Renaissance! Promises! Passages! Harmony Place and The Canyon! Malibu, just up the road from the rotting stench that is Hollywood, is a haven of insanely-priced and stupidly-named rehabs. But they don't just not work for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan—they also don't seem to work for normal people, and they also cost twice as much as, say, Betty Ford.
According to an e-mail blast entitled BRITNEY SPEARS DOES NOT WANT TO BE A BARTENDER! we just received from Extra, a rep from her alleged prospective employer would like to respond to TMZ's story from yesterday: "While Britney Spears was a guest of Viceroy Santa Monica, I can confirm that she did not submit a job application to the hotel." Of course, this could merely indicate the Spears never got around to following the application she supposedly requested, yet another indication of her inability to follow through on anything related to her becoming a more productive member of society. The judge will not be pleased. [Extra]
As compellingly pointed out by Inside Edition last night, the streets of her beloved Los Angeles have become increasingly perilous for embattled, part-time mother Britney Spears, as the Starbucks runs and sushi lunches she once scheduled with the major paparazzi agencies without incident have now devolved into full-blown riots where upset citizens launch espresso-enriched Molotov cocktails at the pop star and her unwelcome shutterbug entourage.
Is the idea of Britney Spears taking a bartending job really that crazy? If she's going to spend all her time at drinking establishments anyway, she might as well be picking up extra cash to help pay her lawyers to get her babies back. And she's already proven she has no natural talent for the other potentially lucrative profession with flexible, late-night hours she could be undertaking while she's waiting to have her custody restored, so her best shot at collecting wadded up tips will clearly come from behind the bar, not on the pole. [TMZ]
Occasionally, the shutterbug class has to contend with the occupational hazard of having the scalding hot contents of a Starbucks cup thrown on them, an airborne assault that can originate either from their macchiato-loving quarry or from a third party displeased with the parking lot congestion that accompanies every impromptu Spears photo shoot. Overall, however, the mild burns are preferable to having a Merecedes hood ornament tattooed on one's torso following a typical run-in with Lindsay Lohan.
Now that we've gotten a look at the official video for Britney Spears' "Gimme More" being unleashed on the world today (all of those de facto "making of" clips documenting the conditions under which it was created really whetted our appetite for the finished product), we think we better understand what was going on in her disastrous™ VMAs performance: when Britney wandered that MTV stage like a tranquilized stripper, she was just trying to remember the moves presented to her in a five-minute crash course in gentleman's club choreography she largely ignored on the "Gimme More" shoot, becoming disoriented by the presence of background dancers and the vexing absence of a pole. In any event, enjoy the latest video evidence that Spears' career comeback is proceeding about as successfully as her family life.
As Britney Spears waves goodbye to happier days of electively supervised visits with her children to the harsh new reality of court-ordered supervised visits, we offer by way of support a round-up of sympathetic celebrity sentiments from around the web:
· Tatum O'Neal advises that Spears "needs to think she needs some help; no one can tell her. She can get better ... but it's going to be hard, and she'll do it publicly, and that sucks," before looking directly into the camera and letting the singer know that if she needs someone to blame, her father Ryan is always available. [ETOnline]
· Syndicated fulfillment guru Mr. Phil addressed the topic on today's episode, saying the singer suffers from a "toxic brain," that mom Lynn Spears is a "solid asset," and if the two would be willing to have 24-hour surveillance cameras placed in their homes, he'd be more than happy to offer his therapy services in front of a national audience gratis. [OK!]
Whether or not Leave Britney Alone Guy's reality TV show ever finds its way onto a basic cable network schedule, his impact on our culture has been profound. In this post-LBAG world, people now realize that the appearance of a video camera represents their own shot at Spears-derived fame and fortune, even if the That Wasn't Right What You Said About Britney Spears' Kids 'Cause They Were Not Bastards She Was Married To That Man Gal project they're pitching is probably too close to the one already in development to merit serious consideration.
Having within a span of 48 hours been subjected to the humiliating loss of her children, the cruel indifference of DMV employees, and extremely uncomfortable small-talk with Dave Matthews on the Peninsula's breakfast buffet line, Britney Spears struggles to maintain composure through what is arguably her rock-bottomest moment yet. In court today, however, came a small ray of hope, as Commissioner Scott Gordon softened his initial ruling :
What celebs move the most magazines? "We looked at the newsstand sales of the six leading celebrity weeklies—People, Star, US Weekly, In Touch Weekly, Life & Style and OK!—over a six-month period ending June 30, as supplied by the Audit Bureau of Circulations. We eliminated all non-celebrity and collage covers as well as special issues with exceptionally large rate bases. Then we counted how many more—or less—issues the celebrity's cover sold, as compared with the magazine's average newsstand sales." Your top three, in order: Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Scarlett Johansson. The big loser? Britney Spears. [Forbes]
A flurry of tanning-bed-related activity has followed Britney Spears' relinquishing of her two sons to Kevin Federline's custody yesterday (a moment to let that sink in like a rusty anchor), which we sum up for you here in an easy-to-skim, round-up fashion:
Our uneducated guess as to why the judge forced Britney Spears to relinquish custody of her kids to Kevin Federline proved true, as Spears reportedly ignored every Britney Rule the court laid out for her. Then again, maybe she never even read them, as she apparently didn't bother to sign the judge's order. [TMZ]
As we struggle to make sense of a world in which one of the most beloved music icons of our era is robbed of her frequently fumbled pride and joy merely because of a two-year, drug and nudity-filled rough patch, we felt we could use some cheering up courtesy of a party report from trusty Defamer PartyWatcher Ann. Accompanied by photographer Maggie Serrano, the two attended Friday's opening soirée for the Just Britney show at the World of Wonder gallery in Hollywood, site of the Golden Girls Erotica Expo. With the fallen pop star the subject of every work on display, it was a unique and exciting happening attended by club kid and club adult alike. Ann's report and an image gallery follow after the jump:
Even though it seems like just yesterday that an L.A. judge was so flummoxed by the fact that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline insouciantly shrugged off his dramatic decree that their two children be cleaved in twain and their truncated baby-halves be shared by the ex-couple with a dismissive, "Whatever. Her moms will stitch 'em back together all new-like for us!" that he allowed their joint custody of the children to continue out of sheer frustration, Us Weekly reports that the court has now reversed course and awarded Sean Preston and their still-unnamed younger child to Federline until further notice.
