"I probably need to gain about 30 pounds," Steve Jobs told the New York Times after his return to public life yesterday. Might as well concede the obvious if investors are looking for unexpected physical weakness.

It was all a trick, by marketing people, to get you to buy body wash! The NYT digs deep into the dirty scam—it turns out that instead of being an honest appraisal of body wash's ability to engorge the loins of females, all those sexxxy Axe ads may have been tainted by hyperbole. Furthermore, girls were using body wash before boys, and now boys are using it which makes them totally gay, differently-designed packaging be damned! Like Big Tobacco, Big Body Wash gets you while you're young:

BBC News reports today on AIDS charities coming out in full force against the AIDS-As-Hitler ad being put forth by German awareness group Regenbogen e.V. now that condemnation is coming in internationally. What's with all the insensitive FAIL-worthy advertisements?

The New York Times reports today on a food-industry backed labeling system called "Smart Choices," wherein, they slap a "Smart Choice" label on products of their choosing. Like food that's killing us slowly. This is why you're fat:

While America's medical debates rage on, many of its significant members, of all colors and sizes, limply, quietly weep to themselves: penises. But! This is one health care package making serious progress: flaccid penises demand innovation, as the Times discovered.

Financial con man Allen "Mini-Madoff" Stanford slit his own wrists to become "blood brothers" with an Antiguan banking regulator. Stanford's crooked chief financial officer is now doing farm work like some Peace Corps kid, for PR purposes. Everybody is bizarre!

Not to totally alarm you but drugs are now legal in Mexico, okay. Here's how much you can carry! For "personal use," Dr. Gonzo:

In Britain, the death panel NHS commonly makes you wait a year to see a shrink, so some people just chat with therapists over instant messenger. Go figure: It actually works. So what about Tumblr, and so forth?

As recently as late June, Steve Jobs was repeatedly spotted being chauffeured away from Apple's campus in a black car. Judging from this July 23 photo, the CEO has had enough of those vehicular ministrations.

Padma Lakshmi's fitness secret: Be a freakish genetic outlier.

One would think that hard times would drive people to replace their fancy gyms with heavy logs and Super Squats, but nay! New York's busy professionals can scarcely be bothered to consider a gymnasium that is not Cirque Du Soleil-ready.

That is not one of our "jokey"-style headlines! Rather it is a quite accurate summation of the true state of affairs in the world. Tanning beds will give you cancer for sure, scientists say. Adios, Jersey.

Actual chewing gum scientists have determined that chewing is good for you! But only the chewing of gum. Non-gum scientists have determined that people chewing too much bacon are breaking our health care system.

Common side effect of Beastie Boy MCA's salivary cancer: dry mouth. Solution: Brass monkey.

In today's Times Magazine, former restaurant critic Frank Bruni vomits up a lot verbiage to describe how he'd purge his meals Roman-style in an effort to eat more, at the age of 1! Whoa, this is one bloated cover story.

Ted Kennedy is going to die. Before that happens, the Senate would like to pass a health care reform bill, because that is what Kennedy would like his legacy to be. But the process is difficult without him.

Students who score higher on physical fitness tests also reliably score higher on math and reading tests, disproving the fat kid's standard "dumb jocks are dumb" defense. Fat kids can still claim to be better at art and cooking. [NYP]

Frolicking in beach sand will sicken you with fecal contamination. Just give up.

After torturing rhesus monkeys for decades with extremely low-calorie diets, scientists have finally proven that eating less can help primates (you) live longer. And the United States of America has proven that eating more kills you quick. Related: Donut Wars!!