Good news: Coffee's not bad for you! Bad news: Unless you smoke when you drink it. But, good news: if you're an alcoholic you must drink coffee!

Oh, delicious, bacony irony: The news media have created such a panicked frenzy over swine flu that some people are now considering deliberate infection, so as to avoid DEADLY accidental infection.

The swine-flu pandemic scare is fading fast. What other old disease will we be terrified of next? How about the one where raccoon larvae can make you blind?

After more than a week of SWINE FLU PANIC, the very media outlets that help fuel the PANIC are starting to agree with our original assessment: this whole thing is kind of a farce.

United Flight 903 tragically had to land in Boston instead of DC because a passenger had the fucking sniffles. How will our coloring book authors cover this disaster? Do you remember where you were? [AP]

Remember how after 9/11, every backwater public library in Iowa and auditorium in Missouri spent millions terrorist-proofing themselves, JUST TO BE READY? Swine flu panic is the new that.

Swine flu has claimed its first life in America, a young child. Mexico has identified the first infected person there, a young child. For the billion healthy kids in the Western hemisphere: you're grounded.

Citizens: do not be alarmed that hundreds of your children are now being mangled by Killer Swine Flu Virus. The government will not stop until it has wasted billions on fighting this mild illness!

Here we are two days into the Swine Flu Panic of '09, and dead bodies have yet to be stacked up like cordwood on the streets of American cities. Face it: this story is dumb.

Washing your hands hundreds of time: will it save you? From swine flu, maybe. But not from the pig disease death meme that has claimed the minds of many of our nation's television news stars!

Basic message: Anything sign of happiness in your attitude will cause you to die, followed by your loved ones.
But hey, I like the pep!

Quickly, don your paper masks! Stay indoors! The dirty Mexican pig influenza is here, to sicken you! Wocka wocka. Did you know that America had another swine flu panic, in 1976? Let's reminisce, and laugh:

The Tonight Show is a no-show tonight. Host Jay Leno has checked himself into the hospital, and NBC is airing a rerun instead of the planned lineup featuring actor Ryan Reynolds.

A former advertising director at Body + Soul is accusing parent company Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia of firing her because she broke her spine and went on temporary disability. That's cold, even for Martha.

God. If an ad for hemorrhoid cream is posted on the internet by bloggers, you know it's something you're better off not looking at.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is the ultimate telecommuter, working from home on a new, lightweight "netbook" while he's ostensibly on medical leave from Apple. Investors are calming down. So what are employees worried about?

Botox is now "medicine's answer to duct tape," used for everything from "buttock deformity" to headaches. Guess which end of the body our eyes darted to on the awesome New York Times infographic.

Tetrahydrocannabinol has been demonstrated to induce human glioma cell death through stimulation of autophagy! That means that weed totally cures cancer. Dude.

Edwina Pearce, a spokeswoman for the Cancer Council Victoria, which produced the ad in Australia, said the boy, whom she identified only as Alexander, shed real tears.

Because Congressional Republicans aren't recalcitrant enough already, the House Speaker took away smokers' precious havens inside the the U.S. Capitol complex, House side. Truly, all smokers are now instruments of satan, officially.