money-matters

Pig Soup For The Soul

Hamilton Nolan · 04/27/09 11:41AM

The Way We Live Now: Panicky! Swine flu is happening so sell your stocks, for some reason! Japan is shrinking! The good grocery store went out of business! Where will we buy our 'Recession soup?'

Destitute Antelopes Looking for Crime Partners

Hamilton Nolan · 04/24/09 11:40AM

The Way We Live Now: Fleeing the police, on foot. Who can afford cars? Let them all go bankrupt. All we need for our ATM robberies are a crowbar and a laid-off blesbok, for distraction.

America Makes Do

Hamilton Nolan · 04/23/09 11:40AM

The Way We Live Now: Very, very still. Americans have stopped moving. Colleges are liquidating everything except their students. Ebay is the new luxury!

Things To Give Up On

Hamilton Nolan · 04/22/09 12:10PM

The Way We Live Now: In rubble, soaked in our own urine. Americans are giving up on baseball. Iraqis are giving up on jobs. And entire cities are giving up on existence and bulldozing themselves.

Jim Cramer Friday Freakout!

Hamilton Nolan · 04/17/09 03:53PM

I mean can you believe the nerve of this fuckin' guy, coming on CNBC and saying amateurs should follow a proven successful passive investment strategy and shouldn't try to time the market according to the rantings of a man whose stock picks have a losing record? The nerve of this fuckin' guy. Shove your "index funds" up your tight ass!

Big Banks Are Back!

Hamilton Nolan · 04/17/09 11:37AM

Break out the bubbly and bring back the bottle service, because the huge banks that nearly collapsed on themselves in a terrifying Domino Effect of Financial Doom are back in the black, baby!

The Mall is Dead

Hamilton Nolan · 04/16/09 10:40AM

Did you, who lived through the 80s, ever think you'd live to see the day when you couldn't make money with a mall in America, or with a pub in England? That day has come!

God Save Us From Japan's Farmer Shock Troops

Hamilton Nolan · 04/15/09 11:36AM

The economy of Britain—fancy Britain!—is doing so poorly that the government might have to ask for help from the International Monetary Fund. Shit. The smart countries have already regressed to agrarianism.

All Disposable Income Now Spent on Dog Crap

Hamilton Nolan · 04/09/09 11:32AM

A crippling recession that's forced thousands of people into tent cities, eating dog food, is no reason to penalize our nation's dogs. So brave Americans are buying more gratuitous dog things than ever!

Worthless Money Now Equivalent to Construction Paper

Hamilton Nolan · 04/08/09 02:21PM

All the world's "money" is now merely decorative, its value determined totally by bulk weight, like hay. And since currency is now cheaper than ink, it's a perfect advertising medium!