A high-finance, tax-free, low-self-esteem business opportunity awaits one lucky C-lister next week in Santa Monica, where the producers of the independent film David and Fatima are sparing no expense to attract interest in their theatrical premiere. Or perhaps they're sparing a minor marketing expense, maybe a publicity fee and possibly a professional celebrity wrangler charge (but that's it!) by going straight to Craigslist with the Limited Time Offer you'll find after the jump. Tighten your shoulder straps, Tara Reid — you're wanted back on the red carpet!

In a story from the NY Times that's almost too unbelievable to be true, a married couple of Wall Street investors—quite possibly the coolest eccentric rich parents currently living in America—had their Upper East Side residence custom retrofitted by a brilliant designer to hold more secret compartments, puzzles, games, and hidden treasures than Hogwarts Academy, all to delight their four young children. Beyond that, the apartment "even comes with its own book"— which Everything Is Illuminated author Jonathan Safran Foer was approached to compose (but turned down)—and its own soundtrack. Browsing the slide show tour is as mindblowing as it is mindbending, which, we suppose, makes it somehow fitting that Paramount has purchased the article for J.J. Abrams to adapt into a feature film:

Now that we've viewed Get Smart, we feel safe and more than a little sad to report that the sluggish advance word — i.e. "staggeringly bad" — overheard a few weeks ago wasn't too far from the truth. Worse yet, the contagion appeared to have reached Late Night with David Letterman on Tuesday, when the host noted a physical resemblance between star Steve Carell and the late Don Adams, the original Maxwell Smart whom Carell momentarily claimed to have met at this week's premiere. Honest mistake, apparently — he meant to say "Adams's widow"! Shortly after correcting Carell, Letterman proposed showing a clip; the star's deadpan gives way to a look of head-shaking terror we think he actually may have meant in earnest. Or perhaps it was just our post-Smart malaise messing with us. Judge for yourself after the jump, and let's all hope Carell has a less unnerving late-night act together by the time the inevitable Get Smart 2 comes around in a couple of years. [CBS]

Think of how easy it might have been to understand Arianna Huffington's bloggy animus toward Tim Russert if there were a book out chronicling all the sordid details of their decade-and-a-half-long secret feud. (There is.) Every gossip-mongering gadabout should know the full backstory on every spat, falling out, and long-running mutual antagonism in media. Below are the volumes no shelf should be without.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Rear end greasee Gisele Bundchen reveals what her astonishingly edible behind looks like without the assistance of Shiny Butt Masters in the new issue of GQ, but after spending the required hour drooling over the photos (many more, don’t you worry, after the jump), also overshares on her clear indifference towards boyfriend/baby mama abandoner Tom Brady. Despite confessing that former paramour and constant Lakers (tear) game make-out partner Leonardo DiCaprio “broke [her] heart,” it seems the tall, dark and handsome quarterback barely even caught Bundchen’s eye after repeated introductions. And when pressed for more details on why exactly she’s with the cheating jock, her reasoning sounds eerily similar to the way we’d describe our feelings towards a brother, ex-stalker, or (gulp) our dear ol’ dad. The skin-baring photos, and evidence Gisele is just playing the friendship game with Brady, after the jump.

Everybody loves lists, right? Especially those mystifying annual tallies compiled by the American Film Institute, which lumps together 100 films by style or some other vague calculation of merit upholding AFI's profile in cultural irrelevance. Its latest list mixes things up a little, however, featuring a who's who of talent ruminating on the 100 best "genre" films — from Westerns to sci-fi to mysteries, 10 at a time. But for every Clint Eastwood commentary about The Searchers or Roman Polanski insight about Chinatown, we've got Sean Astin chiming in about Judgment at Nuremberg and Jessica Alba weighing in on... well, we've assembled the greatest hits after the jump. Let it suffice to say that Annie Hall is closer than you might have thought to Alba's self-described, "stomach-turning" neurosis and that Cher is... yeah, she's the best. [AFI]

If this year were a Japanese monster movie, Hollywood would be Tokyo, and Asia would be the 30-story-high radioactive reptile devouring everything in its path. With the industry having already been bitten by the theme park monster—with announced plans for Paramount Movie Park Korea and Universal and Marvel attractions in Dubai—came today's news that one of our prettiest daughters, DreamWorks, had been paired off with India-based conglomerate Reliance ADA Group. A Defamer operative now informs us of a gala affair tomorrow night on the Paramount lot. The occasion? Kissing up to 1000 esteemed delegates from the United Arab Emirates:

Just when we thought Britney’s 378th comeback attempt (you know, the real one) was on its final wobbly legs of materializing, a salacious cover story from Life & Style paints Britney as a suicidal and unstable girl (but not yet a woman). Using the headline “Britney’s Suicide Drama,” details are promised regarding the currently slimmed down doting mother who’s finally perfected that weave nonsense after years of failing, along with her battles with repeated suicide attempts. As the weekly’s source claims, “I spoke with her many times and I’ve gone to her house...She’s on major medications...like a zombie now. She’s a shell of her old self.” But after getting past the enticing glossy cover, we found several holes in the exclamatory top story, a few of which we unveil after the jump:

