It's only been one day since ratings agency Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. Government's credit rating from AAA to AA+, and already I've been forced to kill two people who tried to steal my food. And it could get worse! The agency says there's a one-in-three chance the U.S. will be downgraded again.

In a new Q&A with the New York Times, former South Carolina governor and recent New York City subway passenger Mark Sanford talks about some of his favorite pastimes, aside from hiking through Appalachia with his Argentinean soulmate.

Emma Watson is spotted kissing her costar. Charlie Sheen is going to die in a "meat explosion." Larry David is more popular with the ladies than Alexander Skarsgard. Sunday gossip doesn't care about its $2 trillion error.

Being overshadowed by a minivan in the eyes of one's father would wound the pride of even the strongest of men. Sadly, such is the lot of Anthony Roho, who's been forced to compete with a Nissan Quest for his father's affections—and for far too long, it seems.

A candlelight vigil held for Mark Duggan, who was killed by police on Thursday, erupted into riots in Tottenham, London last night after riot cops on the scene allegedly beat a 16-year-old girl who had thrown a stone at them.

In New Hampshire—whose culture we're suddenly learning all about, in piecemeal fashion—the parking situation outside the state's new, $3.3 million liquor store is probably causing a lot of anxiety for residents who have ever voted for Ralph Nader at some point in their lives.

Worried about the U.S. government's recently-downgraded credit rating? Don't be! Texas Governor and possible presidential candidate Rick Perry and 30,000 people just asked Jesus to help out with all of America's problems, and he should be here in an hour or so.

Most likely, Nicki Minaj won't fall into obscurity anytime soon, but remember the days when she was everywhere? Friday's appearance on Good Morning America-with its accompanying wardrobe malfunction-rekindled our love for Minaj and her beyond-crazy outfits that often highlight her, er, assets. So lest you forget what it looks like, here's a rundown of the ten most ridiculous costumes that Nicki Minaj's butt has ever worn. They're in no particular order, because judging what someone's rear-end looks like in spandex is a pretty subjective matter. Click photos to enlarge.

Every day brings new, difficult choices to make. Should we go to Andover and learn how to rap, or enroll at Ohio University and major in fun? Should we switch to a cheaper beer? And should we trade our parrot for a computer and some cash, or keep the parrot and buy a computer instead?

Remember when a Mitt Romney political action committee received a $1 million donation from "W Spann LLC," a mysterious company that was created in March and dissolved in July? And we all thought it was al Qaeda or Dr. Claw or someone? Turns out it was just a regular old rich guy!

The next time you go clothes-shopping, be sure to wear your favorite opaque full-body unitard—unless you don't mind department store employees watching you while you try on outfits in the fitting rooms. The secret's in the slats, shoppers!

Usually people go to great lengths to propose in a memorable way—like on-camera during a live news segment. Josh Mullins, late of Reno, Colo., seems to have done so accidentally. And while you can cast aspersions on the authenticity of the proposal—and this is the internet, so I know you will—I'm okay with all of us just agreeing that this was a sweet moment accidentally caught on tape. [KMBC]

Maybe you were pretending to work all week and couldn't check your favorite Gawker Media sites. Or maybe you actually were working and finally have some time to catch up. Well, whatever the case, we've got you covered. Here are some of the most amusing and entertaining videos we watched during the week that was.

When he's not defending Sarah Palin from hypercritical monsters, Washington Post Writers Group columnist Ruben Navarrette Jr.'s hard at work offering "new thinking on many of the major issues of the day." Yes, that's right: "hard at work." Oh, you say you don't understand what that phrase means? You must be a millennial.

Mercede Johnston claims that Bristol Palin both did and did not want to be pregnant with her brother's child. Doug Hutchison claims that the emails sent by his 16-year-old wife were actually sent by "hackers." Saturday gossip is now has a better credit rating than the U.S. government.

On Thursday, Rolaine Foigelman of Tonawanda, N.Y. pleaded guilty to endangering the welfare of an incompetent person based on an incident in which she tried to stop bystanders from helping to save her son's life. Hey, at least nobody will accuse her of being a helicopter mom now.

Thirty-eight soldiers—including 25 Navy SEALs—were killed when a Chinook helicopter crashed during an apparent raid on Taliban forces in eastern Afghanistan. It's the single worst day for U.S. casualties since the start of the war. [AJE]

When you woke up this morning, did everything seem a little less... reliable? It did, didn't it? That's because credit ratings agency Standard & Poor's no longer regards the U.S. as a risk-free borrower, despite a $2 trillion error in its initial accounting.

In a motion to dismiss a court case this week, we learned that a woman is suing Planet Sushi on New York's Upper West Side. Why? Because she thinks there was semen in the spicy sauce that came alongside a delivery order of tuna rolls. Per the filing:

It's a pretty quiet weekend at the multiplex, with only a few films opening an—Oh god! Apes! Everywhere, apes! Talking, tool-using apes! Run! To your local movie theater!