Just yesterday, we thought we were on the verge of an astonishing turnaround in the publicity profession, as we exuberantly hoped that a Risorgimento Pubblicità was dawning. Alas, we spoke too soon, as a pair of publicists are forced to issue unarftul denials to Page Six involving the whereabouts of Johnny Knoxville's penis:
Oh Sweet Jesus, it's true — Lindsay Lohan has dyed her hair blonde! Quick, grab the kids and take them into the fallout shelter!
It seemed inevitable that Lindsay Lohan, ever on the vanguard of acting out behavior —the Fez-dating, the underage romps through New Orleans bars, the missed days of work due to "mystery flu"—would be an early adopter of the hottest new Hollywood trend in attention-getting: cutting. By the end of the week, everyone will be sporting band-aids. Hilary Duff's probably already at the Rite-Aid, picking up a jumbo box.
· Today in Lohan: Is precious little Lindsay hooking up with Christian Slater, who happens to be almost twice her age? After the Bruce Willis rumors, can this get any more fucked up? [Lowdown]
· It may not be their own Newlyweds, but Britney and Kevin will have their own 6-part reality series on UPN. To document their love, yo. [MTV]
· Paris Hilton's cinematic masterpiece, One Night In Paris, may not yet be a classic, but it's still worth copying illegally and selling in the subways. [Page Six]
· Either Prince Rainier will wait until after the Monaco Grand Prix to die, or he's already dead. Shrug. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jeb Bush appreciates Scientology, and not just for its gay-suffocating qualities! [Scoop]
· Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. [Page Six]
· "Glickman, a former congressman who took the job after Jack Valenti retired last year, calls piracy 'a potential dagger poised at the heart of the motion picture industry.'" It's so nice that some of Valenti's poetic soul is finally rubbing off on the Glickster.
· PoweR girl Lizzie Grubman gets busted planting a gossip item on Lindsay Lohan. Guess she's still getting the hang of being on camera all of the time. Good thing she didn't have a show when she was learning how drive her SUV in the Hamptons, eh? [second item]
· Michael Jackson's learning, albeit slowly. Sure, he showed up to court late and in tears from his "back pain," but at least his handlers got him out of his jammies this time.
· The Genies (the Canadian Oscars) are being held tonight, and forgive us for sounding like an ugly American for saying so, but doesn't the Genie statue look like something that Oscar would fuck in in the bathroom of the Abbey and never call again for being too clingy? We're just sayin'.
From left to right, a tragedy in three parts. Click each to enlarge.
After finding out that Page Six has retracted its story about her alleged mixed-age grope-fest with actor/father-figure Bruce Willis, Lindsay Lohan tore at her clothes, yanked her own hair, and dove into a mud puddle to cleanse herself of the non-memories of the brief, ill-fated liason that never was.
You may think Lindsay Lohan is merely a set of breasts with a pre-fabbed album and a tabloid lifestyle, but we'd like to remind you cynics that first and foremost, Lindsay is a thespian. Behind those breasts is an actress — a very fine actress! — and now Manhattanites have a chance to witness Lohan practicing her craft. Her latest film, Just My Luck, is invading the West Village this week, and production locations include:
Lindsay Lohan is now taking her daddy issues public. From Page Six:
· Our wee sense of decency wants to ignore this, but our sense of duty compells us to trumpet otherwise: BRUCE WILLIS AND LINDSAY LOHAN GROPE EACH OTHER! In case you were wondering, Willis is just shy of 50 and Lohan is 18, which means he's technically old enough to be her father. Twice. [Page Six]
· Is Britney Spears getting jealous of her husband, Kevin Federline? Now that K-Fed has graced the cover of details and we've come out of our lustful closets, sources say Britney is getting a bit insecure and protective of her man. [Lowdown]
· Brad Pitt's publicist bitch-slaps Star for outright lying. The mag was going to run a piece claiming that during re-shoots for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Brad and Angelina Jolie were laughing about his recent separation from Jennifer Aniston. Too bad those re-shoots haven't even happened yet. Also? This movie is going to make sooo much money. [Page Six]
· Marlon Brando: dead, but a child molester? [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jane Fonda, asserting that she truly is old, goes for hip-replacement surgery. [Scoop (2nd item)]
Ladies, please. There's more than enough skeezy, B-level star to go 'round.
We're sure that the juxtaposition of headlines on Lindsay Lohan's W mag cover was just a coincidence. Also, we're intrigued by this talk of "the new breast implants." Are these the kind that seem to grow and shrink from month to month, and impel a starlet constantly to deny their existence to the press? We'd love to have a pair of those, although we'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe to accomodate them.
You'd think that after the photos of her bluntastic Thanksgiving celebration were scattered all over the internets, Lindsay Lohan might learn to avoid people who have websites. This Marquis Deja Du Livejournal entry claims that Lohan and her co-stars from Just My Luck crashed a party down in New Orleans, and everyone's favorite Barbie doll was allegedly caught engaging in some good, clean bathroom sex:
· The Saga of the Family Lohan continues: mummy Dina tried to get a gag order on pappy Michael before he hit Primetime Live. [Page Six]
· More than a week after the story broke, Page Six finally picks up on Jenna Elfman's crazy love of Scientology. [Page Six]
· Jamie Foxx confesses that he's had his heart broken twice before, which should make that Oscar victory speech all the more "heartfelt" and "tearful." [R&M]
· If it's true that Nadine Johnson is paying for a therapist to help her employees, we kind of think that's awesome. We've spent months campaigning our Hungarian slave master to cover our shrink bills. [Lowdown]
· Finding a love interest for Will Smith in Hitch wasn't easy: Go black, and the Euro's won't buy tickets; go white, and red staters would burn down the multiplex or propose some kind of constitutional amendment. Apparently, Eva Mendes was exactly the right shade, since the constitution seems to be relatively intact.
· Note to Michael Lohan: Comparing yourself to OJ Simpson might help you sell your reality show to Fox (threatening murder really is the final frontier), but it probably won't help in court.
· Demi Moore as Summer's stepmom on The OC? TVGasm makes good use of IMDb.
· "Ultra-Orthodox Jews" aren't thrilled by Natalie Portman's movie makeout session. Join the club. We weren't thrilled that they edited all of her nude scenes out of Closer.
Well, as any child of divorce knows, daddy promises a lot of things he nerver delivers on.
With Paris Hilton's phonebook cracked open and sprinkled all over the internet like blow on a compact mirror, Hollywood will be feeling the shockwaves for days. We imagine that nearly everyone in the book has already had their number changed, and some of those abandoned numbers might have already been claimed by "fans." For example, this is what you'll hear if you call the number listed for Lindsay Lohan (we're not reprinting it, so don't ask): "[burp] I'm a whore...[burp]...I'm a whooooore...[burp]...I'm a fucking whore." Subtle! The pranksters at least could've forwarded the number to the NY Underage Drinking Hotline*. Maybe next time...
