Everywhere we've been around the LA Film Festival this week, the chatter du jour is either oversexed studio minions or how folks plan to spend their off-days during the increasingly inevitable-looking SAG strike. The latter conflict came into even sharper relief today in Variety, which published a SAG-AFTRA Bullshit Scorecard (hardly an improvement over our SAG Strike Mad Libs™, but whatever) breaking down the lies, celebrity endorsees and various other spin the unions are wielding in their steel-cage labor war:

All it really takes to loosen up David Letterman is a blonde (though he's been known to make exceptions) in a cleavage-enhancing dress—and bam!—the curmudgeonly late night king instantly morphs into a goofy-grinned, homeroom study partner, showering the object of his affection with a variety of softball questions and a generous selection of tinned meats. Take Charlize Theron's appearance last night, the first third of which covered how nice she looks in her dress, before segueing into the weightier topic of what she wants for her birthday. Letterman reassured the actress that he was "sending you something right now," suggesting he was stowing a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet right under his desk all along! Get it? It's his engorged penis! "Every single holiday Dave's dick in a box/Over at your parent's house Dave's dick in a box/Mid day at the grocery store Dave's dick in a box /Backstage at the CMA's Dave's dick in a box (yeah-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow)..."

The state of American game-show relations achieved a dizzying new high Tuesday night when Ice-T, Joan Rivers and their respective broods faced off in a very special episode of Celebrity Family Feud. It hardly seemed a sure thing at first; we doubted Ice and host Al Roker could outdo their tasteful wife-for-hire exchange at the top of the show, or that Rivers could overcome the tremulous, post-Russell Crowe Fucking SlutGate gunshyness in time to produce for a national audience. But the rapper more than picked up the slack in the very first feud, wringing potty-mouthed ignominy from Roker's loaded solicitation, "Name something that's slippery and hard to hold on to." And while we may never know the true degree of Ice's ensuing, bleeped filth or his earlier, "Watch it, Al" threat to Richard Dawson's debauched spiritual heir, the possibility that we could love again after The Moment of Truth was never clearer or more reassuring. [NBC via RedLasso]

100 years from now, history buffs will return to the Paradise Cove beachhead decked in period-appropriate costume, thrilled to recreate that region's legendary battle between the Paps and the Serfs. It was a war that began, like so many others, over the honor of an object of astonishing beauty: In this case, that would be Matthew McConaughey—their flip-flop-misplacing Helen of Troy. The surfing battle wages, having migrated online:

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Corey Feldman's brave hike back from the post-confessional, gofer-sex-abuse wilderness began Tuesday night in Westwood, where he dropped by the LA Film Festival to introduce a screening of The Lost Boys and suffer a clip from the vampire classic's forthcoming straight-to-DVD sequel, Lost Boys: The Tribe. We use the term "classic" loosely; the 1987 original doesn't age that well, but for its cast alone remains one of its era's more interesting (and better-looking) time capsules. And in relation to what we saw of its follow-up's kind of embarrassing exploitation effort, it's just about perfect.

· And we love it! All together now: "My drain was clogged/Sink full of goo/It was fixed real fast/by ADEE do!" [adeedo.com]
· Slate's piece suggesting UA doctored a Tom Cruise photo to make him look more like his Hitler-hunting alter ego never factored in the possibility that they were actually looking at a different portrait of Claus von Stauffenberg. Score one for the good guys! [AP]
· "What do we want! Safer pole conditions and a bigger cut of the champagne room backend! When do we want it? As soon as our Spearmint Rhino set is up!" [Radar]
· Heather Locklear is seeking treatment for anxiety and depression. But she looks fabulous in a two-piece at 46! What hope do the rest of us have? [Reuters]
· Some robots get laid more than other robots. [YouTube]
· Bonus Link: Jack Stephan's spot after the jump!

THR readers today likely took notice of a full-page, back cover ad trumpeting a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to possibly maybe rub shoulders with Hollywood's foremost detonative dreamweaver, Michael Bay—plus the entire cast and crew of Transformers 2!—at The Happy Ending Bar and Restaurant in Hollywood. As if that wasn't reason enough to swing by, the entire event is a fundraiser benefiting the Spondylitis Association of America. It all comes to you courtesy of the Bay-loving folks at TransformNate.com. Who are they? What's Spondylitis? Aren't happy endings for Thai massage parlors? All good questions. Let's start with the first: TransformNate.com is...well, let's Nate explain!

