Again, a la "Clay Aiken unconvincingly grabbing a handful," we'll believe it when we see her publicist jamming a slice of pizza into her mouth. And we're pretty sure those will be normal-sized sunglasses if she ever hits a healthy weight.

LA.comfidential's insidery-monikered The Insider reports that Lilliputian NBC head Jeff Zucker (depicted in actual size at left, trying to crawl into anointed Must See TV savior Matt LeBlanc's ear and steer the network towards salvation) got buck naked in a video presentation to advertisers at last week's upfronts. Zucker, ever on the vanguard of originality, did an Austin Powers-inspired bit in which his naked member was obscured by a candle. The Insider didn't note what kind of candle, but we're going to extrapolate based on Zucker's pint-sized dimensions and guess that it was of the birthday variety.

International television buyers are puzzled and dismayed at Fox's new program launch schedule, which will launch shows in June, November and January, instead of introducing all of its new shows in the traditional Fall period. THR quotes Richard Sattler, CEO of an LA based rep for international buyers, ""I will say that the international buyers are very confused by Fox announcing so many schedules with summer, fall and midseason launches. It makes it all very confusing..."

Defamer's server was down for a couple of hours this morning, due to what our techie-type person describes as a mysterious "attack from China." We suppose this is what happens when you pay for your hosting with giant bags of pills and American blue jeans.

Jesse Palmer, third-string Giants QB and this season's Bachelor, is now accused of completing a quarterback sneak into both finalist's reproductive systems. On this week's The Bachelor: After The Final Rose wrap-up show, winner Jessica and anxiety-attack victim Tara will dismiss rumors that they are both pregnant:

As if having an almost constant stream of programming dedicated to yapping about the 80's weren't enough, now VH1 is developing a scripted series about the Brat Pack. You know, Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson, Rob Lowe, et al. [Ed.note to Gen.Y—Think of the Brat Pack as the Mickey Mouse Club that spawned Britney, Christina, and Justin, but with more cocaine, more sex with underage girls, more sex with hookers, and more age-inappropriate relationships. But don't worry, your generation will eventually catch up and make you proud.] Casting should be a breeze—many of the Pack are still available at very affordable prices, and are probably willing to spring for the facelifts themselves. But if they get the original Packers, VH1 should definitely institute a BYOB—Bring Your Own Blow—policy, or they're looking at severe budgetary overruns.

Some readers have helpfully written in to help crack the secret code on Ben Affleck's baffling "OV" tattoo, which recently led to a theory that he is supposedly A-list actor/pseudonymous blogger Rance. One reader uncharitably unscrambles the letters visible in the picture to the left and comes up with "ROTTEN HOMO ON VO." Play nice, kids.

Months before the recent NBC-Universal merger, the two parties put a synergistic series called Transylvania into development for NBC, set in the world of Universal's Van Helsing. Both sides now claim that Transylvania was shelved well before Van Helsing opened to horrible reviews and disappointing box office, but you can bet that if Van Helsing justified its enormous budget with a strong opening, Transylvania would have been rushed into production.

How about if a female publicist blew you at a press conference? Nah. It's going to take nothing less than full-motion video with penetration to kill those rumors, Clay. But a nice try nonetheless.

Ever wonder why your friends and coworkers at The Cheesecake Factory only have nice things to say about your most recent play/screenplay/acting gig, which, deep down, you know is god-awful? Actor/gameshow host Regan Burns translates the ambiguously positive remarks of the "Hollywood Lie" your peers deliver through a forced smile and gritted teeth. Don't worry, you can still have the last laugh. Peeing in a producer friend's food is a time-worn Hollywood revenge.

A report from the Vancouver set of Edison, in which Justin Timberlake will make his "serious" acting debut, confirms what's been keeping us up for weeks, softly sobbing to "Cry Me A River" as we toss and turn in a cold sweat: Justin can't act a lick, despite what the PR flacks want you to believe. Says our spy, "The boy can sing, but damn, he sure can't act. Everyone has been making fun of him. He needs to stick to what made him famous." Good idea. But without a time machine or some very suspect surgery, how do we get him to devirginize Britney Spears again?

Disney CEO Michael Eisner is taking a page from the presidential handbook on crisis management: When things aren't looking so good, send the troops to a place ill-equipped to resist an invasion. Eisner has unleashed his army of 700 lbs, celebrity-designed Mickeys to conquer Chicago. Once they've run roughshod over the Windy City, be prepared for the disturbing photos of hideously tacky mice gleefully torturing the captured, improv-happy members of Second City. Look, this Mickey's already learned the thumbs-up!

Today in The Morning News, Kevin Fanning turns on his billionaire chipmunk thought translator and gets inside the Olsen Twins' heads. He extracts Mary-Kate and Ashley's post-bomb plans: Time for college!

It should surprise no one that Michael Moore's controversial anti-Bush documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 was awarded the Palm d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival, the event's top prize. After all, "The Documentary That Michael Eisner Doesn't Want You To See" received the longest ovation in the history of people sufficiently evolved to stand erect and bang their extremities together. "You will ensure that the American people will see this movie," Moore said, thanking the jury for recognizing the film.. Yes, props to the jury for ensuring that at the Oscars, Moore will either claim responsibility for John Kerry's election or take a dump on the podium to thank America for four more years of Bush.

Congratulations to new mother Helen Hunt and father Matthew Carnahan (a television writer/producer), who announced the birth of their daughter Makena'lei Gordon Carnahan to the public some two weeks after its birth. The child is named for a town in Maui, Hawaii; one can only assume that's where the child was conceived after a wild night of mai tais and hula dancing, with the sweaty lovers engaging in some speculative pillow-talk. "Honey, if I get pregnant tonight, I think it would be really great if we gave the baby a Hawaiian name, even though neither of us are Hawaiian." "Baby, that's a great idea, but I insist that the child have an apostrophe in its name. God, you look so hot in that grass skirt."

The Monday morning numbers are the only cure for our debilitating Vegas hangover.

We'll tell you what: You come up with a billboard this fucking cool, and you're going to get some free advertising. This is hovering above Beverly Blvd.

For information on advertising on Defamer, whose readers are hopelessly dedicated to spending their cash on your products, send an email here. Many thanks to this week's sponsors, who are indirectly subsidizing a bender in Vegas, and to a lesser extent, the entire gaming industry:

A reader tries to decode Ben Affleck's puzzling "OV" tattoo, which led to a theory that the "Ben" part of the celeb conglomeration "Bennifer" is actually Rance (in the pic, the letters MOH NON TE are clearly legible above the VO): "It anagrams to "one month". Maybe in AA he was so happy to have gone one month without VO he celebrated with a tattoo?"

FRIDAY:
· Ben Gibbard ignores his side projects and remembers where his bread is buttered: Death Cab for Cutie's at the Wiltern. Go see what all the characters on The O.C. have been chattering about—and we're willing to bet that Summer and Seth Cohen will be sucking face right by the stage, but in a very "we're not an item" way.
· Go the ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood and observe the extent to which it's bent over for Shrek's gigantic ogre meat. They've turned the landmark Cinerama Dome green and slapped some huge ears on it. Call us when they stick a gigantic nipple on top for Mean Girls.
· FOUND magazine editor Davy Rothbart reads from little scraps of discarded paper and random Post-It Notes at Skylight Books in Los Feliz. It's much better than it sounds.