Do you know Allen West? If not, you should. A lot of folks think he'll be president someday.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is in the process of writing rules to protect manatees, the fat monsters who occasionally get lost and dominate media coverage for weeks, from boating and other "activities" that constantly kill them in Kings Bay, Florida. So, is the local Tea Party chapter okay with this? Ha ha, no, not at all.

It seems that Zeus, mighty god of thunder and lightning, or Thor or somebody, is upset about the Casey Anthony murder trial. Mere hours after Anthony was told she'd soon be out of jail, lightning struck a makeshift memorial set up for Anthony's late daughter Caylee.

Rhonda Hollander, a traffic magistrate in Florida, was arrested last week after she barged into the men's restroom at the West Regional Courthouse in Broward County and took cell phone pictures of a man peeing at a urinal. That is one seriously kinky fetish!

Belated congratulations to Boynton Beach, Fla. police office David Britto, who was named "Officer of the Year" last year! It'll be nice for him to have that award on his mantelpiece to look at while he is on trial for selling meth.

Today's New York Times tells us that the trial of Casey Anthony, who's facing the death penalty for allegedly murdering her toddler Caylee, has become "this year's hot attraction" for tourists passing time in central Florida. Even Mickey Mouse has abandoned his gig to go watch the drama unfold.

Hello, Florida! How are you today? Oops! You're doing it on the beach. Erica Huerta, 21, and Steven Perry, 22, were arrested for engaging in "sexual activity for more than a half hour" on Treasure Island beach just before sunset on Monday. Yes, Steven Perry. (It's actually amazing how many Journey songs seem apropos to this story: "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'," "Girl Can't Help It," etc.)

Florida Gov. Rick Scott is terribly unpopular in his state after turning down billions in federal transportation dollars, requiring public employees to take drug tests at the drug-testing company he founded, being an asshole, and so on. How will he ever get his approval ratings out of the 20s? He won't do a thing. You, however, will send pre-written letters to the editors of seven Florida newspapers, and you will do it right now.

Is your child's summer camp a bit too... Kenyan, let's say? Don't worry! There's still space at the weeklong "Tampa Liberty School," a camp designed to help children aged 8-12 learn about important concepts like Freedom and The Gold Standard.

A flaming "rum-and-banana concoction" went wild at a Florida restaurant yesterday, maiming four people with first- and second-degree burns. Coincidentally, one of the chefs was recently certified as a firefighter, so he saved everyone.

Four people who at one time fell in love with Bananas Foster might have already fallen out of love with the flaming dessert, after suffering burns during a Foster-related "explosion." If only they'd have worn their full-body, fire-retardant dining-out suits!

Kim Kardashian threatens to sue a tabloid and denies a football player's sexy stories. Scarlett Johansson is a pushy conversationalist. Emma Stone sucked her thumb until she was 11. Flo Rida gets arrested. Thursday gossip contains two truths and a lie, but which is which?

Last Friday evening, this black bear trespassed onto the property of Floridian Jenny Rhoades, then got into her hot tub without asking for permission. Whoa, arrogant.

"Unless your roommate specifically asks you to throw butter at their ankles, you should probably abstain," my mom always used to say. Collier County, Florida resident Dawn Elizabeth Rhash allegedly didn't follow this popular rule of etiquette, either because her mom told her otherwise, or because vodka.

In sunny Palm Bay, Florida, prosecutors have charged Walmart shopper Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi with a hate crime after she allegedly admitted to cops that she spat on several fellow bargain hunters because "Americans are pushing us around." Even worse: a judge has barred her from shopping at Walmart while her charges are pending.

You might remember terrible mom April Newcomb, who was caught on video coaching her 6-year-old daughter in a nasty fight with another teen down in Florida last year. She could be heard on the video yelling "don't fucking stop," "punch her in the fucking body," and other classy encouragements that are totally appropriate for a mother. Well, according to the Smoking Gun, she entered a no contest plea in court and was given 75 hours of community service and ordered to attend a one day parenting class. Wow. That'll surely teach April Newcomb a lesson.

"What you have on your license plate is everything ... It's your message to the world," says Floridian anachronism John Adams, who's been trying for years to exercise his constitutional right to put a Confederate license plate on his car. Will this warrior for liberty and freedom prevail?

The state of Florida, somewhat famously, finally got around to banning bestiality last week. But, as the blog Southern Fried Science points out, there might be something wrong with the language used in the bill—specifically that it bans sex with "an animal." Did you know that humans are "animals," too?

Florida Gov. Rick Scott recently turned down $2 billion in federal funds for high-speed rail, mostly as a means of sticking it to the liberals in Washington. But If you live in one of more than a dozen other states, you should thank Governor Scott for his sacrifice! Because the Department of Transportation announced how it would divvy up Florida's rejected money today.

The owner of the Taste of Philly Cheesesteak and Hoagie Shoppe in Crystal River, Florida (it's where the Crystal Ships are manufactured) has been told she has to stop flying six patriotic flags in front of her place because of a local ordinance limiting people to only three flags. Why does Crystal River hate America?