President of Pizza and Pokemon Herman Cain won today's straw poll of Florida GOP activists, receiving 37 percent of the votes cast. That's 22 more percentage points than second-place finisher Rick Perry received. For his prize, Cain got to ban a mosque.

Although Floridian father Michael Turner has decorated his body with several tattoos, he didn't want his daughter to get any body art of her own. Tattoos are played out, and also nerdy. Apparently his daughter did not care, however, and convinced her brother to drive her to the tattoo parlor. Felony charges resulted!

The Republican presidential candidates are debating tonight in Orlando, shining city of "corporate amusement parks"! Our hosts for the evening are Fox News and Google, who have planned all sorts of gimmicky social media bullshit to whiz by the candidates' faces throughout the evening. Which of these nine suckers will lose the most? Let us consider that, and other concerns.

After being robbed of $400 in a drug deal, the mother of Cassondra Marie Rassi—the smiling woman whose mugshots you see here—decided to retaliate against the alleged dealer-thief by building a pipe bomb and blowing up the person's car.

A marauding gang of cross-dressing bandits stand accused of stealing "thousands of dollars of filmy fabrics, sequins, feather boas and other accessories" from stores across Florida. This loathsome act of scrunchie-jacking larceny has produced some of the best eyewitness quotes from any single news story in recent memory. Orlando Sentinel, you are the best.

Isn't it just cute, at the end of the day? The Tea Party Express got their very own presidential debate in Florida, thanks to the suckers at CNN. They'll be asking only the best questions, like "What will you do about United Nations Agenda 21?" and "Will you salt the ground over NPR's building after defunding and destroying it?" Oh, golly. Pour a shot of whiskey up your nostril and let's watch!

The Republican candidates for president just debated five nights ago at the St. Ronald of Reagan gravesite in California. Couldn't they just leave us alone for a while, after that? No! We have to have a CNN/Tea Party Express debate in Florida tonight, to allow Wolf Blitzer and some right-wing grifters confuse the American public into the fetal position.

Former Rep. Alan Grayson wrote a blog post for the Daily Kos today. If that sentence isn't sad enough, here's the title: "I Told Newt He Looks Fat." Apparently Grayson once met Newt Gingrich on the floor of the House, and totally zing'ed him, and it was awesome.

Being a physician's assistant seems like a great job, doesn't it? Except for all that pesky "learning" and "certification" you have to go through. Bo-ring! Seventeen-year-old Matthew Scheidt figured out a better system: Just pretend to be a P.A. and people will believe you!

One of President Michele Bachmann's plans for beefing up American energy independence would be to drill the Everglades. Again, that's "drill the Everglades," as a supposed means of extracting mass quantities of fossil fuels. This idea may be just terrible enough to disgust some of her fellow Tea Partiers.

While Beyonce was announcing her pregnancy last night, little sister and hipster foil Solange Knowles was in a surrealist, possibly racist brawl with the Miami Beach police force. It all started when Solange tried to carry a five-foot inflatable banana into a nightclub.

After getting into an argument with his girlfriend and leaving her house, 26-year-old David Bustos allegedly returned to Chez GF, entered the place (very quietly, one assumes), got out his electric hair clippers, and began cutting off her hair while she slept. That's pretty psycho.

We all express our altruism in different ways—it's part of what makes us human. Robert Johnson of Vero Beach, Florida likes to give back to his community by strolling along the beach while completely naked. It's what he calls "helping."

Each member of an "obscure board of volunteers" representing the city of Clearwater, Florida, has earned a gold star and pat on the back, as they have ruled that the Church of Scientology must cough up $413,500 in fines which they could have easily written off.

"Oh boy, oh boy," freshman Senator Marco Rubio thought to himself, escorting Nancy Reagan through the Reagan Library. "I'm in the inner sanctum now. Handpicked by Nancy Reagan to deliver a speech, walking down this aisle like husband and wife. Best damn photo op of my life! Oh, wait, gotta smile."

Time for an insanely depressing story about Americans living in squalor: A Florida couple was charged with child neglect today after police found them living in the above-photographed trash-stuffed car with their three children, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

According to data on same-sex couples released by the U.S. Census Bureau, the gayest city in these 50 states is, not surprisingly, Provincetown, Mass., the vacation spot of circuit boys, insane writers, and homosexuals who make a whole lot more money than any of us.

Everybody say hello to Dale McDaniel, your new favorite Floridian! He's 52, has been arrested at least 34 times, allegedly shouts obscenities at people and pisses in his trash-strewn yard, drinks pretty much constantly, and has left an indelible impression upon his neighbors, many of whom say they fear him.

A 34-year-old Florida mom has been charged with child neglect after allegedly leaving her five-year-old—who still requires use of a stroller, for some reason?—to wait outside a Daytona Beach bar called Crooks Den "for 20 minutes" while she drank beers inside.

True story! I used to work for James "The Amazing" Randi, the famed magician-turned-arch-skeptic, at his foundation in Fort Lauderdale, where we combated psychics and faith-healers and exorcists and all kinds of predatory bullshit slingers. The reaction Mr. Randi most frequently elicited from angry believers: "What's the harm? So what if I want to believe in [magic/psychics/prayer/reincarnation/heaven/ghosts/angels]? Believing gives people hope!"