We realize that those of you lucky enough to have scored a pair of tickets to Hollywood's biggest night might be too preoccupied with last-minute preparations to focus on hunting down your evening's crowning accessory: a poised and stunning arm-candy specimen, well-versed in red carpet and after-party etiquette (e.g. standing three feet behind your date at all times; smiling always, but never too broadly; remaining completely mute unless otherwise instructed, etc.). With time quickly running out, and escort services charging higher premiums than ever, it's hardly surprising that the desperate romantically adventurous should turn to Craigslist for their Oscar-night-companionship needs:

· Music round-up: Silverchair at the El Rey; Great Glass Elevator at the Troubadour; The Minor Canon at Sea Level Records in Echo Park.
· The Skirball hosts a (rare!) screening of super-intelligent-killer-ant-film classic Phase IV. We hesitate to call it a "cult" film so as not to marginalize its place in killer-ant-film history. Five bucks.
· Courtney Vance and Angela Bassett will sign their new book, Friends - A Love Story, at Eso Wan Books. We love it when famous people sign books! It almost makes them seem like they're real.

With less than two hours left before the official 5 p.m. deadline for all the Oscar ballots lovingly completed by busy Academy members' undocumented domestics (really, who has time to watch all those screeners?) to arrive at the L.A. office of PriceWaterhouseCoopers, it seems like a good time to look at what happens once all the votes are in and carefully tabulated by AMPAS's anointed bean-counters. Reuters describes the "ritualistic secrecy" that ensures the integrity of the process:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in with the kind of enthusiasm you usually reserve for new episodes of Medium and lovemaking. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Jay Mohr having his toenails done.

No, without video, we suppose there's no way we can know for sure that the slurry, off-key karaoke warbling attributed to Tara Reid is actually hers (from a performance at Sundance this year, we're told), but we're willing to take it on faith that the stunning sounds we're hearing were emitted from Reid's golden throat. (Those obsessed with the forensic examination of all available audio evidence can compare this recording to her infamous Endless New Year's Eve Countdown in Chicago.) Truly, never have the lyrics "every now and then I fall apart" been delivered with such poignancy.

· If Little Miss Sunshine takes Best Picture, the two beaming faces you won't see collecting their little molded golden men are Ron Yerxa and Albert Berger (pictured), who were the unlucky two lopped off the list to satisfy the academy's "three producers" rule, also known as the Feud-O-Matic. [The Envelope]
· The French Union of Film Critics awarded Private Fears in Public Places (aka Coeurs) Best Gallic Film, and Volver Best Foreign Film, aka the The Best Anyone Could Do Considering They Weren't French Award. [Variety]
· In further cinéma awards news, the Jutras* (*Quebec's Genies†!) (†Canada's Oscars!) gave its top prize to Congorama. [THR]
· Some thoughts on the differences between making your Oscar pool picks and sports pool pics. Gentlemen, start your "You're probably gay" jokes...now. [SI.com]
· Reuters still wants to get to the bottom of whether or not Dreamgirls was the victim of Academy racism, and will keep asking experts until they get a theory-validating "Maybe!" [Reuters]

It seems that Britney Spears' family has determined that this weekend's head-shearing, cheesy-tattoo-procuring (we're still waiting to hear that she secretly got one of pink dolphins swimming in a happy little circle around her navel) meltdown was not the act of someone for whom a daylong DemonCleanse at the Crossroads Centre was a sufficient rehabilitation option, as she's reportedly been checked in to another defective-celebrity refurbishing facility. According to the Enquirer, the lucky spa-hab outlet is Promises Malibu, which will put Spears just a quick jaunt up the PCH away from tonight's fund-raising after-party at David Geffen's place; the first real test of her commitment to sobriety may come when she's forced to decide whether to stick out the night at Promises or call someone from her enabling circle to spring her so they can "try to crash that thing for Barky Bama's birthday or whatever."

