Republican Florida state Rep. Brad Drake entered a Waffle House and emerged a man with ideas. Bold ideas, about breakfast. But also some ideas on how to kill Florida's death row inmates with firing squads. Regular Florida folks might be tapped to help shoot some of these condemned critters, because government employees shouldn't have all the fun.

Florida's comically unpopular governor, Rick Scott, has decided to pick another new, arbitrary fight: This time with anthropology majors! And psychology majors, and really all liberal arts/social science majors, whom he believes his state university system subsidizes for no good reason. Have any of these invalids ever gotten a job, in Florida? There is no reason to humor them any longer.

Eighty-one-year-old Phillip Winikoff isn't even a licensed breast examination doctor, so what was he doing offering free door-to-door breast examination services to female residents of a Coconut Creek, Florida apartment complex back in 2006? Perhaps we'll never know.

Bill Gates is reportedly renting an eight-bedroom South Florida mansion for half a year at $600,000 per month. Yes, the Microsoft co-founder has at least two other homes, but neither of them will put his 15-year-old daughter Jennifer—or her ponies—within striking distance of the Winter Equestrian Festival.

After drinking enough to allegedly register a .227 on a blood alcohol content test, Florida person Matthew Falkner went to a Jensen Beach Taco Bell, ordered some tacos, then passed out in his pick-up truck while waiting in the drive-thru—just like you sometimes do! Taco Bell drive-thrus are comforting.

Ocala, Florida police believe they've caught the notorious Serial School Pooper—a man who's surreptitiously pooped on the entrance of a portable middle classroom five times since early September. He also allegedly left behind notes, pamphlets, and, in one instance, a thong.

Citing his "quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people," a Republican state legislator has submitted a bill that would repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. He's doing it for job creation!

Flash mob recreations of the "Thriller" video have broken out of wedding reception halls and Filipino prison yards in recent years to become something of a rite of Halloween passage. But try telling that to the fascist city officials of Boca Raton, who have shut down this year's planned "Thriller" extravaganza, and in doing so, made Halloween Jesus cry.

As college kids gather in New York for the Occupy Wall Street protests, a group of students in southeastern Florida have a different cause they're fighting for: They're pushing for a ban on noisy leaf blowers.

Florida stereotype-dad David Andrew Shawfield left his young children in a hot car because he was buying them cold drinks from the supermarket. He was doing it for them. So why shouldn't he blame them for his arrest on child neglect charges?

A Florida woman faces a charge of battery causing bodily harm after breaking the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not throw thy Bible at thy son's girlfriend. She is literally a Bible beater.

Today is the last day that you can legally fuck an animal in Florida. At the stroke of midnight on October 1st, the Sunshine State's new anti-bestiality law goes into effect, forbidding "sexual contact" and "sexual conduct" with "animals." (So it might be illegal to have sex with other humans, too. Molds and fungi, however, are fair game.) Floridians: How do you plan to spend these precious final hours of legal bestiality?

Recently the California Department of Motor Vehicles released a list of 100 vanity plates they rejected as part of their efforts to keep California classy. Not to be outdone, Florida's DMV has released its own list of banned plates—and it's way more scatological and private-partcentric than California's.

Florida authorities have arrested a trio of dental hygiene heisters, peridontal purloiners accused of stealing $3 million worth of electric toothbrushes and whitening strips from more than 60 retail stores.

Herman Cain has taken our and everyone else's snide "pizza man for president" jokes and stuffed them right in our fat faces! How? By having a week of political success, and at least briefly reaching the top tier of presidential candidates. He prefers to be called Sir President McWinning Pizza Man, now, please, thank you.

Not more than a week has passed since a Florida man sustained injuries in a shark attack, and already the lettuce porn fetishists at PETA have come up with a new ad campaign commemorating his memorable seaside experience. Now he can add "muse" to his resume.

We all hear stories about kids who are given ridiculous names—usually kids that are born to celebrities—but when you're looking to name your child, don't turn to a "baby name blog." They're full of horrible ideas too, like this one.

An ice cream shop in Ocala, Florida thought it would be a clever marketing tactic to have an employee dress up as an ice cream cone and stand out in the parking lot with a sign advertising their goods. Little did they know!

Thirty-five-year-old Florida elementary school teacher Natalie Santagata was recently fired after someone surreptitiously sent her employer photos and videos depicting her "engaged in sex acts"... with consenting adults! She also might have smoked some weed in the videos! But we're not ruling out hand-rolled cigarettes, so let's just focus on the sex part!

"I love being single." — Floridian Jennifer Hearn, posting to Facebook after allegedly murdering her husband Cliff and burying him in a hog pen. Hearn, who says she shot her husband during an argument, has been charged with second-degree murder.