How about that economy, amirite? Yesterday it's crashing to hell, and then today there's a decent jobs report and rather than crashing some more, the markets simply "gyrated," which is considered preferable.

Beach days are the best! It's nothing but taking in the sun, splashing around in the water, and digging six-foot pits in the sand. Um, huh? While I'm pretty sure most people don't spend their time at the beach digging massive trenches in the sand—what are you, digging to China?—to each his own. But if you happen to be the sort of person who enjoys this activity, please know that these holes are extremely dangerous and may collapse in on you, as 17-year-old Orange County resident Matt Mina will tell you.

It was announced yesterday that director Brett Ratner, figuring he wasn't going to get much closer to an Oscar, will produce next year's Academy Awards ceremony. Strange choice, Academy! But it's been made, so let's make the best of it and give Ratner some suggestions.

You may be resting in your dorm room, listening to your Beatles and smoking your "bong" pipe and composing your protest march folk song without a care in the world, secure in the knowledge that college degrees are kind of worth the money, more or less. But are they? Well, maybe not for you, hippie.

The Nicki Minajes and the Khloe Kardashians the world over understand that the occasional slip of the nipple on live television is an occupational hazard. It happens! In fact, it seems to happen so often these days that no one cares that much when it does. But that doesn't mean ABC is cool with what happened on Good Morning America earlier today. The network issued a statement apologizing to Minaj and viewers for the offending nipple.

Jeremy Baumhower produces radio tours, bringing musicians like Nick Cannon to major radio stations across America. Since Hollywood child bride Courtney Stodden is, ostensibly, a country singer, he contacted her using the email address listed on her website. The resulting exchange is comedic gold. Updated.

Rupert Murdoch came outside his NYC apartment building, looked up, saw a peacock, and was like,

Old lady Aniston has somehow managed to sink her gnarled old hooks into actor/writer Justin Theroux, and though she just recently bought a bachelorette pad for herself, rumor has it she's shopping for a Manhattan townhouse she can share with her man.

Because so many people are snapping their own photos of the Pittsburgh production and putting them on the internet, Warner Bros. has gone ahead and released an official photo of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. And it's bad?

The mischievous scribes at Fox Nation are lighting up Twitter with this magisterial headline-photo combination about President Obama's private White House birthday party yesterday. The "Hip-Hop BBQ" didn't even create any jobs! This guy doesn't even deserve to be 50 years old.

Warning: The above video is a graphic squid snuff film. It made me scream out loud.

It is now time for the eight subjects from Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, to be removed for their native habitat so they can go on a journey to their spiritual homeland: Italy. Our little pigeons have flown from the nest, and nothing will ever be the same again.

Now we know why Gov. Rick Perry is aggressively trying to change Texas' state university system to one where teachers are paid by how much money they bring in, and students are treated like "customers": It's to take on revenge on the professors who gave him horrible, no-good, very bad grades during his college days.

The only bad things about this video, "The Andover Song," are the excruciatingly earnest lyrics, the disconcerting juxtaposition of a bunch of freshly-scrubbed teenage prep school lacrosse aficionados with the format of a non-parody rap video, the horribly awkward cameo by the elderly authority figure, the depressing realization that this video's production values are much higher than those on many videos by "real" rappers, and the overarching statement that the very existence of this video makes about the dissipation and decline of hip hop culture in America.

It's the first Friday in August! This means two things: The nice, brisk days of autumn aren't too far away, and the latest jobs report has come out. Employers added 117,000 jobs in July and brought the unemployment rate down one tenth of a percentage point to 9.1%. This is kind of good?

Why did the chicken cross the road? For eons, philosophers have debated the question, because that is philosophers' idea of a "funny" riff on their own weighty profession, which is why most philosophers are not "chick magnets." Well, we're happy to report that the question has finally been answered.

Xtina used to call Kelly fat, and now Kelly is getting her revenge. Marc Anthony begs to get J.Lo back. Nicki Minaj has a nip slip. Kate Bosworth has turquoise hair. Nicole Richie makes fat jokes about Jessica Simpson. TGIFriday gossip.

They may both be in relationships with women, but that doesn't mean these two TV stars aren't together as well. This actress keeps stealing her rival's men, and this actor is fashioning himself as a spiritual leader. We pray they would all just go away.

Occasional Tea Party pitchman Jimmy McMillan, otherwise known as the "Rent Is Too Damn High" guy, is now battling his landlord over the rent on his St. Marks Place apartment, for which he pays $872.96 per month. McMillan told the Post he's had the place since 1977, and that his rent back then was around $275. "Maybe the landlord doesn't know, but he can't bulldog me because I know the law," he told the paper. His landlord is apparently arguing that the St. Marks Place apartment is not McMillan's primary residence because he keeps an apartment in Brooklyn that doubles as his party HQ. McMillan says that his landlord just wants to get more money from a new tenant (!!!). Good luck with all that, and welcome to the real world, Jimmy.

Stocks opened "sharply lower" in Europe on Friday, following "heavy selling" in Asia. Just in time for the U.S. job numbers! You know what I'd buy stock in, if I could? Pictures of traders looking worried. Also, moonshine. [WSJ]