"A judge has decided that Kevin Federline will get custody of sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, starting this Wednesday. At a hearing in the Federline v. Spears custody case in Los Angeles Monday, the court ordered that Federline take care of the children he shares with ex-wife Britney Spears until further order of the court." [Us Weekly]
In what must be the most trying and unheralded period of Britney Spears's career yet, any sort of achievement—even topping a UKTV Gold poll honoring the "most embarrassing dance sequence of all time"—must come as welcome news. Surely learning not even the mass cringing elicited by Elaine Benes's thumb-flinging pas de incontinence could approach that of her own VMAs performance should be enough to comfort Spears with the knowledge that 2007 wasn't a total wash.
· Just in case you need to see video of a relatively intact George Clooney working his red carpet magic to know he's really going to be OK, here you go.
· Say what you will about Britney Spears, but she did learn to put on shoes when using public restrooms. That's measurable progress, even if the leap forward came because of a session with a court-ordered bathroom-hygiene coach.
· And while we're talking about her, Sarah Silverman shrugs off her "adorable mistakes" joke from the VMAs.
· Sometimes we really worry about the folks at TMZ. We hope they run footage of the staff meeting pitch that resulted in that post on tonight's show: "OK, remember Baby Spice? Well, she's selling pasta sauce. What do you say we Photoshop up something where it looks like Chef Boyardee took a dump on her head?"
· And finally: Tiny couch lizard.
Financial Times columnist James Altucher, operating on the principle that "when everyone says 'sell,' we know it's time to buy," is bullish on Britney Spears. He suggests adding Skechers (she endorses their shoes), Jakks Pacific (they make the Britney Doll), Elizabeth Arden (manufacturer of her perfume), Pepsi (another endorsee, and what her children drink instead of milk) and her record label Sony to your portfolio. We know nothing about finance, but, uh, no. [FT]
On this morning's Today show, early-rising interrogator Matt Lauer broke out the nipple clamps and car battery in hopes of getting some answers out of ex-Britney Spears bodyguard and Spears-Federline Custody Trial of the Century "secret witness" Tony Barretto regarding his shocking accusations that he'd personally observed the twice-rehabbed mother of two abusing unspecified substances in the VIP booth and VVIP bathroom stall of an unidentified L.A. nightclub.
"Chris first got on our radar a year ago," said 44 Blue prexy/co-founder Rasha Drachkovitch, who said he wants to develop a show that plays to Crocker's strengths.
Faced with the Solomonic dilemma of deciding whether to award custody of steadily working celebrity-weekly cover models Sean Preston and Other One Federline to a former pop star mother prone to vagina-flashing, poorly lip-synced breaks with reality or to to the background-dancing father who impregnated his way to parasitic fame and fortune, a judge ruled on Monday to allow Britney Spears and her ex-husband to continue their joint-neglect arrangement, but did institute a number of court-mandated guidelines the parents need to follow if they hope to keep the state of California from impounding the adorable tykes. But wisely realizing that Spears might need extra help in getting her parenting skills up to an acceptable level, the judge added some supplemental Britney Rules to his decree, as reported by UsMagazine.com's blogspot:
Out from the ranks of Britney Spears' security detail—a platoon of handsome, tight-lipped mannies who obligingly intervene whenever they stumble upon their boss inadvertently tossing an infant son into the dryer with a basket of wet bikini components—rises a lone voice: Tony Barretto, a gargantuan, 28-year-old father of two, was assigned to protect the fallen pop star from the time she left Promises in March until May 17 of this year. In that time, he claims he witnessed Spears engaged in all manner of illicit and naked-making activities not befitting a mother, which he was prepared to describe for a judge at yesterday's custody hearing:
T.V. "newsmagazine" ET has, they say, been working on a story "for the past two months" about how the FBI and the LAPD are investigating "a contract hit" on Kevin Federline, who is the useless flap of skin that used to be attached to Britney Spears. Um what? Also: "Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger." Do they need his phone? Couldn't they just like, tell Perez Hilton or something? And is this what took them two months: "When contacted, the FBI told us that the bureau cannot confirm or deny an investigation"? Yup. All that and still their headline is in the form of a question!
