Only Defamer's forensic photo lab can provide the kind of cutting-edge, highly-technologizified analysis that we've applied to a digital photograph of Lindsay Lohan's unexpected tête-à-tête with an overzealous paparazzo last night. Lohan remained safely inside her vehicle, while the poor car experienced the kind of damage the starlet usually inflicts on any bitch crazy enough to ask why she's cutting the bathroom line at Spider Club.

Last night, Lindsay "The Incredible Shrinking Starlet" Lohan was involved in an accident that didn't involve a Spider Club patron spilling a vodkatini on her shoes and being grievously lacerated in retaliation by one of the actress's jutting ribs, when an overeager paparazzo smashed his vehicle into the Lohanmobile by the Beverly Center. The AP has a blurb about the tragedy this morning, but a Defamer operative checked in with a report moments after the incident unfolded last night (what, you thought we were going to blog after quittin' time without a fatality?):

I'm not sure why, particularly at this godforsaken morning hour, I feel compelled to tell you this — but I am certain that at least four of you care, and so I will dutifully report:

The Truth in Cosmetic Surgery Blog, run by a Real Plastic Surgeon, may help put an end to one of the internet's favorite party games: speculating about the vacillations in Lindsay Lohan's bra size:

Lindsay Lohan's father was sentenced to prison today in New York, receiving 1 1/3 to 4 years for a medley of crimes, including the highly entertaining (though, sadly, highly illegal) footwear-based assault of his brother-in-law. Lohan's publicist is secretly thrilled, knowing that she can now abandon her usual arsenal of fake illness-based excuses for the actress's antics in favor of ones rooted in the stresses of having her father in jail.

Via Newsday
Well, it's about damn time. Now Long Island's citizens can go about their lives in peace, without worrying about whether or not they'll be drunkenly attacked with a shoe.

We don't have the heart to do another side-by-side, but you all probably remember what she looked like in a bikini before she shed all of that troublesome "baby fat." Whoever does her next movie's going to need to digitally restore her rack to avoid scaring the children.

We don't know if it's because he's been eating crayons or just the usual Elmer's products, but our spray-tanned brother to the West has spent the better part of his morning analyzing the images at right in hopes of proving US Weekly's claim that Disney spent a gazillion dollars on digitally reducing Lindsay Lohan's R-rated breast size in the much-anticipated, family-friendly Herbie: Fully Loaded. He's thinking that, given the images at right, the case for digital alteration could be made. We're thinking that, given that we're even writing about this right now, we need to lie down for a moment. If we're lucky, we'll fall asleep and never wake up.

When we first read in today's Rush & Molloy column that US Weekly reports in its new issue that Disney's paid a million bucks to make Lindsay Lohan's then-jiggletastic rack more family-friendly in Herbie: Fully Loaded through the magic of digital alteration, we thought that maybe someone had taken our Herbie previewer's joke about the necessity of downsizing and ran with it. But after comparing (click the above picture to see two side-by-side treatments) some stills of old shots from the Herbie set left laying around the internets and the new, official ones on Disney's movie site, the case can be made that the starlet has been digitally debazoomed. Were our spy's feelings on Lohan's chest indicative of other test screenings, prompting Disney to childproof her rack? We don't have time to find out, we're on our way to Church to see if our priest has any insight about where our life went so horribly awry.

· Andy Towle of Towleroad continues his heroic work of chronicling the evolution of The Greatest Gay Cowboy Story Ever Told, Brokeback Mountain.
· Paris Hilton wins again.
· And we always thought that Gawker was written by a robot. Who knew? Actually, until we see her bleed, we're still not going to be convinced.
· "I'm happy with my life, and I love food." Thus spake Lindsay Lohan, whom we all should stop worrying about now.

Yes, NBC, we miss the old version of Lindsay Lohan, too, but putting last year's picture on your website to promote this weekend's SNL finale isn't going to magically restore that lustrous, auburn hair, those thirty pounds, or the much-lamented cup sizes that seem to have disappeared into, ahem, thin air. You know that you signed up for Lohan 2.0, so don't get all cute on us now. There's still time to make it up to us, though. If you strap some falsies on Horatio Sanz and have him threaten to crush the Ghost of Lohan Present between his prodigious hooters during the monologue, all will be forgiven in the ensuing hilarity.

