On this morning's Today show, early-rising interrogator Matt Lauer broke out the nipple clamps and car battery in hopes of getting some answers out of ex-Britney Spears bodyguard and Spears-Federline Custody Trial of the Century "secret witness" Tony Barretto regarding his shocking accusations that he'd personally observed the twice-rehabbed mother of two abusing unspecified substances in the VIP booth and VVIP bathroom stall of an unidentified L.A. nightclub.

Perhaps the most disturbing element of Barretto's story is how his troubled charge allegedly pressed him into degrading "human curtain rod" duty, in which he was forced to obscure illicit activities so impressive in their duration that the burly sentinel nearly suffered muscle failure from holding up the improvised privacy barrier that prevented other clubgoers from coveting Spears' stash.