Okay, so this whole "Lindsay Lohan runs people down on the streets of New York outside Club Butter" thing? Now we've seen the video—and we've never, ever seen anyone do a worse job of pretending to be run down. This guy is so totally going to call Lionel Hutz for representation! And we're totally pro-paparazzi, God knows, but this whole car chase thing is ridiculously lame, and probably illegal. If they make La Lohan into Lady Di, we're gonna be pissed off. And for seconders? This is New York City, people. Can't you save this shit for Malibu?

• Lindsay Lohan backed her car into a paparazzo outside the Hotel Gansevoort, either accidentally or, you know, not. He's in the hospital. [NYP]
  

• Lindsay Lohan and Jude Law may be pooling STDs, or "adoring each others' company." [Page Six]
  

To: BSpe@crazytown.com

Subject: Everybody Hurts-Michael Stipe once said.

What Is Up With' is a feature that asks the question posed by lazy stand up comedians everywhere about random New York phenomena. Enjoy.

Updates about Britney Spears' reported enrollment in the 24-hour Rapid Dry™ program at Eric Clapton's Crossroads Centre in Antigua have been slow to develop, but Access Hollywood seems to have landed the first official publicist denial about the story:

The sleepy little central coast city of San Luis Obispo is so atwitter about playing host to rehab outpatient and sometime actress Lindsay Lohan while her much-inconvenienced current film, I Know Who Killed Me, visits for a location shoot that the local Tribune's website is running a poll to determine if a Lohanesque individual spotted by one of their photographers (pictured) is the genuine, troubled article, perhaps in an attempt to ascertain whether or not they need to alert local watering holes about the possible underage-drinking recidivist in their midst. An operative with knowledge of the IKWKM shoot informs us that the photo's subject is Lohan's stand-in (confirming the evaluations of the overwhelming majority of photo-scrutinizing voters), and that people on the production are cautiously optimistic that they might actually get some footage of their star in the can due to the location's refreshing shortage of celebutard-studded clubs.

• Lindsay Lohan decides not to "push herself" by, you know, actually acting in a movie. [TMZ]
  

· Without the supermarket checkout line, Michael Lohan might have no way to get in touch with his troubled daughter. Then again, he could always trying texting her.
· Looking to scare the shit out of your own city with a flashing Mooninite not-bomb? eBay will hook you up.
· Ellen Pompeo only plays (OK, played) an anorexic on TV.
· Finally, a place to put your terrifying ability to identify random celebrity body parts to productive use.
· All your favorite famous person BJ moments, collected in one handy place. [NSFW]

According to embattled publicist-to-the-troubled-stars Leslie "My Client Went to Rehab And All I Got Was An Even Bigger Fucking Headache" Sloane Zelnick, the searching and fearless moral inventory that slowly sobering-up outpatient Lindsay Lohan is compiling in between runs to the Coffee Bean requires that the actress become even more proactive about her personal health, leading her to back out of her next movie project, A Woman of No Importance. Reports People:

• Wonder if Anna Wintour will use her clout for the forthcoming Jessica Joffe for Target line. [Fashionista]
  

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in obsessively. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and impress everyone by breaking Fabio down to his fashion-nightmare fundamentals.

This morning, rehabilitation program quality-control watchdog organization TMZ.com reveals the results of their exclusive exit poll of an outgoing Wonderland Center resident, who claimed that the facility has devolved into a state of Lohan-induced anarchy since admitting its most famous drop-in client:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in during lunch, cigarette, coffee, and bathroom breaks. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the night you mancrushed on Arrested Development's adorable Michael Cera so hard, you very nearly lost it:

Upset that signature, troubled client Lindsay Lohan didn't opt for an inpatient rehabilitation program that might have afforded her a 28 day hiatus from having to explain every last one of the actress's media-attracting activities, embattled flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick is lashing out at reports that Lohan's frequent public appearances since enrolling in the Wonderland Center's casual, career-friendly "Drop By In Between Takes If That Works For You, OK?" recovery plan indicate that the actress is getting special treatment from the facility:

It feels like months since we've had any reports on Lindsay Lohan's progress in rehab or seen any paparazzi videos aimed at taking the anonymous out of AA, so decelerated has the once-constant Lohan news cycle become since the chronically exhausted quick-healer checked into the Wonderland Center. Finally, People offers a small update on her status which might temporarily quell the delirium tremens of sudden Lohan deprivation:

· This is what it looks like when Kiefer Sutherland watches Valencia get nuked.
· Unsurprisingly, the paparazzi aren't respecting Lindsay Lohan's privacy during her stint in rehab.
· Ken Levine, one of the "unemployed" writers Aaron Sorkin pilloried following that now-infamous LAT piece, offers what he really thinks of Sorkin.
· These Worth1000 Photoshop contest images of a variety of male stars remade into women are the stuff of nightmares. Bad, bed-wetting ones.

· The cover of the new Los Angeles is really doing nothing but super-sizing our filthy Helen Mirren fry-dropping fantasies.

· "Lindsay Goes to Rehab" is already the prohibitive favorite to take home Defamer's Song of the Year prize.

· Fun quiz time: What clothing company sponsored this blog post on what Lohan was wearing right before she checked into rehab?

· Finally, an explanation on why Paris Hilton's eye does that thing. Not the totally vacant stare thing, the drooping thing.

· In last night's liveblog, the Horny Manatee is confronted with a fetish she can't satisfy.

• Britney Spears might have a thing for Jews. [Radar]
  

With its highly publicized "get" of high-profile starlet-in-distress Lindsay Lohan, the Wonderland Center automatically becomes the hottest rehabilitation center in Los Angeles, and surely will prove the destination of choice for other Hyde regulars looking to make proactive decisions about their health. But what made Lohan choose Wonderland over the many fine sobering-up options that living in one of the most drug-addled cities on the planet affords her? The facility recognizes that those who toil in the entertainment industry are far too busy to throw away 28 potential shooting days on recovery, and has tailored its outpatient offerings to reflect this fact of Hollywood life. Radar points us to the passage on the Wonderland website describing their industry-friendly services: