A mother in Tampa put her 15-year-old son on a street corner wearing a sign that read "GPA 1.22...Honk if I need education." Apparently she tried everything to get the kid to get his grades up but nothing worked and shame, she realized, is a very powerful motivator. Maybe we should make this lady Secretary of Education or something.

Police in Estero, Florida last month arrested a man after he was caught on surveillance video stealing sausages and napkins from a retirement community's club house. 34-year-old Joshua Ryan Abernathy entered the Mariner's Cove Club House, took a shower, and wandered around inside naked to the amusement of some cute (and lively!) old people. When someone noticed the coveted sausages were missing, they reviewed the surveillance tape and recognized the burglar as a drifter from the area.

Today's most sickening news story: onetime karate instructor Patrick Gonzalez was sentenced to death today, after being found guilty of "leading a group of men dressed like ninjas" into a Florida couple's home and killing them as their nine adopted children—all with special needs, like autism—slept or looked on in horror. The killers reportedly thought that the couple was hiding millions of dollars in their house. "The men took an unopened safe from the home that contained nothing of value, but a second safe that wasn't stolen had $164,000 in cash, court records show." [AP, photo via AP]

Following Louisiana's lead, last week Florida slapped an emergency ban on synthetic drugs that are marketed as "bath salts" because people are losing their minds after snorting and smoking "Vanilla Sky," "White Lightning," and "Ivory Snow." The state's attorney general was pushed to ban the "drug" after some people flipped out, according to NPR:

Just last week, TripAdvisor awarded the Desert Inn Resort in Daytona Beach the title of third-dirtiest hotel in America. (Belated congrats, guys!) The hotel's owner celebrated by being arrested on child porn charges (again).

[The famous Chilean miners visited Disney's Magic Kingdom in Florida today. They even got mining hats with Mickey Mouse ears on them. There is nothing sadder than grown men in mouse ears. Image via Getty]

A federal judge in Florida has found the new health care law's individual mandate unconstitutional in a 26-state lawsuit.

Well, this is weird. Florida authorities are stumped as to how a charred grand piano—weighing 650 pounds—appeared on the high point of a sandbar in Miami's Biscayne Bay. They're not going to remove it, either! Here's a video.

Here's depressing news from our nation's most depressing state. Residents of Flagler County, FL are eagerly awaiting the opening of a two-in-one Red Lobster/Olive Garden restaurant, hoping it will provide much needed jobs and revitalize a struggling community.

Some teens in Florida (natch) recently robbed a woman's home, taking, among other things, the ashes of her father and two Great Danes. Hungry for drugs, they snorted them. Upon realizing their mistake, they threw the ashes in a lake.

It's not New York, LA, San Francisco, or even Northampton, Massachusetts. According to the latest census, it's Jacksonville, Florida! And the city's nice to its gay families, and it's in the south. Why are the gayest cities always so odd?

April Newcomb, who was arrested in Florida after a video of her encouraging her teen daughter to fight another girl went viral, was sentenced to 12 months probation and must attending a parenting class. Those lessons are a little late.

Two Florida teens, Taylor Wynn and McKenzie Barker, were arrested for allegedly setting up a fake Facebook profile for a classmate and posting fake nude pictures of her. They've been charged with felony counts of "aggravated stalking of a minor."

A "ball of fire"—likely a meteor—appeared over the U.S. Southeast tonight! You may be reassured to know that the volunteer fire department of Copiah County, Miss., "searched for whatever it was but didn't come up with anything."

Do you recognize any of the ladies in this video of a Florida gas station brawl? If so, then the police want to talk to you about the December 30 melee, which they learned about once it hit the web.

A Florida woman curses the loathsome village-state for not serving her Smirnoff Ice, raising her son poorly, and electing Satan as its ruler.

Floridian Lawrence Gauthier, who's called 911 16 times since November to "request business cards," called the emergency hotline on Sunday and "told the dispatcher he wanted the media arrested." Which is totally frivolous! But, yes, please, arrest those bastards. [via]

Berlinda Dixon-Newbold is charged with aggravated assault for lighting the crotch of her boyfriend's pants on fire while he slept. She did it because she wanted more attention, not because he's a "liar, liar." His "family jewels" survived the blaze.

Just in time for Christmas, Boca Raton's Town Center Mall today will unveil a new gold ATM machine! It's a great idea because "gold has a place in everyone's portfolio," according to a Florida gold trader. Gold To Go!

On Tuesday, 56-year-old Clay Duke engaged in a bizarre standoff with a school board, killing himself after a security guard wounded him. His motives are still unclear, but his Facebook profile indicates that he never expected to survive.