Friends reruns, however, are off limits to little Coco. They make her sad and confused, reminding her about when Mommy had a job inside the TV with Funny Chandler Daddy while she had to let Stay At Home Daddy beat her at Chutes and Ladders all day.

· Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the W.C.: Snakes on a Shitter.
· Breaking! Jennifer Lopez has a big ass!
· With all due respect to Charlize Theron's crusade against the tyranny of beauty, wearing a filthy bandana and smudging some dirt on her face ain't exactly a return to Monster.
· Nanny-porking: Not just for actors anymore!
· Wonkette presents Indictment Bingo! Play along at home with your own handy scorecard.

· Tuesday night music round-up: The Briefs at Amoeba (yes, free as always—who needs that new Megastore abomination in Hollywood?); Iron and Wine with Calexico at the Wiltern; Cold War Kids at Spaceland.
· Brody Stevens (aka "The First Person In America To Capture A Post Freak-Out Dave Chappelle On Film") hosts the Comedy Death Ray show at the UCB Theatre.
· In celebration of its 83rd anniversary, the Egyptian Theatre presents The Postman Always Rings Twice. Novelist and movie historian Eddie Muller hosts, tours of the theater are offered, birthday cake is dished out, and 1940's attire is encouraged. Unfortunately, there will be no appearances by noir clowns.

A couple of readers have written in to cast doubts about the authenticity of the auction offering Lindsay Lohan's headlight. Here's one note about the potential fraud:

We think that it will become painfully obvious where we're going with this one:

"Listen, Jen, we've been out here for hours, OK? I'm at a total loss. We've tried making out, you straddling me...hell, I'm gonna go pretend to fuck that potted plant if someone doesn't take a picture soon."

The suffocating demands of fame, it seems, have taken a terrible toll on Fox News' favorite son, Bill O'Reilly. In fact, he's so psychically drained by the constant scrutiny that comes with being among the world's most recognizable "big personalities" (coughassholecoughcough) that he's even starting to identify with—-no, it's too horrible to say! Just read it yourself:

· Fox commits to the Ashton Kutcher-produced pilot 30 Year Old Grandpa, in which a young guy marries a "mature" lady and winds up a stepdad to children close to his own age. How does the creative genius Kutcher come up with these wonderful ideas? Deal was reached after Kutcher's Katalyst Productions agreed to change the title from the edgier How I Boned Your Mother.* [Variety]
· SpongeBob Squarepants will soon debut in 120 million Chinese households, helping the government's desperate attempts at population control by attempting to turn an entire generation of children gay. [THR]
· Former King of Queens showrunners Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa are the latest writers trying to translate 24 into sitcom form with the pilot A Day in the Life (each season is one wacky day!) for ABC, who have apparently forgotten they tried to do it earlier this year with the original version of Jake in Progress. [Variety]
· Michael J. Fox will make a triumphant return to television as a guest star on Boston Legal, where he will play a character battling lung cancer, not Parkinson's disease.. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Yet Another Scary Movie Redo Edition: New Line buys the distribution rights to Hong Kong horror remake In-Utero, in which a pregnant woman who sees spirits and whatnot. [Variety]

If you've found yourself vaguely dissatisfied after sitting through an episode of Desperate Housewives this season, don't wrack your brain wondering if it's because creator Marc Cherry isn't writing nearly all of the episodes, delegating much of the creative duties to a staff not completely in tune with his finely developed sense of soap opera camp (the evil-Eva-Longoria-twin episode should arrive in six weeks). Cherry fervently denies that he's not paying enough attention to his overrated Nielsen monster, so the LAT goes looking for other answers:

Today's NY Times presents Encyclopedia Brown and the Case Of The Guy Who Wrote the Books and the Producers Looking to Get Filthy Rich from the Somewhat Disputed Movie Rights; if our obvious riff on the titles of the storied children's detective series hasn't given you enough of a summary of the fight to bring the books to the big screen, give the article a read. But what's all the fuss about? Producers Howard Deutsch and Ridley Scott realize that with just a few minor tweaks, they can smell the sweet stink of Harry Potter money all over the franchise:

Never having had a reason to visit CBS.com, we had no idea that the crown jewel of Les Moonves' growing empire of pain had embraced the blog format, and in the process, sowed the seeds of the online medium's inevitable destruction:

