Paul Allen has been diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It's more tough news for the Microsoft co-founder, who has overcome more than his share of health problems before.

Cancer: All your fault.

Fat: the silent menace of new moms and just plain fat people alike. Scientists now tell us that you must either have a small human suckle the fat off your body, or cut your own gut open, to slim down.

• Bread.

On last night's Daily Show, Jon Stewart performed a bravura 8-and-a-half minute monologue in the style of Glenn Beck on the subject of Glenn Beck's appendicitis.

Kindly Kellogg marketers have agreed to take the big huge banner that says "Helps your child's IMMUNITY" off boxes of Cocoa Krispies, but that doesn't mean that Cocoa Krispies is not basically superhealthy vitamins, for your family!

Troy Smith, founder of the Sonic Drive-in chain, died this week at the age of 87. He's at least the sixth fast food mogul to die of extraordinarily old age in the past two years. One cup of grease, please.

Sweeps week is coming up, so hey, a TV station in DC just had an idea: Breassstsss! Nekkid breasts on your television screen being beamed straight into your home, uncovered and uncensored! Because of news.

So now you know it's safe to do the same for your kids. Although there is no video footage of this suspicious event, so proceed at your own risk!

Campus shrinks say a record number of college students are seeking treatment for mental health issues and that their problems are more severe than ever. Are the kids alright?

Scientists have now produced overwhelming evidence that bans on smoking lead to a healthier, less dead population. What does this mean for you and your typically unhealthy creative underclass lifestyle? It means it's time to pay for your sins.

The only "news" topic Americans really care about any more is: Innovative ways to lose weight and become superhuman athletic "champions," in order to get sex. Alas, we only try to achieve this by scientifically repackaging snack foods. And perfume.

Lazard chairman and New York magazine owner Bruce Wasserstein was hospitalized this weekend with an irregular heartbeat. His company says "His condition is serious, but he is stable and recovering." Not buying Businessweek looks smarter now. [Know more? Email us.]

We as Americans are not in the shape we once (1942) were. Is it possible to "lose" the accumulated weight of decades of Cap'n Crunch, Nestle Quik, and Quarter Pounders? America's willing to give it a shot. With crazy schemes.

Combine two dashes of the Huffington Post's culty, medicine-fearing "Living" section and one dash of Fox News' craziest host, and you've got Love in the Time of Swine Flu. Not even Dr. Dean Ornish could stop these paranoid fellow-travelers.

Suck down the last sickly sweet puffs of your precious Warm Winter Toffee Camels, kids, because as of today, flavored cigarettes are illegal in America. Time to move up to the real stuff!

At the start of London's Fashion Week, British psychiatrists called for a government crackdown on pro-anorexia websites, up fivefold in over two years according to a study by an internet filtering company.

Have you heard? All the trouble the president's been having with his health care initiative is Twitter's fault. So says ad man James Othmer in a New York Times op-ed. Wait, wasn't Twitter saving Iranian democracy like 10 minutes ago?

Steve Jobs "appeared thin and spoke with a scratchy voice" on his return from medical leave, the Wall Street Journal reported Thursday. Apparently we had no idea!

The good news: one shot of tasty swine flu vaccine is all it will take to save you from the dreaded pig virus this year! The bad news: All the medicine is going to special interests.