Some might view the nominations of Brokeback Mountain, Capote, and Transamerica as a great step forward for the gay/lesbian/transgender communities, but Brokeback's failure to cap The Year of the Gay Cowboy with the Best Picture trophy provides easy fodder for those who think that Hollywood "got the message" that America's not ready to buy season tickets to the gay rodeo:
What better way to enjoy the Oscars in this, the year of media coverage overload, than by enhancing your viewing party with any of the multiple liveblogging Oscar extravaganzas (including yours truly's) that lit up the internets last night. For those of you who passed on dragging your last-generation Dell tower into the living room, however, here's a round-up of what you missed:
Quite frankly, we're a little paralyzed by all of the post-Oscar nonsense we need to cover (the epic hangover isn't helping things, either), but we figured That Thing On Charlize Theron's Shoulder is a pretty good place to start. As Jon Stewart mentioned early on in the ceremony, a "return to glamour" was a running theme of the night, but the folks at Dior decided that they needed to supplement Theron's otherwise classic gown with a bow twice the size of the actress's head, the formal-wear equivalent of a pirate's parrot perched on her delicate shoulder. Thankfully, Theron left the diamond-encrusted eyepatch from Harry Winston's in the limo, sparing us all further embarrassment.
Like any other self-respecting starlet who looks in the mirror a week before the Oscars and decides that things are looking a touch saggy, Defamer had a little work done to make ourselves presentable for the ceremony. (Given the way things turned out with Best Picture, though, we probably should've just cut out our crow's feet with a shard of a broken mirror, which would've been a lot less painful.) Have a look around, and if you see anything that doesn't seem to be working properly (like if Mr. Defamer's eye doesn't seem to follow you around the room), drop us a line and let us know. We'd hate to walk around all day with some unsightly flaps of skin hanging loosely around our ears.
Welcome to our second annual Oscars liveblog. If you feel a little dirty about being here while the show's on (seriously, who watches TV while on the computer?), think about the guy who's sitting in the middle of a party and ignoring everyone while tapping away at a laptop in between swigs of champagne punch. (Sorry, no keg beer this year. We're fancy-like now, y'all.)
Maybe we won't be getting any uncomfortable (yet spectacular) handsy moments out of E! red carpet titty inspector Isaac Mizrahi. It seems that Mizrahi has been placed behind a protective hedge (top photo above, chatting with Best Supporting actress nominee Amy Adams), making it more difficult for the designer to grab a handful; an uncomfotable lunge towards an unsuspecting bosom can now easily be sidestepped, and would likely send him toppling over the restraining bushes. But we can still use tricks of perspective to manufacture our own fun, as the second picture makes it look as if Mizrahi's outstretched claw is poised to rend Jennifer Jason Leigh's dress, producing some much-needed pre-show controversy.
Oscar Overload: · Elton John's Oscar party to feature edible chocolate waiters and gift bags made of, and filled with, solid gold.
· We ring the death knell on Brokeback parodies. Then go on to make our thousandth Brokeback joke.
· Cash bar, people, and may we remind you we...uh, we mean they, work for tips.
· Greenroom's beige.
· The man who found the time to out his high school drama teacher in his acceptance speech lectures nominees on how to keep things on topic.
· Just like the LA it portrays, no one involved in making Crash seems capable of getting along.
· Gropegate! Scarlett fights back! But Isaac swears the handsiness will go on.
And elsewhere: · Stacey Snider indeed leaves Universal to head up day-to-day operations of Paramount's DreamWorks. Brad Grey is thrilled, even though he isn't firing anyone.
· Jeremy Piven is a does the Worm.
· We now know that Lindsay Lohan has definitely been in a room with a bong.
· Eddie Murphy's dirty little she-male secrets are coming back to haunt him.
· Ooh! Neat! There really is a bunny logo beneath her right breast!
· And nothing over hers!
· Moonves vs. Stern is a media titan fight we wouldn't mind watching play out.
· Make your vagina famous!
· The only portion of the Supreme Court proceedings Anna Nicole Smith understood was when they announced, "We will now break for lunch."
· Don Knotts and Darren McGavin recently added to Oscar telecast.
· Drew Lachey wins Dancing with the Stars, and offers his own take on the gay cowboy waddle.
· Amanda Scheer Demme vs. Brent Bolthouse and the little matter of "selling out to the Jew."
· This might be Paris Hilton eating pancakes. Or it might some footage of a chicken slaughtering plant. Frankly, it's too blurry to tell.
· Arrested Development inches closer to a new home at Showtime.
· Welcome to the new generation of TV execs: the underwear-free version!
· Spider-Man 3 is sad, wet and black.
· Hermione likes it with lime.
· Joe Rogan, I hate you...you're not funny...
Strapped for an Oscar date with the ceremony less than two days away? Craigslist, provider of creative solutions to virtually any kind of Hollywood problem, is more than happy to play matchmaker. Why pay hundreds (or even thousands) of dollars to hire an escort—who'll probably just drug you and steal your wallet while you muse aloud about saving him/her from "the life"—when companionship like this is only a click away?
Friday
· If you're important enough to be invited, we don't need to tell you that tonight is ICM philosopher-king Ed Limato's pre-Oscar party. We suggest that if you're not on the list, tie up your boss and torture him until he gives up his invitation. Once you bring out the car battery and the nipple clamps, he'll cave. Trust us. Then make sure you report back to us about how much fun you had.
