The Way We Live Now: Panicky! Swine flu is happening so sell your stocks, for some reason! Japan is shrinking! The good grocery store went out of business! Where will we buy our 'Recession soup?'

Cut the cutesy bullshit and get straight to the point: use a condom and save zillions of dollars buying crap for a kid. OR, be celibate!

The Way We Live Now: Fleeing the police, on foot. Who can afford cars? Let them all go bankrupt. All we need for our ATM robberies are a crowbar and a laid-off blesbok, for distraction.

The Way We Live Now: Very, very still. Americans have stopped moving. Colleges are liquidating everything except their students. Ebay is the new luxury!

The Way We Live Now: In rubble, soaked in our own urine. Americans are giving up on baseball. Iraqis are giving up on jobs. And entire cities are giving up on existence and bulldozing themselves.

Reporting from the almshouse: Did you for one moment believe that we had hit bottom? Fool! Poor, poor fool. The rally is over. New York is unaffordable. And everywhere else is patrolled by mercenaries.

If there's one thing that formaldehyde-preserved Post columnist Cindy Adams hates more than things that could not happen "only in New York," it's Poindexter politicos using big words. Like today: "Regulation"?!?! Okay, mumbledy-dumbledy!

The New York Times Co. released its financial results for the first quarter this morning, which are just as bad as expected. Or, more accurately: even worse than expected.

The father of nine-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali has been arrested for allegedly trying to sell her to an undercover reporter—but he says he's innocent, and it's all a setup. What's going on?

Today in poorhouse news: The big banks were restored to profitability last week, and now the M&A market is booming again! The profits will "trickle down" to the homeless squatters outside the bankers' Hamptons estates.

I mean can you believe the nerve of this fuckin' guy, coming on CNBC and saying amateurs should follow a proven successful passive investment strategy and shouldn't try to time the market according to the rantings of a man whose stock picks have a losing record? The nerve of this fuckin' guy. Shove your "index funds" up your tight ass!

Break out the bubbly and bring back the bottle service, because the huge banks that nearly collapsed on themselves in a terrifying Domino Effect of Financial Doom are back in the black, baby!

Did you, who lived through the 80s, ever think you'd live to see the day when you couldn't make money with a mall in America, or with a pub in England? That day has come!

The economy of Britain—fancy Britain!—is doing so poorly that the government might have to ask for help from the International Monetary Fund. Shit. The smart countries have already regressed to agrarianism.

Goldman Sachs is totally making money again, which means this: there's money to be made. Unless you work somewhere else in the economy, besides Goldman Sachs. Then, the news is not so good.

Heather Eisenlord's law firm is paying her $80,000 to take the year off, travel around the world doing whatever, and wait for the economy to rebound. Fine, but who will save the chicken farmers?

Having no money: it may cause stress! Insightful insights like this from scientific experts are just one of the recession's silver linings. (Linings now made of lower-cost aluminum).

A crippling recession that's forced thousands of people into tent cities, eating dog food, is no reason to penalize our nation's dogs. So brave Americans are buying more gratuitous dog things than ever!

All the world's "money" is now merely decorative, its value determined totally by bulk weight, like hay. And since currency is now cheaper than ink, it's a perfect advertising medium!

In the vulva corner: Gloomy, sky-is-falling, party boy economist Nouriel "Dr. Doom" Roubini. In the bug-eyed corner: Jim Cramer, hollering CNBC stock shill. They're fighting, and we all win!