· Eva Longoria has apparently told Allure magazine that boyfriend Tony Parker has slept with only one other person in his life and that she's the "teacher" in their relationship. This might be a really dumb question, but do you ever think it occurs to her to not say the stupidest fucking possible thing when someone turns on a tape recorder? Just wonderin'.
Ever since StreetWars loosed its assassins on LA's population at midnight on Sunday, their blog has been a reliably entertaining time waster. It's all fun and games until someone with a SuperSoaker gets mistaken for a gangbanger and gunned down by the LAPD.
Losanjealous has our livers' backs with their St. Patricks' Day Boozing Guide.
Quick, how many puns can you think of involving popular snack food brands and slang for marijuana? Probably not this many.
· Oops, we forgot: Tomorrow is the big assistant Beirut/beer pong tourney at El Guapo. We expect full reports in our inbox by Monday morning! Especially if someone gets into a fight with a Benderspink guy.

Friday
· We've heard a rumor that today is St. Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, Jeeves wasn't too helpful when we asked him, "Where can I get shitfaced on green beer in Los Angeles?". But we're confident that most of us will find a way to cram ourselves into Tom Bergin's or Molly Malone's or the Tam O'Shanter without his help.
· Moby headlines the URB 15th Anniversary Issue Relase Party at Avalon. $25 at the door, but a small price to pay to confirm in person that Moby is indeed still alive and performing.
Saturday · Looking for something to do from midnight to 6 a.m.? The LA Philharmonic's Minimalist Jukebox Festival Kickoff Party will help you roll right up until sunrise. [via flavorpill]
· VH1 and Diane Von Furstenberg hook up and somehow turn shopping into an act of charity to benefit the Save The Music Foundation. Sounds like black magic to us, but it's still a good cause.
Sunday
· Ah, here's where the music round-up has been hiding: Art Brut at the Troubadour; The Warlocks at the House of Blues on Sunset.
· If that green beer hangover wasn't potent enough to linger until Sunday, consider trying harder next year as you watch people far more health conscious than you running for running's sake in the LA Marathon.

At the risk of completely sacrificing this St. Patrick's Day on the altar of All Things Cruise-Related, an operative submitted this report from last night's premiere of Thank You For Smoking, which, of course, stars Cruise fianc e and onetime actress Katie Holmes. It seems that Holmes was too busy with JumboTron PDAs down in Anaheim to join her castmates at the event, and our man-on-the-scene speculates that the "Hollywood establishment" (and her director) didn't miss her one bit:

Regardless of where you stood on the "love-tolerate-hate-Jon Stewart-Oscar-hosting-assessment-continuum," the numbers don't lie: 100,000 additional viewers not-hated his performance enough to tune into The Daily Show in the days following the telecast for an extra helping of his pointed political satire and overcooked double takes:

Not content to have already wreaked havoc on the institution of America's Sweetheart by plucking Katie Holmes from a promising acting career and transforming her into the world's most famous watermelon smuggler, Cruise took steps to spoil America's Pastime by splashing his suspicious relationship all over Anaheim's JumboTron. Says an operative at last night's US vs. Mexico WBC game:

It's been nearly two weeks since Three 6 Mafia shocked the world by edging out Dolly Parton's sex-change ditty and Kathleen "Bird" York's ballet of intolerance to win Best Song at the Oscars. Since then, it has been one non-stop party for the crew, rolling with none other than kindred spirit Paris Hilton. (Video of their charming shenanigans made available by TMZ.com.) Not that there hasn't been controversy: The Beastie Boys may have started an all-out Southern vs. Northeast Hebe hip hop turf war when Mike D. recently told a South by Southwest press conference, "Nothing against them, but we think Dolly Parton was robbed." Terrence Howard was equally unimpressed, telling AOL Black Voices:

Join us in celebrating our very public love for this week's sponsors, whom we would never disrespect with stories that we're dating other advertisers in Europe. If you'd like to buy a piece of our devotion by advertising on Defamer, see this page.

Tom Wopat, much like his Dukes of Hazzard alter ego Luke Duke, has found himself on the wrong side of the law. In an incident worthy of any Hazzard episode, Wopat nearly rammed his car into a police vehicle, a scenario rendered less hilarious when the officer on duty wasn't a bumbling moron with a Bassett Hound for a sidekick but rather a New Jersey patrolman with a breathalyzer:

New Universal chairmen Marc Shmuger and David Linde plan on working so closely together that they'll even share an office. Reports Var: "'The way we're thinking about it is we're going to reconfigure space so that it is where people will go and decisions will be made,' Shmuger said. 'Geographically and organizationally and even spiritually we'll be connected.'" It's going to be so adorable when they start finishing each other's sentences after their shared morning hot yoga sessions! [Variety]
Demi Moore is in final negotiations to play a tough detective (read: occasionally swears, wears a miniskirt) chasing the Kevin Costner/ William Hurt Jekyll and Hyde characters in Mr. Brooks. [THR]
Universal co-chair and Focus co-president David Linde's new closeness (see above) to Marc Shmuger should not upset his bliss with Focus partner Jim Schamus. This is Hollywood, after all, where mature adults reach understandings about such delicate arrangements all the time. [Variety]
"Burlesque-style dancing troupe" Pussycat Dolls are looking to break into reality TV, looking to bring their semitalented versatility in the singing and gyrating arenas to the small screen. [THR]
Perhaps the only thing the world needs less than another reality show (see Pussycat Dolls item) is another talking-heads pop-culture show. Still, E! plans their own Best Week Ever-style series, The Daily 10, featuring people rehashing the day's headlines. Not to be confused with E!'s The Soup which is a weekly series. [Variety]