· Anyone worth knowing has at least a passing interest in attending Lebowski Fest West, tonight at the Knitting Factory and tomorrow at the Cal Bowl in Lakewood. In the Dude we trust.
Saturday
· Music round-up: Blackalicious at the Roxy; Yeah Yeah Yeahs begin their two-night sold out stand at the Troubadour; Van Morrison at the Wiltern.
· The Weinsteins are throwing their party at the Pacific Design Center at 5pm. Don't even bother. The free drinks aren't worth being strangled to death by Harvey should he catch you crashing.
Sunday
· Joe Rogan, now known as the multi-millionaire tae kwan do champ who fights via email with 20-year-old college kids, will be at the Comedy Store. Making millions.
· Hollywood's Biggest Night. Fuck, it's the World's Biggest Night, as over 130 billion people will tune in to watch the entertainment industry collectively break its back in the the largest-scale display of autoeroticism of the year. We'll be liveblogging the ceremony (here's last year's cry for help), so please stop by. Our feelings will be hurt if no one shows up to our party and we're left clutching our laptop in solitude.
· The Carpetbagger puts a camera in the face of his buttoned-down colleagues at the NY Times to see who the East Coast media elite is rooting for. (More often that not they are rooting for their own blissful ignorance of anything that has to do with Hollywood.) [The Carpetbagger]
· The O-Factor is liveblogging rehearsals from inside the Kodak theater. They don't want to give anything away, but one bit involves Tom Hanks getting punched in the stomach repeatedly. This is going to be the best Oscars ever! [The O-Factor]
· Greener celebs will be making their way to the ceremonies in all sorts of eco-friendly vehicles, including Honda Civics powered by natural gas, Ford Hybrid Escapes, and on the saddle-equipped backs of their personal assistants. [Treehugger]
· For some reason, Charlize Theron bringing her mother as her date isn't nearly as funny to us as the year Kevin Spacey brought his. [Us Blog]
· Ann Coulter takes great pains not to offend anyone with her Best Picture plot summaries. ("Munich: Jew athletes at Munich had it coming.") [AnnCoulter.com]
· Double your Oscar pool fun with TVgasm's Oscar Ballot ("Worst Presenter." Hmm...Owen Wilson is the favorite, but could Salma Hayek surprise us all?) [TVgasm]
Girlhacker's Random Log has compiled its fourth annual list of the contents of the official Oscar gift bag from collected press releases, news stories, and publicist whispers. Among the usual smattering of expensive trips that go largely unredeemed, luxury knickknacks, and fancy cheeses (yup!) is this incredibly valuable freebie for the family member most neglected on awards night:
If you're not a subscriber to Defamer's daily text messaging service, you missed out on incredibly important news flashes like these delivered directly to your cellphone:
Final preparations for Sunday's Oscar telecast include today's crucial run-throughs for the show's elaborate set pieces aimed at minimizing the chances of a misfire in front of a live, worldwide audience of tens of millions of viewers. At left, one of the Academy's celebrated Gay Cowboy Dancers escorts the critical prop for the presentation of the nominees for Best Original Score, during which a seven-foot Oscar (covered in a giant prophylactic as a concession to the safe sex lobby) will be inserted into the thirty-foot statue at center stage as the orchestra recreates the opening strains of Gustavo Santaolalla's haunting Brokeback Mountain theme.
Perhaps the airport's brain-scrambling metal detectors were the source of Paula's bizarre behavior at the taping last night, which she did manage to get to on time, in body at least. When asked for insights and words of encouragement for departing contestants, Abdul was barely able to get out some indecipherable food-related sentiments before erupting into a cascade of giggles and tumbling into Simon Cowell's lap (partial video above):
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put sighting or PrivacyWatch in the subject line) so everyone can know about the time you and Ben "Gandhi" Kingsley fought over the last container of Trader Joe's rice pudding.
New Line signs up John Travolta and Queen Latifah to star in the movie adaptation of the Hairspray musical, with Travolta logically playing the role originated by Divine, John Waters' cross-dressing muse. What? Travolta and Divine both have unusually large heads, OK? [Variety]
THR notes that this year's Oscar season is full of "serious" nominees, relatively devoid of dirty campaigning. Yeah, we kind of miss Harvey Weinstein, too. [THR]
Hollywood proves it can be generous when promised a big party, as Variety and Jeffrey Kazenberg's Night Before event has raised $6 million for the Motion Picture and Television Fund. [Variety]
MTV2 makes a content deal with YouTube, enabling the website to serve up annoying Andy Milonakis clips alongside its already impressive catalogue of Brokeback parodies. [THR]
The Idol ratings juggernaut has a dark side (well, besides the obvious ones): Wednesday night's show drove Lost to a season low number for a first-run episode. Not cool, Fox. Hey, how about counterprogramming Desperate Housewives instead? [Variety]
Yesterday, Scarlett Johansson finally offered her thoughts on The Grope, the now-infamous moment when E! man-on-the-carpet Isaac Mizrahi hand-tested the jiggle of Johansson's spectacularly swaddled rack. Today, USA Today says that a mystified Mizrahi has shrugged off the controversy and is ready to mix it up for Oscar:
It's at moments like this that Oscar attendees really start cursing the fact that it's a cash bar this year: Mel Gibson has revealed to Time magazine that he will be appearing on the Oscars, cleverly keeping the ABC censors on their toes and the audience in the dark by speaking only in the language of the ancient Mayans:
