Flush with new capital (which, apparently, they didn't spend on Christmas gifts this year, according to a reader: "ICM got 100 million dollars and all we got was this lousy keychain," pictured above), a suddenly bold ICM might be bobbing for agents in CAA's shark tank. Says Page Six:

· Indeed, a puppy is a terrible Christmas present. Every animal lover knows that sheep are much more docile while being sodomized during the holidays.
· There's probably some Photoshop chicanery at play here, but just in case, here's a link to Eliza Dushku's alleged upstaging of a year's worth of nipple slips.
· We bet you've been unable to sleep for weeks, tormented by your ignorance of Woody Allen's feelings about London's weather or the status of Rivers Cuomo's celibacy pledge. Finally, closure!
· Soon-to-be celebrity footnote Nick Lachey's not going down without a fight.

While pajama party enthusiast-in-exile Michael Jackson enjoys a new life in Bahrain, presumably spending his days scouring burka boutiques in search of exciting new materials with which to mummify his children's heads, his now infamous Neverland Ranch lies in desperate disrepair. Saddest of all, his menagerie of exotic animals appears to be literally starving to death:

· Monday night music round-up: She Wants Revenge at the Troubadour (if you can't find tickets, turn on the radio and wait five seconds for their song to come on); Queens of the Stone Age at the Wiltern; Social Distortion at House of Blues on Sunset.
· Two of the Wayans brothers (The White Chicks ones, we think?) will be at the Virgin Megastore in Hollywood to celebrate their latest gift to the arts, their new comic book "Super Bad James Dynomite."
· Nattily attired and famous comedian Paul F. Tompkins hosts the appropriately named Paul F. Tompkins show at Largo.

We thought one post would probably be sufficient to cover the airborne publicity stunt circling the Fox lot, but we've had a couple of updates worth noting. One reader claims to have seen the plane circling the Hollywood and Highland complex, which makes us think that either a) allegedly wronged tacky hat-maker Ivy Supersonic worked a two-for-one deal on planes, or b) she also has a beef against the Virgin Megastore, Hot Topic, or some other faceless retail operation.

In a recent round of publicity interviews for Rob Reiner's latest cinematic reminder that the days of Spinal Tap and The Princess Bride are long over, Rumor Has It, Jennifer Aniston was paired with co-star Shirley MacLaine, who felt the need to protect the younger actress from the prying questions of reporters who had the audacity to broach the subject of her much-rumored-about personal life. But then wacky Auntie Shirley had to take the bodyguard act a smidge too far:

A reader encountered one of Hollywood's most-photographed starlets on Saturday at The Grove, our fine city's painstakingly crafted urbanesque shopping street and de facto celebrity petting zoo. Unfortunately, not even the artificial snow, towering nondenominational season-tree, and cheerful waters dancing to the strains of "Jingle Bell Rock" could fill her with holiday cheer after an encounter with some needy fans:

Perhaps lately you've taken notice of a recurring image on the streets of LA: a little buddha blissfully strumming a guitar, usually found on a Hollywood-type ass sashaying ahead of you. He should be smiling, because he's the logo for True Religion jeans, the $200-plus must-have clothing obsession of the moment. With the opening of their first store in Manhattan Beach, and plans for a wider expansion, the LAT gives the hot local company a closer look:

It's a scene that should melt the heart of even the most abused News Corp. employee: Fearless leader Rupert Murdoch settles into a high-backed leather chair in front of a crackling fire, snuggled underneath a red, velvet blanket, then orders the immediate execution of the incompetent charged with informing him that no number of reindeer will be sufficient in meeting his goal of flying to every one of his underlings' place of business to deliver his holiday wishes individually. His face twists in disappointment as he realizes that he'll have to settle for an unacceptably impersonal mass e-mail, in which a celebration of the year's accomplishments always seems overpowered by a call to resist the complacency engendered by the largely successful world domination plan of the past year. Also, he is greedily licking an enormous candy cane:

