It's true. Britney Spears kissed Madonnas. Now she's talking in a fake British accent, like Madonna. And, upon reflection, she's even beginning to look like the Madonna. The reasons or "push factors" are myriad but at least some of this must have to do with a realisation that if she's to endure, she'll have to switch sides in the great Virgin Mother/Whore debate. After the jump, photographic evidence from the Cinquecento!

You heard the man, everything vaguely Britney Spears related is big news. How about this? When the young chanteuse/train wreck was in the Cedars-Mt. Sinai hospital ward for the mentally cray-cray, Ms. Spears was speaking with a British accent. Arguments that she was insane: She's insane. Arguments that she wasn't: Everyone in England speaks with a British accent and that also includes Claire Danes who was born in Manhattan. [ET Online]

If you're inclined to believe in the wisdom of crowds (well, in this instance, the wisdom of trainwreck-craving mobs), then perhaps the celebrity-mental-health professionals of Cedars Sinai shouldn't have been so willing to rid themselves of tantrum-throwing, high-profile charge Britney Spears even a minute before the conclusion of the 72-Hour Handcuffed To A Radiator Until She Chills The Fuck Out Watch under which the troubled part-time mom was supposedly being detained. We, however, choose not to share in the bleak prediction of ExtraTV.com's readership, instead trusting that Dr. Phil, even after abandoning his poorly received plans for a nationally televised intervention, will still find a way to deliver the tough love it will take to get Spears' life back on track.

In an internal email issued this afternoon, Los Angeles Associated Press assistant bureau chief Frank Baker notified his staff of a major policy change."Now and for the foreseeable future," he wrote, "virtually everything involving Britney is a big deal." OMG, did you hear? Britney is a BIG DEAL, y'all! Nervous breakdowns are totes the most efficient way to achieve household name status. Memo after the jump.

Whether or not you believe the U.K.'s News of the World's highly dubious but insanely entertaining account of the events that led up to her 5150 Straightjacket Meltdown, one specific detail particularly resonated: The one where Britney calls up Jamie Lynn, says, "You're not going to be the only fucking Spears on the front cover of a magazine next week," then abruptly hangs up on her.

While we've previously offered our own (admittedly uninformed) speculation about what Britney Spears might have ingested to earn some chill-out time at Cedars Sinai and sources have since insisted that Spears is clean, we still feel that the analysis of one Courtney Love, perhaps the leading celebrity expert on chemical overindulgence and 5150-ward detentions, is noteworthy: "man was that truly neccessary? Poor thing, i didnt need to see all that fecal matter on the walls but Thaliens at Cedars is obviously loads nicer than Bellevue- shes takingt far too much adderol, thats what ive heard and what appears to be the issue to me wich is by the way none of my fucking business.or ours. I hope she gets a smoke soon, they dont let you smoke for 72 hours on a 5150, its blows for her, and i feel bad for her , really really bad for her- i came in as an outsiderso i didnt come in as a sweetheart, its slightly easier for me, i was never a good girl,l its still sucks ass, but oh whatever....nevermind.bless i hope people stop hurting on her."
xxc [MySpace]

If the Spears Meltdown was looking to be missing any one thing, it was probably crossover appeal, an oversight quickly remedied when Dr. Phil's Tough Love Intervention Tour '08 made a surprise stop at her Cedars-Sinai hospital room. Little could he have known the outrage that such a selfless endeavor would elicit from the press (and admiration from Dr. Joyce Brothers), and after two straight days of pummeling, it turns out the Very Special Episode to Save Britney is being scrapped. Sadly, we'll never know for sure what transpired during that 15 minute conversation, but thanks to Defamer videographer Molly McAleer now you can watch how the butting of the famously bald heads might have gone down after the jump.

Since being released after just one day from her 5150 Hold (a state-mandated suicide watch, and now also the latest secret menu ordering style at In-N-Out), People is reporting that the troubled™ singer was not in fact "under the influence" of a controlled substance, as believed by authorities, and wildly speculated about by us. Quoting a number of "reliable sources," it turns out the only thing Spears was mainlining was a candle-heated spoonful of black tar crazy:

As you may or may not have heard, Britney Spears has been having some "sanity issues" of late. Thankfully, on Saturday Dr. Phil swooped his hairless head in to Cedars Sinai and rescued the once upon a pop star, securing her release and whisking her away to parts unknown. "Parts unknown" of course only if you have no idea where Palm Desert is. It's 120 miles east of Los Angeles. It used to be a training ground for General Patton's troops! It's the cradle for the stoner rock movement! It's also where Spears was spotted Sunday morning with her Afghani-born (OMG!!) BF Adnan Ghalib. According to abnormally eye-patched Vegas gossip columnist Norm!, "Spears was celebrating her release with a mimosa champagne drink during breakfast at the Daily Grill on El Paseo....During breakfast, she went to the restroom with her champagne flute, while her friend stood outside the door." [Struggling not to make "2 Girls 1 Flute" joke!] [Photo: Page Six]

As it turns out, the 72-Hour Strapped To A Gurney While Being Monitored By Five Burly Orderlies Super Mental Breakdown Watch under which Britney Spears was being detained at Cedars Sinai's vaunted Celebrity Meltdown Ward is not quite as restrictive in its patient-retention policies as we'd assumed, as Spears has already left the hospital following just a little over a day of crazy-containment.

Though things on the Britney Spears front had been quiet enough over the past handful of hours that the ambulance sirens that had been ringing in our heads since late last night had finally started to subside, there's now an update: As one might expect in a case in which a troubled mother has been placed on Super Double 5150 Hold 72-Hour Mental Lockdown Watch, the court has awarded sole custody of Spears' children to comparative paragon of stability Kevin Federline and suspended her visitation rights until, in the oddly unedited words of an exasperated child-services commissioner, "This Britney person can keep her shit together for, like, five consecutive hours. I fucking give up, really. I'm going to Cabo until March. If she still wants the kids back then, she can call me." [Access Hollywood]

Last night while everyone losing their shit in Iowa watching the battle of the century, Britney Spears was waging her own legal fight. A flurry of paparazzi descended upon her home last night to cover her scuffle with the cops and subsequent hospitalization. But what's the nation's reaction? How did Obama and Huckabee stack up against Spears for media love? The results might surprise you.

Answer: We don't know! Like the rest of you, we've read that Brit Brit was "under the influence of an unknown substance" when the EMTs arrived at her supersized double-wide last eve (they must've convinced her that the van with the flashing lights in her driveway was really a hydrogen-powered shuttlebus to Les Deux). And, just like the rest of you, we're wildly curious to find out more deets about the cornocopia of pharms that were racing through her bloodstream. Our hasty diagnosis, after the jump.

Bolting upright in bed after being tormented by nightmares induced by having to watch as much breaking news footage of last night's Unfortunate Britney Spears Incident as her tragedy-addled mind could handle, Defamer videographer Molly McAleer finally gave up on an unavoidably fitful sleep, deciding that the best way to deal with this difficult time was to retreat to the safety of her flickering computer screen. The above mash-up represents poor Molly's attempt at exorcising her demons by sharing with the world the series of dream-despoiling images—featuring Spears in potentially life-threatening situations both fanciful and all too real (where, may we ask, was "Everytime" hero Stephen Dorff when Britney needed him most?)—that may still haunt her the rest of her days.

In probably the saddest single quote to emerge from the ongoing Britney drama, a source at Cedars-Sinai assigned to their "special needs" (i.e. OD or suicide attempt) patients explained, "So we got a call to go have someone sit with her. None of us wanted to go sit with her," going on to explain that while they'd have loved to console the alternately laughing and sobbing intake, they had a whole cabinet of Heparin that needed reorganizing. [Us]

Britney Spears, as you may have heard, took a relaxing ambulance ride to Cedars Sinai Hospital last night, where some nice people in white coats are currently busy trying to douse the flames of her latest attempt at self-immolation. (Meanwhile, some not-so-nice people will be deciding how much time should pass it's safe for her to have a playdate with the children she has a hard time raising even between breakdowns.) Above, a helpful AP video can quickly orient you on the story, then quickly return you to a disoriented state with images of crazed paparazzi chasing Spears on her journey to the hospital. Below, a round-up of various outlets' attempts at parsing her mental state:

How in the hell did Britney Spears fall this low? Who is she? If you've been living under a rock for the past ten years or, you know, engaging in meaningful discourse and bettering our society, you might not know! But now you need to. At least enough to bluff. Because people will be talking about her graceful swan dive. So, let's get you informed. After the jump you'll find a handy timeline of this troubled chanteuse's glorious supernova of a life.

Today's puzzler: 24-hour cable news nets are more interested in missing white lady hiker and successful black guy candidate than crazy hospitalized pop starlet. ALSO it could snow at any second in California!

It turns out Britney Spears might not technically be nutso. She's actually just "under the influence of an unknown substance." Of course, that unknown substance could be a vial of pure 100% Crazy! For the amazing part of the world that is Southern California, this is like 9/11 and just like 9/11, the newscasters have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. Defamer has some pretty good videos too, in which one can hear a paparazzo salivate with glee at getting a clean shot of Britney's driveway. Yay, America!

Oh, what the hell: Defamer videographer Molly McAleer was up to capture the live feed, we're up to blog it—and this Fox News helicopter cameraman's voice has become our new best friend, helpfully pointing out where one of the Van Halenses lives, then trenchantly observing, "Look at this....look- look- look- look at that. That is insanity!" upon witnessing the swarm of paparazzi trailing the ambulance containing a Britney Under the Influence. OK, we really need some sleep before the cops show up to make us give up our two kids—and we don't even have any!