One of the on-the-job hazards of being a composite industry blog/nonsense repository is that occasionally, something we may have intended as a puckish, lightly satirical jab—a joke, if you will—is misinterpreted as fact. One memorable instance had The Australian soberly repeating our take on Mel Gibson's pitch for an ABC Holocaust movie, featuring a "Braveheart-style battle with thousands of Jewish and Nazi combatants rushing at each other across an open field." In that vein, while researching a post on the release date of Universal's upcoming Bruno movie, we were taken aback to find that our proposed mock-title for the summer 2009 release—Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt—had been picked up by a vast array of sources, including:

We're on the record as having thoroughly enjoyed the pulpy, incest-tinged, true-crime biopic Savage Grace, starring Julianne Moore as Bakelite plastics matriarch and certified son-fucker Barbara Baekeland. Alas, one of Baekeland's lovers depicted in the film wants to make it clear that he didn't fuck anyone's son — especially Baekeland's — but that the whole "homosexual romp" thing? Yeah, that might be worth a lawsuit:

Hey, you like reading email, don't you? It sure beats walking out to the mailbox once a day, doesn't it? Well, if you like email as much as we like email, have we got an offer for you! We're excited to announce that Defamer has launched a once-a-week email alert that will enable you to receive a simple communique that contains a brief summary and links to our Top 5 Most Popular Stories of the week. The email only goes out 1x per week, on Fridays, so we promise that your inbox will not be deluged with Defamer spam. Another bonus for signing up? In the case of BREAKING! and/or DEVELOPING! news, we'll alert you straightaway via the same channel. We are applying the Spiderman Principle of "with great power comes great responsibility" to our email communications, so if you see a Defamer email sitting in your inbox, you'll know its totally worthwhile (unfortch, the same could not be said for Spiderman 3). If you would like to sign up, simply enter your email address into the box that's sitting in the left-hand sidebar underneath the hed "Subscribe To Defamer." Give it a whirl, won't ya?

[Flynet]

Celebrity gossip. Some of us love it, some of us hate it. Most of us, though, sort of love to pretend to hate it but secretly love it. Though, admit it, lately it's been a bit staid. Everything now just seems a bit tired (or, you know, British). So is celebrity gossip really dead? For our sake, we hope not. And, really, we don't think it is. We're just in a time of change, the old guard is leaving and a new, squeaky foaming-at-the-mouth group of celebutantes is entering. People are so very tired of Britney, she does nothing but ride tiny cars these days, and Lindsay Lohan seems actually (shriek!) sorta cleaned-up and is working. So let's get on with the new ones. But who will they be? Well, as is (sigh) clearly evident, young starlets will get the brunt of gossip's harsh glare, but there will be some men, too. Find our picks for 16 of America's next top freak idols after the jump.

Announced in April as approximately the 20th collaboration in development between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott, Nottingham promises the duo's stylish, "revisionist" take on the Robin Hood legend — produced by Brian Grazer, natch, thus establishing the film as a sure-fire front-runner for the 2011 Oscars among people who keep track of these things. They're out there, and we hear them twittering a little louder this morning as Sienna Miller is officially so! thrilled! to be attached to portray Maid Marian:

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Approached by the NY Daily News for comment regarding eyewitness accounts of his recent, Tuaca-fueled misadventures communing with Nicaraguan nightlife, Matthew McConnaughey proudly fessed up:

We now know when to expect an answer to the "Bruno: Borat-level triumph or $42 million Universal folly?" question eating at Hollywood since first learning that the studio had shelled out that unconscionable sum for a feature-length prankumentary starring the heterosexually-threatening Sacha Baron Cohen character. From Variety:

Months of speculation over whom DreamWorks might be courting to help underwrite its ugly exit from Viacom ended late Tuesday when The Wall Street Journal reported that Reliance ADA Group, a massive Indian conglomerate, is close to sinking $500 million to $600 million into Steven Spielberg's breathless bid for autonomy. As presumed, the deal would expedite David Geffen's eventual departure from the DreamWorks fold and allow Spielberg to keep the DreamWorks name, if not the projects currently in development with Paramount/Viacom — alas, Transformers 2 stays behind. CEO and Spielberg right hand Stacey Snider would follow as well.

OK! is the celebrity magazine that is the most willingly manipulated by celebrity flacks, which is really saying something. So it's perfectly appropriate that the magazine just promoted sleazy former celebrity uberflack Rob Shuter to its executive editor position. That's because Shuter is skilled at doing the two things that OK! is most famous for: lying on behalf of celebrities, and losing other people's money. Even he, the great fabulist, couldn't write a more sickening script than this.