Let's not allow the pepper-spray clouds, bullet showers, and mounds of bloody Brawny towels to obscure our view of the hard-working cashiers, stockers, and other retail workers who staffed the stores and enabled Black Friday to happen. How did they fare yesterday?

As part of their ongoing investigation into Oneal Ron Morris—the Floridian fake doctor accused of injecting "cement, 'Fix a Flat,' mineral oil and super glue" into people's butts—police have arrested Corey Alexander Eubank, Morris's alleged assistant. Now both are unemployed.

In July 2010, 79-year-old Florida man Richard Smith went to the hospital complaining about breathing troubles and stomach pains. After his nurse accidentally injected him with Pancuronium—a drug that's given to death row inmates during the execution process—Smith's health troubles were gone. But so was he, eventually.

America's War on Fake Butts continues! Here are some police photos of 30-year-old Oneal Ron Morris, a not-doctor arrested by Miami Gardens, Florida police for allegedly giving women—and herself?—butt injections using a mixture of "cement, 'Fix a Flat,' mineral oil and super glue."

Fifty-year-old Floridan L.B. Williams didn't want his wife to divorce him because he loved her, and also who would bake him cakes? Instead of seeking marriage counseling or taking Mrs. Williams on some romantic Red Lobster dinner dates, he tried to woo her back by staging a hate crime. Hey, whatever works! (It did not work.)

On Sunday afternoon, 22-year-old Jorge Daniel Silva and his wife invited another woman over to their place for some menage a trois action. Hot! Except not, because Silva—who apparently has no idea how threesomes work—allegedly "freaked out" and ended up getting arrested on felony charges.

Florida's anthropology-hating android-governor Rick Scott, who is not cool in any way, recently stopped by the Port of Miami to hang out on a cruise ship and pretend to do somebody else's job for a few minutes, again. Rick Scott creates jobs ... for Rick Scott!

If Alexander Pratt and Clara Pearson were ever to write an illustrated manual together, they should call it The Joyride of Sex. On Thursday night the feisty twosome allegedly stole a Honda Civic so they could have a quickie. Sadly, they never got the chance.

The War on Hugs continues apace in America's prison-schools, with panicked administrators enforcing no-hugging policies to ensure that their youthful charges don't injure each other—or worse. The latest casualties are 14-year-old Florida middle schooler Nickolas Martinez and his female friend, who just received a one-day in-school suspension for hugging on school grounds. Have they no shame?

Let's just dig into the Florida news here and pull out a typical Florida news story, at random: Aha. Two young men in Lake City were thinking entrepreneurially last week:

Internet racist Matt Drudge recently paid $1.45 million cash for a five-bedroom "safari-like tropical retreat" near his Miami, Florida, home. Here's a video tour.

The Blue Code of Silence might be stronger than ever within the NYPD, but in Florida, cops aren't just snitching on other cops — they're chasing them down the Florida Turnpike at speeds in excess of 120 miles per hour, pulling them over, and reading them the riot act before placing them under arrest.

Have you ever seen this kind of woven bracelet before? Supposedly all the kids are wearing these things now—errrrr, I mean, planning on wearing them, soon, very soon, like any day now. It's so they can smoke their weed and get high, to spite you!

"When you're a Domino's manager you're a Domino's manager all the way, from your first cigarette to your last fiery hit on a Papa John's outlet that results in arson charges for you and your colleague." This is how the song might go today, if West Side Story were set in modern-day Florida and about rival corporate pizza chain crews instead of New York City gangs.

We can think of so many reasons why you should never, ever abuse your wife while she's driving (or engaging in any other activity, really), but here's a very good, common-sense one: You might cause a fatal accident. Fatal to you!

OHHHHHHH thank heavens, right? Finally, a real choice in this race. Floridian fameball (flameball) Dr. Terry "Burrrn Yr Koran" Jones announced Wednesday that he's tossing his mustache into this presidential race to right(-wing) the ship and "stop overspending." Other campaign goals: "Also saving us 400 billion dollars per year" (??), and "deport all illegals." Sounds like he's got Alabama and Arizona wrapped up.

Tim Lovell and Theresa Hasselberg thought their brother Harold was among the eight unidentified victims of crazy clown serial killer John Wayne Gacy but it turns out he was alive in Florida the whole time. He just didn't want to talk to them!

With the U.S. unemployment rate holding steady at 9.1%, people are desperate for any kind of work. That's why Florida state legislator Ritch Workman submitted a bill earlier this month that would repeal the state's ban on dwarf-tossing, freeing up jobs for aerodynamic little people across the Sunshine State. While many have dismissed Workman's bill as both offensive and impractical, he picked up some A-list support tonight when Stephen Colbert laid out the case for re-legalizing "shorty shotput."

The Casa Monica Hotel in St. Augustine, Florida flies a big American flag out front so that people will regard it as a patriot-friendly lodging establishment. Sadly, that fluttering piece of fabric will probably disappear soon, because the hotel's new management hates American flags. Hates!

Couples that get arrested together stay together—though not literally, because jails separate people by sex, and don't offer couples' cells. But still: Teenage casual dining enthusiasts Devin Norling, 18, and Sydney Sanders, 19, probably have some sort of future, because they gave themselves a memorable first-date experience and now have plenty to discuss during their second date.