We've apparently been at the wrong film festival for the last week; while Mike White teased LAFF attendees about School of Rock 2 and while three-quarters of the X-Files braintrust jerked around more than 500 fans with virtually no details about the new movie, Quentin Tarantino spent the weekend telling anyone in Provincetown who would listen about his developing World War II epic Inglorious Bastards. Anne Thompson notes today that the script is done — down from its original 12,000-page draft, we hear, to a more manageable 154 or so — and Tarantino preempted genre cynics in a missive to the BBC:

As he makes the rounds on his Hancock press tour, Jason Bateman has taken time out of plugging the Arrested Development movie to address whether his previous film, the teen pregnancy comedy Juno, was totally responsible for all those Gloucester teenagers who all got pregnant at the same time. Unsurprisingly, he answers in the negative:

At this point we’re far more informed than we’d like to be when it comes to all the freaky diet methods celebrities use to shed pounds and pull off that whole homeless glam look Colin Farrell’s currently sporting. But while A-listers tend to either keep mum on the subject (like Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger) or blab endlessly about being “obsessed with potato chips!” and eating “fried food every day!” (Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angelina Jolie), the press-hungry lesser-knowns have yet to learn the rules. In the upcoming issue of TV Guide, ten small-screen stars commit major overshares about how their body obsession is weighing on their mindgrapes. Find out who dropped major pounds just because TMZ published pictures of her “very, very soft” stomach, who only vacuums in heels to tone her calves, and which former “fat baby” admits to working out for over an hour every day, after the jump.

For the first time in our Weeds-watching experience, we actually worried we’d gotten a contact high from watching last night’s Bizarro World episode. As soon as we realized this would be the only time we’d seen the show open without “Little Boxes” setting the carefree tone, replaced by an opening sequence set at the Mexican border, Nancy uneasily waltzing around high as a kite on a beach, it became clear that our Weeds is even more potent than usual. Though we still haven’t accepted the fact that much of this highly-rated season will take place in Mexico as the Botwins run from the law, we were finally able to shake our rising paranoia upon seeing the indefatigable Elizabeth Perkins appear looking nothing like the Celia we’ve loved, hated, then loved again. Imagine a young Bette Midler dressed up as little orphan Annie, styled by Mexico’s answer to Rachel Zoe, grab the nearest pillow in the likely instance you find yourself needing to scream, and get high on this clip (no substances required).

Attention, struggling actors: after a strike-depleted awards season, even those who make a living as professional seat fillers felt the economic burn. What other novelty jobs might be out there for aspiring performers drawn to the absurd? Why, how about "professional superfan":

At this rate Craigslist might want to consider a subcategory for "Studio J.O. Break" or some like-titled catch-all for furtive worktime leisure pursuits; Casual Encounters can't possibly contain the epidemic of solicitations that began yesterday on the Sony lot and continues today with an even more ambitious transmission from Fox [NSFW]:

There are few things in this world that can thwart 24's Jack Bauer — few things, that is, besides a WGA strike and an untimely stint in the Glendale City Jail. Forced to postpone the premiere of 24's seventh season from January 2008 to January 2009, Fox promised a make-good for tortured fans in the form of an additional two-hour prequel, set to air this November. Now, though, it's looking like those two hours are going to come out of the next season's twenty-four. Prequel costar Robert Carlyle gave Premiere the scoop:

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

While some of you probably believe that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer's life consists solely of mornings filled with mimosas and evening's spent behind the velvetiest of velvet ropes, the fact of the matter is that she puts her pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of you (that is, when she's actually wearing pants). Although it may seem glamorous bringing you each night's To Do's, at the end of each and every month, she has to pay her bills, too. Unfortch for Molls, she isn't so good with balancing her checkbook. Which is exactly why she invited her friend Mel Cowan, comedian and financial whiz, over last night. The results are predictably hilare. Enjoy!

Despite the joyous break in that nasty heat wave and the thorn in Anne Hathaway’s ass having been successfully removed, all is not well in LA today. As the NY Post reports, Larry King’s sixth wife Shawn Southwick King has ‘fessed up to a painkiller addiction, and now Us is confirming that Heather Locklear just checked herself in to an undisclosed treatment center for general craziness. So with the year's halfway point quickly approaching, we decided to check in on this year’s Rehab Class of 2008: those who’ve graduated with honors, the newest students, and the wild card alumni whose success remains a wobbly mystery.

Hollywood's power list got a little more diffuse Monday when Diablo Cody, Marion Cotillard, Judd Apatow and Sacha Baron Cohen were among 105 new invitees to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. The number is the lowest since 2004, when the Academy instituted its "Riff-Raff Rule" limiting the annual invitee total to 137; that said, we're not sure what kind of internal politics and/or pledge drives would necessitate inviting Michael Haneke and Jet Li to assume even 1/6000th of the Oscar vote. Follow the jump for more of this year's celebrated AMPAS Cub Club!

The seven-year itch has reportedly struck the unusually long and strong union between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, but news of the split isn’t exactly sending anyone into shock. It was only three years ago when Madonna practically divorced her frostylocks husband on television, telling the world in an MTV documentary that she “wanted to end everything,” and that Guy hadn’t lived up to whatever S&M-loving, hotel room-wrecking ideal she’d “imagined him to be.” But we’re not so sure the soft-spoken director of speedy-spoken indie flicks was necessarily the problem child in this couplet. Considering Madonna’s behavior over the past year or so, scented ever so slightly with desperation and Justin Timberlake’s ass cheeks, we came up with three of the most likely reasons we think the love story went sour: