money-matters

Nowhere is Safe From Recession Scaremongering

Hamilton Nolan · 05/18/09 12:34PM

The Way We Live Now: Besieged. New York City is crumbling into bloody class wars in the street, if selective anecdotes are any indication. Crime will follow you to your hotel! And, locusts! One day:

Well Cover Me in Tiger Skin and Call Me Richie Rich

Hamilton Nolan · 05/15/09 10:28AM

The Way We Live Now: Sick of it all. You work and work to stay positive and then one day you come across some superrich asshole whose yacht's decorated in endangered animal skins. Screw it.

No Food, But Cheap Botox

Hamilton Nolan · 05/13/09 12:12PM

The Way We Live Now: Bobbing helplessly in the Dow Jones waves. The bottom has not yet arrived, friends. Optimism kills. You'll be running to George Soros for Botox money like the other old poors!

Gotti Family Forsakes Mansion in Favor of Cows

Hamilton Nolan · 05/12/09 11:25AM

The Way We Live Now: Illiquidly. Forget "banks" or "cash." The government has nothing. It's everyone for themselves now. Even the Gotti family is dumping its worldly goods and stockpiling sweet, sweet cows.

Cocaine Going to Hell Like Everything Else

Hamilton Nolan · 05/12/09 09:03AM

The recession wants you to stop doing coke, Sniffy Smith. In Europe, at least, coke prices are up, purity is down, and you've spent half your paycheck on a bag that's 91% "pet worming powder."

Wild Orangutans Eat Your Stock Rally

Hamilton Nolan · 05/11/09 11:34AM

The Way We Live Now: Schizophrenically. By Friday everybody was like "Stocks have recovered!" and this morning everyone panicked and sold everything, predictably. Monkeys are rampaging through this weak economy!

Pour Faster!

Hamilton Nolan · 05/07/09 11:56AM

The Way We Live Now: At the bottom of a bucket metaphor. GM is burning up the money we all gave it as fast as humanly possible. Bread lines are lengthening. But something's still selling:

There Are So Many Jobs!

Hamilton Nolan · 05/06/09 10:55AM

The Way We Live Now: In a horn of plenty. Jobs are easy. They're hiring everywhere! Did you know that? No? Well it's true, the numbers prove it! Get off your ass and work:

New York Will Now Send You Back Home

Hamilton Nolan · 05/05/09 11:43AM

The Way We Live Now: Like Poors. Have you enjoyed being a member of the Middle Class—nay, Upper Middle Class? We sincerely hope so, because you are now evicted. Time to move to Florida.

Down to Our Last Nickel

Hamilton Nolan · 05/01/09 11:45AM

The Way We Live Now: Miserly. Every penny's important. Any scam's a good scam. Jump the turnstiles! Carry a plastic bag wherever you go, collecting scraps! We're on our own now.

Ketchup Sandwiches For Everyone

Hamilton Nolan · 04/29/09 12:00PM

The Way We Live Now: Involuntarily dieting. Cafeteria trays are a forgotten luxury. Sandwich boards are the new sandwiches. Stare in the windows of the many new luxury restaurants!

American Autos are King Again!

Hamilton Nolan · 04/28/09 11:32AM

The Way We Live Now: Rollin on Dubs. You can't keep the US auto industry down! Unless "you" are a superior foreign competitor. But if "you" are bankruptcy, forget it. USA car companies are back!