Facebook has gotten pretty good at filtering garbage out of people's "News Feeds." Too good, as far as advertisers are concerned: They want the garbage put back, so they can spam people, and logically Facebook is complying.

The hacktivists of Anonymous are often dismissed as unskilled noobs. But now the Department of Homeland Security has called out Anonymous as "script kiddies" with rudimentary hacking skills. Oh no they didn't.

"In a startling new development," the National Enquirer writes, "[we have] learned that Chris Hansen had a SECOND mistress—a sexy Hollywood stripper." Low threshold for startle, I see.

Hats off to Sunland Park, New Mexico Mayor Martin Resendiz, for making the useless invalids in Washington look vaguely — vaguely — competent in comparison! Because it turns out that Mayor Resendiz only signed those nine contracts with the company that is now suing his city for seven figures because he was really, really drunk.

The Today Show discussed "sugar babies" today, young hotties who date rich old guys for money. Rich old guy Donny Deutsch is in favor of the phenomenon. His impassioned defense transforms Star Jones into a kettle of boiling water, steaming and screaming in horror.

Here's just the latest sign that our campaign finance laws are healthy in every way the Founding Fathers could have imagined: A secret company that no one knows anything about has given Mitt Romney's SuperPAC $1 million and quickly dissolved into nothingness. The folks behind this fly-by-night operation are probably relaxing on a beach in Mexico by now! Oh man.

Droopy renaissance man Zach Braff wrote a new play called All New People that's currently running off-Broadway, and New York Magazine's theater critic Scott Brown really did not like it. His review was scathing, but hilariously so! Everyone loved it! Well, almost everyone. Braff's friend, Scrubs and Cougar Town guru Bill Lawrence, is not happy about it at all.

The day's not even halfway over, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average has already dropped more than 300 fucking points, close to 3% of its value. The Nasdaq is down more than 3% as well. What's the problem? Fear of a looming double-dip recession. (What's "looming" is the second dip.) Haha, have you been missing 2009? Perhaps we'll get to live it all over again!

America! What is wrong with you? Despite the fact that Wal-Mart is the only store of any size left in your post-apocalyptic economically decimated little towns, Wal-Mart's sales have been falling for two years now. Important update: it's getting worse!

George Clooney's rumored rebound fling could fling him across the room. Carey Mulligan gets engaged. Kim Kardashian emulates Kate Middleton. Hugh Hefner planks. Demi Lovato credits her success to Barney the dinosaur. Thursday gossip dominates.

Here's a trailer for The Darkest Hour, a Russia-set thriller about an alien invasion. Ho hum, more aliens, right? Wrong! These are a different kind of alien, in that we can't see them.

This television favorite has a thing for men who were born women—or is it women who were born men? Another actress criticizes her ex to the press, but then still booty calls him. Guess they're going through a transition.

If anyone's been put down by society for far too long — besides young white males — it's the straights, of course. That's precisely why members of Sao Paulo, Brazil's city council have adopted legislation to create Heterosexual Pride Day.

Federal agents are once again busy cleaning up the streets of Venice, California. No, they're not taking out sophisticated cocaine smuggling operations or prostitution rings. They're dismantling an underground syndicate of raw milk pushers and connoisseurs that operate under a front called Rawesome Foods.

What's worse than going to a rave? Watching a rave in a movie theater, that's what. But even if you felt like spending your Thursday evening in a theater watching people on drugs dance around, it's no longer an option for many. The repercussions from last week's riot in Los Angeles that shut down the premiere of the Electric Daisy Carnival Experience are being felt across the country now, after theaters cancelled more than 500 one-night-only screenings of the film.

Architectural Digest has photos of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith's 25,000-square-foot "adobe-style residence" in Malibu. From the outside, it looks like something Tatooine's version of Donald Trump would build for himself. Inside, it's an airier version of Will's trailer.

After he plowed his Jeep into a condo's garage by mistakenly flooring it in reverse, Gordon Flavia, a 57-year-old man from Longview, Washington, found that he'd driven clear into a makeshift bathroom containing a portable toilet. He then "doused himself with a bucket of liquid human waste" and hid inside the Porta Potty. Police found him there, soaking wet.

"It" girl of the moment Emma Stone stopped by the Late Show tonight to chat with David Letterman and promote her upcoming film, The Help. While we're sure Letterman had only the best of intentions, we couldn't help but feel creeped out by his fixation on Stone's voice, eyes and hair. And if the above video is any indication, she seemed a bit uncomfortable, as well. Easy, Dave!

Baggy-eyed, battered and desperately in need of a cigarette, President Barack Obama limped across the birthday finish line today, making it to a round half-century: Our Commander-in-Chief is now 50 years old.

Praise Frosty! That's the name of the 73-year-old man who had a priceless portrait of Jesus Christ sitting in the closet of his Tennessee motor home.