Perhaps the most excruciating part about yesterday's technical difficulties was knowing that there was an eBay auction involving an artifact of recent historical significance waiting to be snapped up and having no way to share it with you, the enthusiastic collector of Objects Dislodged From Larger Objects Owned (Or Perhaps Leased) By Celebrities. Behold the alleged passenger side headlight from Lindsay Lohan's recently (and infamously) totaled Mercedes:

By now, you may have figured out that Defamer has been plagued by technical difficulties (read: Nick Denton failed to transfer protection monies from secret Caymanian tax shelter to Hungarian Mob-run server company) all afternoon. We wish that the abrupt interruption of content was due to our drinking of a bottle of absinthe and relaxing in the "jacuzzi" (a large pothole filled with rainwater on the street outside Defamer HQ), but we were all out of absinthe. (Note to intern: messenger over a case of the stuff and a rubber duckie in case the problems reappear tomorrow.) Enjoy this smattering of end-of-the-day links until we return in the morning:
· If Details is to be believed, Chris Klein wasn't sent on an all-expenses paid trip to the Antarctica Celebrity Centre after ex-fiancée Katie Holmes found her true soulmate. Klein's totally out there and getting crazy laid, bro.
· Scotty's remains are getting launched into space. Accordingly, when William Shatner passes on, his ashes will be placed between the thighs of a nymphomaniac semihumanoid female alien.
· People will soon bestow its greatest honor, "The Sexiest Man Alive (Who Isn't Afraid Of Having His Career Or Love Life Destroyed By The Cover Jinx)." This is looking like Vin Diesel's lucky year!
· Suicidal celebrities, take note: If you follow through and tragically take your own life, your obit will inevitably reference your IMDb profile.

Were you awed by the $28 million asking price for Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's Beverly Hills Taj Mahal of Lost Love? Then Craigslist, your trusted online broker of ultra-high-end Hollywood real estate, is about to blow your mind:

In next week's issue of Life & Style, Fame responds, says Martin is "talentless" and "always insists on being the bottom."

· "Major" directors Cameron Crowe and Tony Scott are plunged into dark waters of existential anguish after being trounced by a shitty horror remake this weekend. [Variety]
· According to a THR report, NBC won't renew its NASCAR deal past 2006, preferring that all of the network's fiery wrecks occur on its primetime schedule. [THR]
· The proposed sale of DreamWorks grows still more complicated; despite press reports, Var says that NBC Universal has not increased its offer to buy Steven Spielberg's failed dreams, and new bidder Paramount has expressed its interest in being used as a ploy to drive up the price of the inevitable sale to NBC Uni. [Variety]
· Even if the other networks ran live coverage of Jesus Christ's return on Sunday night, ABC's Desperate Housewives would still trounce them in the Nielsens. [THR]
· Headline of the day: "Par sends Dunst to Iraq." Don't get your hopes up, she's been cast as a relief worker killed by suicide bomber, not punished by Paramount for Elizabethtown's weak opening. [Variety]

In a deal so absurd that it virtually defies any chance at parody, the good folks at Columbia, MGM, and Revolution Studios have lured Sylvester Stallone away from his nutritional pudding empire with the siren call of an utterly ill-advised sequel. What wonders does the sixth Rocky installment, Rocky Balboa (after V, Roman numerals get so unwieldy) hold? Stallone himself proudly demonstrated his advanced, self-developed Rocky Sequel Random Plot Generator software for Variety:

No matter how many times the tabloids run pictures of Vince Vaughn trying desperately to conceal his alleged, torrid, off-screen affair with emotionally crippled The Break-Up co-star Jennifer Aniston by making out in semipublic with a publicity stunt-double in a Rachel wig, we're going to be skeptical of all things Vaughniffer. What's it going to take to buy our black, cynical hearts? We'll start with a secret two million dollar wedding in Santa Barbara and three children via videotaped vaginal birth (with DNA test—sorry, kids, adoption and C-sections are off the table). Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have really driven our credulity quote sky high.

NBC, America's Most Desperate Network™, won a bidding war with CBS for Aaron Sorkin's Studio 7, a Larry Sanders-esque drama about a Saturday Night Live-ish variety show. Sorkin's previous credits include creating The West Wing and Sports Night, writing A Few Good Men, and exploring altered states of consciousness through the intake of various hallucinogens and narcotics. This is how the LAT concludes its piece on the Studio 7 sale:

Yes, it's Monday morning, and you're fighting the feeling that plunging your letter opener deep into your heart would be much less painful than the week ahead. Drown out the self-annihilating chatter with the weekend's box office numbers: