Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban director Alfonso Cuaron would love to have the same cast for the remaining Potter movies. Good luck with that, Alfonso. The kids have this annoying habit of going through puberty; even when stage moms lock their kids up like veal to keep them cuddly for as long as possible, they still manage to chew through the ropes and wind up tying off Corey Haim. Or they mature overnight just like Hermione on a recent Saturday Night Live sketch (played by who else but "blossomed" former child actor Lindsay Lohan), and the future Potter flicks get a little more R-rated.

In a weeklong journal for Slate, Late Night With Conan O'Brien writer Demetri Martin gives us an inside look at the nonstop action of the comedy writing workplace.

Blogger Occupation: Girl takes the overlong epic Troy and boils it down to just fifteen sweet minutes. The best part? Achilles has most of his dialogue cut.

We're hearing that Fox really drummed up some excitement at the upfronts in New York, but not because they've decided to destabilize the television business with their crazy ideas. The whispers are that a member of their marketing staff got so stinking drunk that he/she really got stinking drunk—and shit him/herself. Then someone took pics of said poopypants, which circulated back to the bosses. Which, of course, led to a speedy dismissal. It's bad enough to crap yourself in a room full of your peers (or so we hear), but if Fox fired the poor staffer, well, that would smell even worse.

Welcome to a special, single-sighting edition of Hollywood PrivacyWatch, which has necessitated this Defamer Reader Advisory: Stay out of Glendale unless you're prepared to have your Sunset Strip'd ass rocked right back to 1984!

Professional hater David Cross takes down almost the entire summer movie slate in an E! Online interview. Funny, we thought that despite his initial resistance, he was totally going to fall in love with Garfield! How can he savage a lasagna-eating cat who hates Mondays, which will almost certainly be a better talking feline movie than Catwoman? (Though admittedly one with slightly less masturbatory potential.) Does he like anything?

A tipster catches Courteney Cox and David Arquette's marriage coming apart as they lunch at separate tables:

Wow, it's as if our very mention of "Crest Whitestrips" has conjured this out of thin air: the official Crest Whitestrips Style Award nominees have been announced. When we noted the epic press release over a month ago, our inner pessimist never dared to dream that this ambitious vision might one day be realized, or that Sharon Stone would actually go through with her hosting responsibilities.

Star Magazine lists the going rates for celebrity nude photos, which clearly don't adhere to the supply and demand dynamics of the free market. Angelina Jolie ($1.2 mil) has been naked in nearly every movie she's ever been in—we can sketch her nipples from memory; in fact, we're sketching her right now. McConaughey for 200 grand? He'd whip it out for a hit from your bong. Brad Pitt's junk ($1 mil) has been on the web for years. And if you want to know what Timberlake ($400K) is packing, just head to Vancouver.

Rush & Molloy get the story behind the wacky brawl following Lindsay Lohan's little brother's First Communion party at the family's Long Island home. Suffice it to say that drinking and Irish Catholics were involved, which can only end with a proud dad hitting his brother-in-law in the head with his shoe and endless media speculation about the possible surgical enhancement of his daughter's rack. Trust us, we have firsthand experience in both matters.

According to the LAT's Steve Lopez, erstwhile "Most Powerful Man in Hollywood" Michael Ovitz is already inciting his future Benedict Canyon neighbors to riot. The construction of his understated 28,059-square-foot mansion has the facelifts of the neighborhood's multimillionaires vibrating with rage. 77 trees will have to be uprooted and the trucks removing 15,000 cubic yards of dirt might slow the BMW and Lexus traffic on the Canyon's winding roads to a crawl.

Like two Abu Ghraib detainees quibbling over who was on top of the man-pile, NBC and CBS both have claimed victory in this season's ratings competition. CBS head/tooth-whitening addict Les Moonves touts his network's triumph in overall viewers, while tiny NBC overlord Jeff Zucker says he bestrides the 18-49 demographic like an itty-bitty Colossus.

According to Madonna's official website (no, it's not kabbalah.com, you're incorrigible!), tonight's show at the LA Forum has been canceled. "Madonna has the stomach flu and was ordered by her doctor to rest this evening. She will be back at 100% and can't wait to entertain her fans!!!!" [Ed.note—Totally retarded exuberance theirs.]

By early 2005, MTV will launch LOGO, a cable channel targeted at the gay community. LOGO? How many focus group millions were dumped into that name? MTV, it's not too late. Here are Defamer's suggestions:

Lost Remote points us to this utterly disturbing study, which concludes that people with Digital Video Recorders (DVRs) are actually more likely to watch commercials than those just watching, as Defamer likes to refer to it, "acoustic TV".

Since there hasn't been (and probably won't be until June) any action on a possible Writers Guild strike, it's time to look forward to the coming Fall negotiations between the Screen Actors Guild and the studios. SAG is trying to ratify a dues increase which would help them build a strike fund and pay down some of their debt. But a little old-fashioned infighting (which is far too boring to get into here) may stop them from getting their fund together.

A reader who actually "sat through all eight hours" of the NBC upfronts questions the LA.comfidential item about a naked Jeff Zucker shilling for his shows that we linked to earlier today. (UPDATE: They've attributed the item to something called Electronic Media magazine. Not so Insider-y a scoop after all.) He says there was no "nekkid" Zucker (pictured at left, wearing an enormous, futuristic peacock headress, possibly to overcompensate for his all-around lack of size) in this year's wacky video. Instead, there was an interview with Roy Horn, seemingly duct-taped together as he continues to recover from his near-fatal white-tiger mauling, to promote the NBC computer-animated show Father Of The Pride.

Yesterday, we ran an item about pregnancy rumors on the final Bachelor episode that airs tomorrow night. (Yes, the ACTUAL last episode, The Bachelor: After The Final Rose, where the couple always talks about how they're taking things slowly before quietly breaking up). Today Reality Blurred has a link to some camera phone pics from the set of TB:ATFR of panic-attack prone runner-up Tara storming off the set, pursued by producers.

Beautiful-people readers of this site probably eschew the ugly-people gossip of our Washington sister-site, Wonkette. But after Wonkette broke the story of Capitol Hill sex/anal sex/cash-for-sex blogger Jessica Cutler ("Washingtonienne"), the Hollywood should be watching. Playboy reportedly wants to entice the comely, ass-fucking obsessed duo into a tasteful, inevitably legislative-themed nude photo spread. And we just heard Howard Stern order his producer to book Cutler on his radio show. How long before we see our Wonkette and galpal Cutler on E!, as Howard wheedles and offers piles of cash for some girl-on-girl action?

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by readers. Make sure yours are recorded for posterity by emailing them to tips@defamer.com.