The agency world has inflicted a pretty severe case of blueballs on an entertainment industry ready for the release that only a major shark-shop merger can provide. Today's Page Six reports that the recently rumored Endeavor-UTA deal might be closing, finally releasing some of Hollywood's tension:

As expected, Paramount has sold the DreamWorks film library to a group headed by billionaire George Soros for $900 million, thus greatly defraying the cost of Paramount emperor Brad Grey's early Christmas gift to himself. We can't be bothered to read the press release announcing the boring details of the sale, but because we're committed to recreating the experience of being employed by Viacom for our readers, we're happy to pass along CEO Tom Freston's internal e-mail about the deal. It's just like being on the Melrose lot and wondering if there's any way your coroporate overlords can transition seemingly good news into a fresh round of layoffs!

Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson's personal Xanadu built on a million candy cane dreams and Underoos-bottom nightmares, has been suffering dearly from neglect as its owner reconfigures his life in Bahrain. First, his large staff of llama wranglers and cotton candy engineers were barred by officials from reporting to work due to hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid wages. Then, after he managed to somehow come up with the money, Jackson decided to shut down the estate and lay his staff off:

It's been over half a year since Samuel L. Jackson issued the famous words that ignited a very special kind of buzz for B-movie masterwork Snakes on a Plane: "You either want to see that, or you don t."

The attorney for South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone issued this official statement to us via e-mail late yesterday addressing the Scientology-clowning, Tom-Cruise-baiting "Trapped in the Closet" episode that Comedy Central quietly disappeared on Wednesday night, reportedly because of threats Cruise made to parent company Viacom. And yes, it's really from their lawyer:

· The already five-flavors-of-genius site StuffOnMyCat.com takes an evolutionary leap of the dreamy-eyed kind. [via Gilded Moose]
· Relentlessly quotable nutjob Sharon Stone sez: "In America we tend to erase women after 40, and it's a period when women become their most interesting." Especially when they're still willing to do the kind of exploitative full frontal scenes that they did in their early 30s.
Natalie Portman's chrome-domed (but still freakishly hot) turn in V for Vendetta will almost certainly challenge the all-time bald chick box office record.
What does Sienna Miller have to do with high-performance radials? Who the f cares? She's naked.
· ClooneyGate: The Inevitable T-Shirt.

Who among us wasn't thrilled to hear that Ice Cube, the rap artist behind such hits as "Get Off My Dick and Tell Yo Bitch to Come Here," and "Fuck Dying" would be taking over the beloved title role in the movie adaptation of Welcome Back, Kotter. Gabe Kaplan, the original Kotter, told Access Hollywood Cube "is the perfect guy... He has shown what kind of crossover appeal he has." Even the original Horshack, Ron Palillo, was approached for comment; after jokingly suggesting he "should play Mr. Woodman," he then managed to put a swift, awkward end to all the nostalgic fun with this downer of a story:

· The Vagina Monologues brings an all-star cast to the Wilshire Ebell Theatre, featuring Meredith Baxter (of Family Ties and Lifetime Network fame), Ananda Lewis (a Simon Rex-era MTV VJ, we seem to remember) and MC Lyte (sure to be tapped fro a future Celebrealtiy show). If that crowd's not your speed, Jimmy Pardo's running his trap over in Hollywood.
· Architecture nerds, unite: Author Diane Kanner will hold a discussion on her new book about architect-to-the-stars Wallace Neff at the Los Feliz Branch Library at 6:45pm. [via LAist]
· If you need to drown out the pain of your college's shocking NCAA tourney upset with music, go here: Shawn Mullins at the Troubadour; the Rock Against Racism show with Aztland Underground at the Echo; Toots & the Maytals at the House of Blues.

One of our operatives on the Paramount lot dropped us a note to let us know that the studio is currently hosting the Spider-Man 3 shoot for about a week, so we thought we'd use our exclusive satellites (available only to those with absurdly exclusive "web browser" technology) and a little Photoshop to illustrate his report:

A pair of ex-Seinfeld writers, Gregg Kavet and Andy Robin, not suprisingly edged out Andy Dick's cinematic ode to caninelingus to win the top film prize at this year's South by Southwest festival. The movie, called Live Free or Die, was shot in New Hampshire under very State and Main-type circumstances: i.e., Hollywood descends on small town, culture clash ensues. Refreshingly, the filmmakers didn't honeydip their thoughts on the locals when they recently spoke with the AP:

The mere possibility that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie might want to make their orphan-sharing plan a little more official at George Clooney's (that guy again?) villa on Italy's Lake Como has sent the celebrity-stalking press scouring the nearby town for evidence of the supposedly impending, super-secret nuptials. And while the locals are either sweetly naive or playing it coy ("We don't have any bookings under their or their agents' names, maybe because it will be an intimate celebration," Reuters reports a luxury hotel flack as saying, as if the couple wouldn't check in under names like "Rodney Washboard" and "Elvira Hotpants"), reporters find themselves killing time in hopes of hitting the jackpot: