What factors does New Jersey consider before proposing legislation? Is it the economy, the health and wellness of their citizens, or the desire for law and order? No, it's how much Snooki gets paid.

Felon rapper Lil Wayne was forced to cancel European tour dates because the UK wouldn't give him a visa. The decision was supposedly made because of his criminal record for weapons and drugs. We think it's really because his passport didn't have the appropriate punctuation for the contraction in his name. Brits are such sticklers!

Because putting his name on Trump Tea, Trump Steaks, Trump Ties, Trump Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Towers, and possibly Trump/Hasselbeck 2012 election posters wasn't enough, Donald Trump just acquired a Virginia vineyard so he can make Trump Wine.

Rupert Murdoch's News International, which operates the News of the World and his other British papers, is admitting that its reporters illegally accessed the voicemails of at least 24 celebrities and will settle a raft of lawsuits over the hacks.

In not-very-shocking news from the Gulf of Mexico, scientists have said that six dolphins that washed up on the shore there had oil on them, and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials have traced the oil directly to last year's BP spill. Previously, experts said that "unusual mortality events" were responsible for the deaths of over 400 baby dolphins in the Gulf. Well, we have a culprit for at least a few of them now.

Porn-lite purveyor Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild was cleared of civil charges in Florida yesterday morning for allegedly causing emotional distress after he filmed underage girls' boobs for his frat boy DVD empire.

There's a crisis brewing in California's local, organic, grass-fed, humanely slaughtered meat industry, man. Nice butchers are in short supply, forcing farmers and consumers to (gasp!) forgo their oath to the locavore movement and get their meat from hundreds of miles away.

It seems as though Marine Corps Gen. James Amos (pictured, third from left), a onetime outspoken opponent of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, has had a change of heart. Where only recently he was testifying that letting gay soldiers serve openly would have a "strong potential for disruption at the small unit level," today he told the House Armed Services Committee that "the clear majority of [feedback] is very positive." Which means gay soldiers could serve openly as soon as this June. Ha! Suck on it, House Armed Services Committee.

As if spending 72 hours in an egg wasn't bad enough: Lady Gaga is going to be a newspaper editor for an entire day. She'll be stopping by the office of the free tabloid Metro on May 17th to guest-edit the paper. Look for an infographic on prosthetic horn maintenance.

Forty-two United States Senators have signed a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder demanding more prosecutions over adult pornography via the "vigorous" enforcement of federal obscenity laws. The Obama administration has not filed any new adult obscenity cases, because it has plenty of other actual work to do than to enforce dated, pandering laws about videos of adults having dirty sex.

A crack team of Harvard researchers have determined that "modern members of Congress spend about 27 percent of the time just taunting each other." That's much lower than we would have expected. It's great news!

Move over Jen Aniston, we have a new queen of sad jiltedness. And sadness, thy name is Bridget Moynihan. Also today: Two TV powerhouses are welcoming new children into their lives, LeBron's mom is in trouble, and Kanye likes the ladies.

As John Boehner cries for America in these trying times on the Hill, it looks like a government shutdown will mean that US troops serving overseas will only get half their pay (or maybe even less) until a later date. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is in Iraq today, and had to break the news to servicemembers. The Times breaks down what a shutdown would mean for their pay:

There will come a day in the not-so-distant future when Ryan Seacrest will squirm his way into every corner and every minute of your waking life. That day is, like, tomorrow. A story in The Hollywood Reporter estimates his 2011 gross income (maybe even net? He's like the GE of diminutive on-air personalities) will be somewhere in the vicinity of $55 million. How does that figure break down, exactly? Let's count the ways.

Few managers enjoy firing people, but at efficiency-obsessed AOL, layoff skills are apparently considered crucial: The internet conglomerate just dismissed a top editor for firing writers and then telling them they could write for free.

Today we heard that the government shutdown brought crybaby John Boehner to tears. And he's the head of all Republicans! (Well, a lot anyway.) What does this say, then, about the group as a whole? One commenter assessed.

Extending a wave of layoffs, AOL reduced its entire business news team to one or two people and is expected to use Huffington Post staff to pick up the slack. Because that's what HuffPo is famous for: business news.

What is the first thing that Eddie Murphy should do when he gets on stage to do a stand-up comedy routine? If you said "give a hearty 'thank-you' to the African tribes who originated the concept of The Dozens hundreds of years ago," well, your name is probably author and educator Elizabeth Evans! It's all right here in the press release of the day—and your mother is portly!

Emotionally unstable television host Glenn Beck is pulling a Palin and quitting his Fox News Channel show later this year, according to a cryptic and confusing press release published on his web site, The Blaze. (The site is down right now, apparently from all the "Beck is quitting" traffic, but the Google cache is still there.)

Leigh Morse, the former director of Salander-O'Reilly Gallery, was acquitted of pocketing $77,000 that belonged to actor Robert De Niro from the sale of his late father's paintings. De Niro even testified in the case last week, but that wasn't enough to convince the jury, apparently.