· Imagine's Brian Grazer will superproduce an utterly unneeded "American version" of the film Cache for Universal, from which partner Ron Howard will drain all nuance by "amp[ing] up the suspense and consequences" should he choose to direct it. [Variety]
· Satellite Radio Mergermania! Sirius and XM announce their intentions to combine into a single corporate entity—if the FCC approves a move that would result in the unholy pairing of Oprah Winfrey and Howard Stern on a single provider. [THR]
· In a move that should surprise only those reading the trades for the first time today after waking up from a three-year coma, Lionsgate and Twisted Pictures are going ahead with a fourth Saw movie, timed for a Halloween weekend release later this year. [Variety]
· Last night's episode of Heroes remained "scorching hot" in the 18-49 demographic; somewhat less engulfed in Nielsen's flame is Studio 60, which had its second consecutive week of record-low ratings. (We TiVo'd S60, so we're unable to make a reference to how Matt's battle with his pill-popping, hallucinated alter ego turned out. We regret being part of Sorkin's time-shifting problem.) [THR]
· Ghost Rider's total take over the three-day weekend is $51.5 million; that's the all-time Presidents Day weekend record, if you're into relatively meaningless box office statistics. [Variety]

Michelle Rodriguez, who last year found her Lost character falling victim to a network-president-ordered /showrunner-sanctioned hit, is no stranger to the wrong side of the law, having served time both in LA and Hawaii for various well-publicized DUI offenses. "But what's her side of the story?" you've not likely asked yourself. The Lost Blog guides us to Rodriguez's own site, where she finally opens up about the rough justice she suffered at the hands of the corrupt American penal system that forced her to do 4 hours and 27 minutes of a 60-day sentence. It's all in there: The cockroach droppings! The alcohol-sensing robo-bracelet! The disparity between TV and film payscales! Read on, if you dare:

With the Oscars less than a week away, there is precious little time remaining for actresses to undergo the kind of physical fine-tuning that will allow them to bypass having the marrow sucked from their bones by red carpet vultures like Joan Rivers and Isaac Mizrahi; at this point, those still requiring cosmetic intervention probably have no choice but to head for a combination donkey show/dermatology clinic in Tijuana and hope that hastily performed procedures will spare them the humiliation of being spotted in the unforgivable act of having a flaw on Hollywood's Biggest Night. The Sunday NY Times surveyed a number of celebrity dermatologists, trying to precisely pinpoint what body parts better-prepared attendees have already had paralyzed in preparation for the ceremony:

As a newly suedeheaded Britney Spears enjoys the fruits of her follicularly unencumbered, wash n' go lifestyle, the early spring cleaning continues for America's Unhinged Sweetheart, as The Scoop notes she has put the Beverly Hills home she only recently purchased back on the market:

By way of update on the Anna Nicole Smith situation: Yes, still dead, as the voodoo priestess that TMZ has contracted to temporarily resurrect her, Weekend at Bernies II style, to lead them to Dannielynn's real father has so far failed to achieve any positive results with his black magic. Until their midwife of darkness succeeds in reviving Smith, they'll have to settle for Anna Nicole living on only by means of the constantly surfacing videos like the one that aired on Fox News Channel last night, reminding us of the tragic starlet's endearing love of heavily self-medicated clowns.

Just in case your assistant has forgotten to pencil it into your calendar, tonight is the $2,300 per person fundraiser/pre-coronation ceremony for Barack Obama that begins at the Beverly Hilton and ends at David Geffen's Malibu compound (the parade from the hotel to the beach, during which kingmaking DreamWorks billionaires Geffen, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and Steven Spielberg will take turns carrying the senator on their shoulders, is expected to be spectacular), where Hollywood's hottest presidential hopeful will officially receive his much-anticipated reacharound from industry players who were able to scare up 20 well-monied Friends of Barry for the event. In an effort to keep out undesirables, only those who've ponied up their tribute will be allowed to join in the festivities. Reports the NY Times:

· Australian customs officials search Sylvester Stallone's hotel room and private jet, suspecting the actor of smuggling his fading acting career into the country.
· Britney Spears' head-shaving meltdown may hurt her traditional endorsement opportunities, but could open up exciting new ones with companies like Omega, manufacturer of the clipper that's so easy to use, "Even a pop star in the middle of a nervous breakdown can do it!™"
· And if nothing else, Spears can try the acting thing again.
· Oki Dog finally brings home an A! We knew they were just underachieving.
· Breaking: Four-legged duckling twice as adorable as the bipedal variety.