· King Kong takes in a "respectable" $63.4 million at the international box office over the weekend, while the fourth Harry Potter seemingly mocks the ape by becoming the 20th film to cross the $700 million mark. [Variety]
· West Wing writers face a daunting task after John Spencer's sudden death, not helped by the fact that his character was featured in a flash-forward sequence taking place three years in the future earlier this season. (Correction: According to people who actually watch the show, Spencer's character didn't appear in the flash-forward, which apparently would've cause all manner of spoiler problems. We regret passing along faulty information.) [THR]
· Amazing! Even in limited release, Brokeback Mountain just might be succeeding with some non-gays! [Variety]
· Doomed third circle of development hell project Watchmen is picked up by Warner Bros, who likely will torture fans of the comic book with the prospect of production before ultimately stuffing it head-first into a hole with some disgraced popes. [THR]
· The Academy snubs Sin City in its visual FX nominations, which we believe was payback for Jessica Alba playing a stripper but showing nary a nipple. [Variety]

The sudden passing of West Wing actor John Spencer leaves the show's writers with the logistical problem of finishing the season without him. USA Today uses the occasion to compile an exhaustive chart chronicling how past TV productions dealt with the sudden, inconvenient removal of a cast member by the icy finger of the Reaper:

Confident that L. Ron Hubbard's Media Outreach Technicians would have a hard time disappearing its entire Spring Street headquarters into a white van (if they lose a couple of reporters, well, they're making staff reductions anyway), the LAT takes its readers inside the Church of Scientology's Gilman Hot Springs resort/hive, where the Public Face of Scientology, one Tom Cruise, reportedly alternated long stints of religious training with being worshipped like a king (or a studio boss):

Publicist (and maker of hats so obnoxious Pamela Anderson wears them) Ivy Supersonic has hired a plane to circle the Fox lot to bring attention to her legal battle with the studio, which she claims stole an animated character from her for their Ice Age movie. (At least we think that's going on.) Leave it to a flack to know how to stage a stunt that will catch people's attention:

With the season of holiday parties upon us, you may notice an increase in sobriety checkpoints on the road. Should you find yourself in the mortifying situation of being stopped after having had one too many, remain calm and cooperative. Alternately, you can choose the route Lost's Michelle Rodriguez opted for upon her recent DUI arrest angrily requesting to have the officer blow your brains out:

"Look, do you have any idea how many calls I had to make to get FAO Schwarz for your birthday party? OK, it was one, and someone at the Centre made it, but that's not the point. You are going. To eat. This cake. I know that you're watching your figure, but you're supposed to be pregnant, remember? There's plenty of room underneath that stomach pad for a couple of more pounds. If anything, it'll be more convincing if you actually put on some weight. No? You're not going to eat this cake? Oh, missy, I think you are. Check your contract. Yes, I realize I say that a lot, but I wouldn't have to if you weren't so resistant to improvising every once in a while.. Now when I grab a fistful of your hair, and I'm not going to lie, it's gonna hurt a bit because I'm a little amped up right now— you open your mouth like a good girl and get ready for a faceful of the finest Fudgey the Whale money can buy. Oh, don't worry about the candles. They'll go out before your skinny face hits the cake."

Take refuge in the box office numbers, knowing that there are a mere five days (or fewer) days between you and the sweet, sweet release of the holidays.

