Like many celebrities, Tom Cruise tries to control journalists. He hates talking about his heavy involvement Scientology, for example. But who knew he'd try to force his interviewers to like Valkyrie?

Barack Obama paid a visit to the Washington Post newsroom yesterday, and our capital's toughest reporters collectively swore to never wash that hand again. Crush on Barry! Nothing wrong with that, says Howard Kurtz:

Everyone is out to spite everyone: Jay Leno ruined 90 minutes of Conan O'Brien's life; Lindsay Lohan is refusing to eat and John McCain isn't letting his wife go on that fun TV program.

Reporters from the New York Times and the Washington Post are the Bloods and Crips of journalism. Today, their conflict escalated into an archly-worded pool report:

Oprah Winfrey famously can't control her weight. She recently overate until she was 200 pounds. So why is her 17-year diet-and-exercise manager a bestselling author?

Two of the hottest 2008 presidential campaign scoops belonged to the Huffington Post's Off the Bus. Arianna Huffington let the citizen journalism project stagnate, then gave it to her godson.

Kurt Andersen is, at long last, giving up his column in New York, the magazine he edited 12 years ago. Now he has time for things that are, somehow, even less important.

While Steve Jobs' famed "reality distortion field" transformed, despite all odds, computers, music, movies and cell phones, it is his own body which has proven resistant to his formidable power to reshape the world.

Patrick Swayze is battling a reportedly rapidly-advancing disease beyond his control while young heiresses Courtenay Semel is viciously fighting with her heiress ex for no real reason whatsoever.

[Dawn breaks over the Capitol Building yesterday, while staff rehearses for Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony below; image via Getty]

Somehow, we're guessing there will be much more of this sort of writing from the Times' new columnist Bono, who in his debut effort visits a Dublin pub:

[A member of Berlin's ice swimming club der Berliner Seehunde (Berlin Seals) enjoys a dip today; image via Getty]

Sean Penn could woo Lindsay Lohan with an Oscar invite and Graydon Carter can woo a Waverly Inn neighbor with a spot in Vanity Fair and museums can. Seduction is everywhere.

Can Wenner Media go three weeks without another spurt of layoffs? Probably not, judging by its recent history. The latest seemingly whimsical cuts came earlier today.

The Feds still want to throw accused Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff in jail for mailing mittens. Oh, and some diamonds and emeralds and other expensive things.

In October, before Google's cost-cutting campaign began in earnest, the company had more than 10,000 contractors, founder Sergey Brin said. In a mid-December SEC filing, it reported only 4,300 temporary workers.

It was inevitable from the moment Gwyneth Paltrow named her website "Goop" that it would come to this: advice from the movie star on bowel movements. Stop reading now.

Following an autopsy, the official story is now that John Travolta's son died from a seizure. Travolta's story is that his son had Kawasaki disease. It's quite possible neither is right.

Bernie Madoff is still at large. Prosecutors are trying to get the financier, accused of running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme, thrown in jail for mailing valuables to his brother. Including mittens!

Future magic unicorn senator Caroline Kennedy was the only New York City employee who got to avoid disclosing her assets when she worked for the schools. That's right: Kennedy was privileged.