It is the new year which means it's time for you to go on an unsuccessful diet, America! Let us survey the landscape of sure-to-fail fitness ideas rolling out (ha) soon. Select a few and promptly abandon them!

New York Times employees are being forced to forage for food outdoors today. The cafeteria is closed because—oh yes—the last 24 hours have brought gastrointestinal sickness to countless innocent NYT employees! Cuisine of DOOM? Scandalous internal memo below.

Good news, cigarette fans: A judge (in Kentucky, of course) ruled that tobacco companies can use a wide array of colors in their cigarette ads. Bad news: Also full-color will be the graphic, mandatory "You will die" warnings, complete with nasty photos. Good news: Phillip Morris is willing to work with the FDA to gently guide you, the cigarette fan, towards a healthier lifestyle replete with a variety of smokeless tobacco options. For your health.
Bad news: "A cigarette manufacturer is not a physician."
[Pic: Copyranter]

Infomercial experts have spent decades educating you, the consumer, on the benefits of "exercise." Now, scientists are jumping on the "exercise" bandwagon. Could "exercise" be good for you? What role does cereal play? And, will leaving your couch kill you?

We can't believe this commercial is real. Taco Bell is encouraging Americans to utilize their "fresco" line of tacos for those looking to lose weight as their New Year's resolution. But does this diet include cheesy fiesta potatoes? If only.

Half of men who get vasectomies never get a follow-up test done to make sure their vasectomies worked. Those men are more likely to be "not highly educated and the fathers of four or more children." [Businessweek. Pic: WTFDYHAK]

Is coffee healthy? For the first time, scientists can definitively say, "Kind of in certain ways but in other ways probably not and for the overall question we guess it depends."

If there's one thing America needs more of to solve its obesity crisis, it is flashing electronic doo-dads. And pricey customized gizmos. Combine these with exercise video games, and brother, you are the fitness person of the future!

Well well, if it isn't the Federal Trade Commission, deciding now—after all American children have already starred on 'The Biggest Loser'—that there should be some rules about marketing unhealthy foods to kids. What foods? You will be amazed!

Science: Private school makes you blind.

Oh shoot, unexpected setback: Steroids may not be 100% good, for your body. The outside of your body, yes, totally ripped bro. But inside, ripped in the bad sense, like "your kidney has a rip in it, bro, ugly."

You know what else is bullshit, besides juice cleanses? The idea that wearing some ugly Reeboks with a curvy sole will give you an Ass of Steel. Bullshit. Also, cookie diets? Bullshit.

Probable waste of money: Expensive multivitamins. Another probable waste of money: All multivitamins.

America just can't win. We stopped smoking—then we all got fat. So we lipo-sucked all the fat out and put it in our breasts, where it could do some good. Then we got sex-harassed at the gym!

Science: Bigger kids more likely to be big.

Have you ever gotten so mad at your god damn boss you just wanted to scream your guts out in his ugly face until one or the other of you threw up, from anger? Go for it, say scientists!

If the youth of America don't lose that weight, how will they fare in the deserts of Iraq, waging our 100 Year War of Imperial Conquest? Exactly. That's why schools across the country are literally forcing kids to shape up.

Most obese Americans, meaning most Americans, have given up hope of ever losing that weight unless they can land a spot as a contestant on NBC's Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Biggest Loser is made of 100% evil.

Since the last terrifying report 15 years ago, movie theater popcorn has not become healthy.

Former drug-and-sex addict and current writing-about-drug-and- (just!) sex-addiction addict Benoit Denizet-Lewis had the swine flu for eight days. Then he ate bad sushi and got sick. There's a fine how-do-you-do, eh? [BDL]