· Critics everywhere fall all over themselves heaping praise and going Golden Globe gaga over the gay cowboy movie, further pushing us to a fearsome Brokeback Police State, where any criticism above a hushed whisper will result in you being instantly shot (a dirty gay look).
· Meanwhile, the $207 million dollar "little monkey" is performing way below expectations, sending Universal execs out very jittery and questioning their "gut reactions" over the weekend.
· The Week in Paramount/DreamWorks: Brad Grey drunk dials his entire company, with a gushy e-mail trumpeting the successful suctioning of DreamWorks into the Paramount machine. Later that week, everyone gets an iPod shuffle, the iPod no one wants, and Grey offers JJ Abrams everything short of an SKG fourgy if he would defect from Disney to his lot.
· There is a killer loose at William Morris, and he wants your fish.
· UTA's "Lucky Bars" are sent to virtually every assistant in Hollywood, and are greedily consumed without anyone noticing the tiny bugging chip planted in every nougatty center. Within one week, there isn't a secret in this city UTA doesn't know.
· Benderspink's 2005 Christmas card is a pedophile's legal loophole dream come true.
· Lions Gates' Lionsgate's bold new look leaves us a little...confused.
· Because a movie isn't truly cursed with bad luck until its star is sent to rehab mid-production, Miami Vice's Colin Farrell takes a little "exhaustion holiday."
· Kitson now carries Asian orphans.
· Brandon Routh's lunchbox thermos is causing problems for Superman Returns. His response: choke on it!
· He judged American Idol. Now he's judging feet. So he has the experience. Why isn't Quentin Tarantino being nominated for the Supreme Court?
· Dave Chappelle's finances come out in court. We've heard the legends of blunts rolled in $100 bills. Now we believe them. And was Oprah trying to scare Dave into stopping his show? You decide.
· Steve Guttenberg is under the mistaken impression that he's sitting on Chappelle money. It makes for great comedy, though!
· Where's Ben Affleck? Elsewhere! Selling stuff!
· Britney Spears and Kevin Federline catch a Grove screening of Memoirs of a Geisha. Kevin wants to leave early, making us wonder if perhaps this guy is brighter than he lets on.

· Us Weekly, your go-to source for up-to-the-second status reports about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's failed marriage, is the first to report (and don't you forget it, People bitches) that Simpson officially filed for divorce today, mere months after the entire world knew the relationship was long dead.
· For a little while today, this article was accompanied by the picture of Michael Jackson you see at the left instead of one of Samuel L. Jackson—which made gave the whole Dream Keep award discussed seem a lot more sinister.
· The Gilded Moose teaches us all about the various period Texan hairstyles inflicted upon Anne Hathaway in Brokeback Mountain.
· It's likely that many of you have seen this before, but whatever, we feel like linking it anyway: bear on a trampoline.

A little while ago, an e-mail with a link to a website called The Chappelle Theory arrived in our inbox. We spent the next 45 minutes devouring the whole thing, and it's either the single most paranoid screed or the best straight-faced satire we've ever read. Here's how it begins:

Friday
· ESPN's Sports Guy, the inimitable (and regrettably Red Sox-obsessed) Bill Simmons, signs his book Now I Can Die in Peace at Barnes & Noble at The Grove. And if you get him started, he'll discuss the relative merits of The OC's Coop and Summer for a solid hour while scribbling his name in your book.
· The Egyptian Theatre goes appropriately apeshit for old-school Kong flicks, with Son of Kong tonight and the 1933 King Kong tomorrow night.
Saturday
· The Not For Tourists folks will pour free vodka down your throat between 9:30-10:30pm at their release party at Guy's, and the first 350 people who remember to print out and bring an invite get a free NFT guide.
· We're not sure what exactly will go on at A John Waters Christmas (at UCLA's Royce Hall), but we hope that he's not going to dress special guest Peaches in a Santa suit and make her eat reindeer poop.
· VH1's Rachel Harris (it seems she belongs to a basic cable channel now) joins the Upright Citizens Brigade's storied ASSSSCAT (four s's, check) improv mob as a guest monologist.
Sunday
· The Skirball's Hanukkah Family Festival will not involve a campy John Waters take on the holiday. We hope.
· You will be far too exhausted after a fight to the near-death over a video iPod at the Grove Apple Store to even consider any kind of leisure activity. You should've finished your shopping three weeks ago, sucker.