Little Miss Lohan, surely on break from rehearsals for this weekend's spectacular episode of Saturday Night Live, loves to stare forlornly at the food in Dean & DeLuca. But can the coffee shop be trusted to protect Lindsay while she remembers the good ol' days, when coffee was more than just a trusted diuretic? NewYorkology says yes:

· Comedian Andy Dick, who's more famous for barfing about town, reportedly got greedy with the upfront swag at the Lucky/Cargo free-for-all. Lindsay Lohan, however, behaved herself, probably because they weren't offering what she "needed." [Lowdown]
· The latest Apprentice "winner," Kelly Perdew, causes a Lara Flynn Boyle-worthy scene on a recent flight, where he reportedly threw a drunken fit. When he asked, "Do you know who I am?" his fellow passengers shook their heads in confusion and went back to sleep. [Page Six]
· Tina Brown throws a party for Candace Bushnell's latest book Lipstick Jungle, where guests all drew their evil power from freebie bottles of Creme de la Mer. [R&M (3rd item)]
· Can money repair the tattered friendship of Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton? Not even $100k per episode raise is enough to make Paris that good of an actress. [Scoop (last item)]

The Dude. Man. Phat. blog hears Lindsay Lohan possibly breaking some career news on local LA radio station KIIS FM:

The Lindsay Lohan Damage Control Party Machine lurched to life in the pages of the LAT this weekend, in the form of a long profile that desperately tries to counteract the bad publicity that doggedly follows the one-woman "pop culture brand" like a dirty old man clutching a bottle of Cristal and an eightball. Lohan seems very well-coached by her publicists, as she nails all the "I swear I'm not so out of control that you shouldn't trust your $50 million movie to me" talking points: I want to do more adult roles...I've cut down on the partying...I'm a professional...if I look tired all the time, it's because I work TOO hard...I'm just a regular girl!:

The AP reports that Lindsay Lohan is going to host SNL's season finale, her second turn fronting the show. Something tells us that this time around there aren't going to be so many self-conscious jokes about her sudden "blossoming." And we really doubt that she's going to reprise her famous Harry Potter sketch with a follow-up about how Hermione lost her baby fat after a summer "relaxing" at Cedars Sinai.

We think that we've finally figured out what caused the tragic rift between Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Richie felt that she and the naturally skinny Paris were drifting apart; she needs a friend who can better relate to the experience of having one's internal organs devour themselves in a desperate search for nutrition. Lindsay just gets her, ya know?

Picking up where she left off on the sets of Herbie: Fully Loaded and Just My Luck, Lindsay Lohan is once again demonstrating her professionalism and dedication to craft. This time, she's winning friends and influencing people on a video shoot for the Herbie soundtrack. A spy from the set reports:

· Is the website VoteForTheWorst.com responsible for the confounding, continuing success of Scott "The Big, Scary, Out of Tune Baby" Savol on American Idol? Who knows? We still like our pet theory: Most people who bother to vote on AI have incredibly shitty taste.
· Also, did you get a debilitating case of the retarded tingles when Paula Abdul nearly broke down when Constantine got sent home last night, just like we did? Someone really needs to get that woman some horse tranquilizers or she might not make it to the end.
· Sounds like a great idea, but we're probably going to end up skipping it.
· This Sploid shift memo is going to get someone on MSNBC fired, sued, killed, or disappeared, once Tom Cruise finds out about it.
· A dangerous combination of weight loss and lip-collagen injections has made Lindsay Lohan very, very paranoid.

In a bout of the kind of movie star largesse that so frequently goes overlooked in the gossip-obsessed press, generous starlet Lindsay Lohan gifted trucker hats bearing the message "Love, Lindsay" to the crew of Just My Luck. Apparently, Lohan chose to commemorate her turbulent time shooting the movie in such quaint fashion because a more accurate remembrance of their time together, which would likely involve kicking a grip in the balls and vomiting a Hurricane onto the first assistant director's shoes, would violate a host of union rules. Thanks to the efforts of a scrappy internet entrepreneur, you can now own a replica of Lohan's token show of gratitude (estimated JML paycheck: $7.5 million), and pretend you were a part of the troubled production; don your trucker hat and play the deliciously simple Just My Luck Home Game, in which you simply stand around waiting to see if the actress is going to show up at your "set" or take another "exhaustion" day.