The Way We Live Now: Stereotypically. Cops are stealing donuts. Other things are happening too, but cops are stealing donuts. Come on, guys.

Ah, the September Issues—when fashion magazines sell more ads than any other month, and staffers gorge themselves on parsley, in celebration. How are the September ad sales looking this year? Not too fab. Especially for Vogue.

The Way We Live Now: Muhfuckas are robbing us! Male models are robbing people. Someone's robbing Orlando Bloom. Politicians are robbing us all. Looking good in hard times is a tough row to hoe.

Countess divorceé Marie Douglas-David's long ordeal is mercifully drawing to a close. The lovelorn Swede has nearly reached a settlement with her CEO ex-husband, George Davis, the world's biggest pussy. Marie shall be rewarded the bare minimum necessary to survive.

This week started with Goldman Sachs making billions in profits, and starting the Wall Street Pay Machine back up. Now, JPMorgan Chase has also posted a spectacular second quarter profit. Well. What could go wrong?

The Way We Live Now: In Manhattan! You can rent office space there now, cheap! Well, not you. "You" are a part-time chicken farmer and failed celebrity chef. But, you know, other people can rent in Manhattan!

Thoth was allegedly "shut down by the city" because he couldn't go along and get along in their world. Their world is shaped like a box, and they want all the little people to fit into the box all nice and tidy. But Thoth's world was shaped like a loincloth, and he chose to whirl his world around, scandalously, while dressed like an extra from Last of the Mohicans who sings like an extra from Amadeus. And that wasn't something The Man could fit into their tidy little box. The New York Post explains how it all went down:

The Way We Live Now: Relatively better if we are not black, or trying to get divorced. Yes, this recession has exposed some ugly inequalities in our society. But Goldman Sachs is doing great! That's something we can all celebrate.

Anybody want to buy an 80 year-old business magazine? Now's your chance.

The Way We Live Now: Broke as a joke from coast to coast. They're selling heroin in Maine. They've sent everyone on furlough in California. And in the Midwest, you can't even leave salt outside without enterprising Americans swiping it.

At long last, the New York Times may have figured out how to make money off its website: by charging for it.

The Way We Live Now: Like whores. Common sea lion whores.

The fakest job corporate America ever created was "Branding Consultant"—until now. Meet Anne Loehr, a "business coach" who will (for a small fee) explain the mysteries of "Generation Y" to a corporate audience. She knows your soul, kids.

The Way We Live Now: Sucked of our nectar. How far does this hellacious recession reach? All the way into Nantucket, hallowed home of corporate titans. Jack Welch now supports himself by re-selling home run balls he caught, fact.

The Way We Live Now: Under the thumb of the papacy. The Pope is calling for some super-Illuminati to rule the world economy. No need, dude; we had one already, called Ikea. And it's laying people off.

A popularity contest that pits snobby Saks Fifth Avenue against a lady who gave away free money? It's no contest! Saks is mad because this lady—who worked there—gave away $1.4 million of their money. Counterpoint: people like money!

The bankrupt Tribune Co. has finally reached a deal to sell the Chicago Cubs, reportedly for close to $900 million. Only, ah, $11 billion more until Sam Zell has that debt knocked out! [Pic: AP]

The Way We Live Now: Emasculated. Figuratively, as The Man gives us a few extra pennies in Welfare even as cops yank our falafel-cart permit; and literally, because the fashion industry must sell skinny jeans until all balls are crushed.

The Way We Live Now: Playin' hooky. Schoooooool's outttt forrrrrrrr summer! Yea! School's out forever! Really. They can't afford summer school any more. Too bad that happened right when unemployment hit double digits. No job. No school. Nada.

The Way We Live Now: Stripped up, ripped up, shacked up and backed up. From the chicken plant recession war to the Amish RV salesman slinging jelly to the empty rows of McMansions—getting paper is a life-threatening hobby.