackle the nitty-gritty of this procreative mind-twister. In Part One, above, Walters describes the logistics of F2M sex, which she summarized in six reverberating words that could drain much of the hope-capital amassed in recent weeks: "The testosterone made his clitoris lahger." After the jump, the group tries to figure out how Beatie's wife ended up lactating when her husband did all the childbearing heavy-lifting. Of course, none of this is virgin territory for Walters, who memorably profiled grade school transgenders—one she sensitively described as "a girl with a dick"—in her legendary 20/20 special, My Secret Self.

A LAFF Riot: We had just recovered from wiping up our salsa wounds after the tortilla chip Yes on 8 massacre at El Coyote when news broke of a brand new front in the Proposition 8 culture war. According to reports, LA Film Festival director Richard Raddon gave $1500 to the "Yes on 8" cause, a revelation that will surely give pause to the Hollywood demographic David Poland is most worried about: "indie publicists, most of the male species of which are gay." Meanwhile, reps for the Palm Springs Film Festival issued a statement reassuring Hollywood that they're as queer and movie star-ass-kissing friendly as ever. Free appletinis at check-in! [The Advocate]

Never mind our concerns about Inglourious Basterds [sic] being the equivalent of a World War II-themed Abercrombie & Fitch shoot; a new video leaked from the set reassures us that Quentin Tarantino is upholding only the most rigorous authenticity standards from the era. For starters, the auteur teaches a pair of actors proper drink-spitting methods of the Third Reich — not to be confused with the straight-spined expectoration perfected by the British, or the far more complex "Kamikaze Spray" that Japanese pilots blew in their own faces during suicide missions over the Pacific. And to their credit, the Nazi pupils pick the technique up quickly and proficiently, reassuring us that Tarantino hasn't lost a step with actors, Kill Bill 2 notwithstanding. This is why he's paid the big bucks. [YouTube]

With hazmat-suited Harpo workers running Geiger counters over Jennifer Aniston on her way out of the Oprah Winfrey Show studios and failing to find even the slightest traces of irradiated uncoolness, we thought we were finally in the clear with regard to the deadly sexual politics meltdown to contaminate America's superstar love triangles. Alas, a new uncool hot spot has been identified in the Brangelina household, where Aniston-dumping Brad Pitt is reportedly fuming over his ex's totally uncool calling out of his current partner's uncoolness:

What great bard was it that once said, "You don't know what you got til it's gone"? Superman, right? Maybe it was one of the Wonder Twins? Ah, well, no matter — it's just that this brand-new, second official trailer for Zach Snyder's Watchmen calls to mind that intense pang of loss one feels when something dear is stripped away. In this case, we are referring to Billy Crudup's naked blue wang, which seems to have gone missing.It was less than a month ago that Crudup's CG cerulean phallus first thrust itself into the national consciousness, and in that time we've stopped pondering matters like, "Dude, Rorshach sounds just like Christian Bale as Batman" or "Nope, nope, still don't care for that Silk Spectre costume," instead devoting our thoughts to only one question: "The wang — how much are we gonna see it?" Sadly, the new trailer is totally wang-free, indicating that whole scenes — even ones that Crudup does not appear in! — may occur without a glimpse of his flaccid, blue Lower Manhattan. For shame, Mr. Snyder. Please rectify this situation with a red-band (or blue-band?) clip, post-haste. Click to view

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your weekly guide to everything new, noteworthy and cash-hoarding at the movies. That latter qualifier is the centerpiece of today's new openings, with the 007 franchise facing virtually no competition outside a few escaped zoo animals from last week. But you still have options, including some critics' choice for this year's best picture and the usual harvest of fresh DVD's. As always, our opinions are our own, but their hauling power is unmatched and they seat millions comfortably. Take a test drive after the jump?WHAT'S NEW: Quantum of Solace has the wide-release slot to itself, where Daniel Craig's brooding Bond will likely crest above $60 million — by far the highest opening gross of any 007 film to date. We'll call it for $63.7 million despite some pull from leftovers Madagascar 2 and Role Models, themselves expecting $40 million and $10 million respectively in their second weekends. Your options are a lot better when avoiding the multiplex in LA: Jean-Claude Van Damme's meta-self-biopic JCVD is opening, along with the almost universally acclaimed Catherine Deneuve/Mathieu Amalric dramedy A Christmas Tale. Also: The Alphabet Killers, featuring Eliza Dushku as a police detective (!); the explicit gay Israeli romantic comedy Antarctica; the talky Afghanistan war indie B.O.H.I.C.A. (Army slang for "Bend Over Here it Comes Again"); the Liberian repression doc Pray the Devil Back to Hell; the Jewish basketball chronicle The First Basket; and a new adaptation of Dalton Trumbo's novel Johnny Got His Gun. THE BIG LOSER: Aside from the glut of indies above, chasing scraps from art-house audiences on their way to DVD — and Soul Men continuing to underperform with $2.2 million or so — today's slate seems to be pretty insulated from disaster. Everyone wins!

· We really don't know what ET expected to get out of this interview with the stars of a porn version of Facts of Life, but we'll just consider ourselves lucky we never got to meet Mrs. Garrett and Jo. · Videogum lays out a compelling conspiracy web implicating Obama, Rahm Emanuel, Abraham Lincoln, and Elton John. · We hear there was a hot Cartman boys' shower scene that never made it to the final cut of South Park's ode to High School Musical last night. · Bush gives the shocker. · On Tom Colicchio's Top Chef blog, the judge admitted that the smell of fresh bear blood on freshly sliced apples drove him wild with desire. (Actually that's just how it played out in our heads.)

· And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead The Echo, Kathleen Edwards & John Doe at El Rey, and Joe Satriani is at The Wiltern. · John Updike lectures at Royce Hall. · The Joy Luck Club, the play based on the novel, is at the David Henry Hwang Theater. Bring hankies!

Hey guys! So, we're starting this rumor that, uh... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (yes, the dreamy president of Iran, who else?) is going to be making a, uh, sweeps-week cameo on, well, let's say Private Practice because why not? What's that? We sound a little unconvincing? Well, congratulations, you just beat out the rumor-sniffing skills of the crack team over at Page Six! Let's take a look at this similar, outlandishly wrong rumor they ran today about Sarah Palin, shall we:

The jury has delivered their verdict in the Anand Jon Alexander model-raping case. With a mindblowing 23 counts of rape and sexual assault filed against him in L.A. County Superior Court, Jon was found guilty of 16 of them. WaxWord reports:

Real Estate, Bubbles. Michael Jackson has finally ceded the deed to the Neverland Ranch. It goes to a company he has a partial stake in, but consider this the final goodbyes between deposed pop monarch and his personal Touch Mahal. He hasn't lived there since he was acquitted in his 2005 molestation trial, and we understand in recent years its rusting carnival rides have become home to a small pack of feral llama-boys, who wandered off on a school field trip to the legendary estate in 1998 and were eventually taken in by a family of camelids as their own. [E Online]