· A Very Special Presidents Day Music Round-Up: Twilight Sleep at Spaceland; The Lowstars at the Hotel Café; Rock N' Roll Fantasy Camp Battle of the Bands Final, with performances by Paul Stanley and Dickey Betts, at House of Blues.
· TV writer Allen Rucker signs The Best Seat in the House: How I Woke Up One Tuesday and Was Paralyzed for Life at Vroman's, a memoir about his sudden paralysis, at Vroman's. The blurb promises the experience is much funnier and more uplifting than it might initially seem.
· Meet the Oscars at Hollywood and Highland gives you a chance to fondle an actual Oscar statuette without having to offer a sexual favor to an award winner. We can't guarantee that the staff working the event won't make similar demands, however. The Academy's love is never truly free. [via Cheapskatin' LA]

We hate to return to the subject of Britney Spears' shorn skull again on our abbreviated "holiday" schedule, but we felt it necessary to follow up our earlier post about the rampant fraud being perpetrated on the eBays with exciting news about the unique opportunity ("of a lifetime"!) to acquire the genuine tangle of chemically abused hair famously liberated from its imprisonment on Spears' scalp during her Valley-spanning Friday night meltdown. The savvy proprietors of Tarzana's hottest head-shaving salon have now established a web presence to facilitate the sale of the locks, which the winning bidder (reserve price: $1 million*, which includes a bonus package including a can of Red Bull, a lighter, and the BuyBritneysHair.com URL) is then free to use to publicize a gambling website, establish a shrine to which deranged Spears devotees will flock for years to come, or to clone their very own pop star, who, after a promising early career, will eventually succumb to the overwhelming pressures of fame and freak the fuck out at various locations along Ventura Boulevard. Happy bidding, eccentric millionaires and online gaming concerns!

· Oscars web traffic is expected to be higher than ever this year—possibly even higher than the TV ratings themselves. Why? We're suspecting it has everything to do with convenient, private access to Helen Mirren's rack. [NYT]
· Babel and The Departed tied for this year's Eddie—the American Cinema Editors award. The Eddies anticipated Crash's Oscar win last year, so when Babel and The Departed tie for Best Picture this year, don't say they didn't tell you so! [Gold Derby]
· Emmanuel Lubezki won the top feature honors for his work on Children of Men at the 21st Annual American Society of Cinematographers' Outstanding Achievement Awards. The ceremony itself took Longest Name at the Guild Award Awards. [Variety]
· With still no clear favorite in the Best Picture race, campaigning has reached a "fever pitch," with every movie adopting their own tagline, including Little Miss Sunshine's catchy, "No movie featuring a heroin-OD'd grandpa in a trunk moved you more." [LAT]
· The Cinema Audio Mixing Society, comprised of "550 sound mixers and associates in the film and TV industries," awarded Dreamgirls its top award for excellence in bringing Jennifer Hudson's heffer-lunged belting down to the same levels as her co-stars. [THR]

As even the highest-altitude Tibetan monks with access to WiFi know by now, on Friday night, Britney Spears finally succumbed to the relentless voices in her head telling her, "We can't hear anything with all this hair on top of us! Get rid of it, please!" Moments later, a tidal gust of Santa Ana winds swept through the now famous salon and carried the shavings to the far corners of the globe, where entrepreneurial spirits lucky enough to be visited by one of her locks instantly took to the World Wide Webs to capitalize on their good fortune. Be warned, however, that eBay is a grifters' playground; we leave you to sort out the authentic strands from the impostors with access to a head of fried brown hair and a pair of scissors, keeping in mind J.T. Tognozzi, husband-to-the-Tarzana-hairstylist-stars, has already warned the LAT that any such offering comes from "scam artists." He claims the genuine article is in safe keeping, where they plan to "sell the shorn hair on EBay, give it to a charitable organization," or possibly donate it as the centerpiece exhibit of the Britney Spears Nervous Breakdown Museum, breaking ground in Kentwood, LA sometime in 2009.

Usually, when a reporter asks an actor about his experiences working for a Notoriously Difficult Director, the aggrieved talent bites his or her lip, takes a deep breath, then holds forth on how artistically rewarding it was to work for a "perfectionist." But in Sunday's NY Times, a still-rattled Jake Gyllenhaal couldn't resist the temptation to speak "candidly" about the emotional scars inflicted upon him by Zodiac sadist David Fincher:

Ray Liotta got his three-day weekend off to a high-impact start Saturday night by slamming his vehicle into two parked cars in the Palisades. But in a fun, fresh twist to the conventional story, TMZ is reporting that the "I" for influence had nothing to do with alcohol: