As much as we bemoan the dearth of good roles for women, minorities and Coreys, things have really never been worse for gerbils. But a change may be in the offing as early as this weekend, when one lucky hamster has the chance to break the fluorescent-plastic ceiling en route to the A-list:

In the annals of celebrity scandal, the question of whether a Saved By the Bell co-star fibbed about his chest hair would surely rank below most — but not to the aggrieved, vigilant readers of Star magazine. After Mario Lopez gave an interview with People where he testified — under oath, no doubt — that he has never had to manscape, Star dug out old photos of the Dancing with the Stars alum that tell a different tale. What started as an eagle-eyed catch by connoisseurs of celebrity skin quickly became full-on outrage as fans of Lopez flocked to the forum to castigate their former idol. Said Star:

This was supposed to be the time of Scarlett Johansson's life — happily engaged with at least two eagerly anticipated new films ahead of her and, most thrilling of all, her official status as Busty Blond Obama Campaign Cog confirmed a few weeks back when she confessed an ongoing e-mail correspondence with her fifth father and Democratic presidential nominee-to-be. "You'd imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly traveling and constantly 'on' — how can he return these personal e-mails?" she asked Politico on June 8.

It hit us last night while watching the season premiere of Shear Genius (yes, we watch it): is Bravo trying to drive Project Runway's stock down before it makes the leap to Lifetime in the fall? Though the cable channel is advertising its final season of the show (which premieres July 16), Runway's been unceremoniously bumped to a 9pm timeslot, while Shear Genius will claim Runway's traditional 10pm stomping grounds. In an even clearer sign that Bravo is loathe to give the lame-duck series more attention, the Season 5 ads are recycled clip jobs; though Bravo has always mounted a splashy new ad campaign for each iteration of its reality shows, it's apparently going to send Runway off into the sunset without shooting any new footage. Check out the half-hearted Season 5 clip after the jump.

With festival fatigue closing in on all sides and the Verne Troyer sex tape still searing our minds one pixel at a time, we really needed a laugh Wednesday night. A panel discussion seemed like it might do the trick: "Funny Women," gathering Jennifer Tilly, Janeane Garofalo, Alyson Hannigan and Illeana Douglas poolside at the W, where comedian/director David Steinberg peppered them with questions when not contributing random career asides of his own.

· If the Mini-Me sex tape wasn't enough to convince you to abstain from sex for the rest of your life, this clip of The Ladies Of The View debating whether or not to go topless in Vegas likely will. [The View]
· Remember that scene in One Crazy Summer where Savage Steve Holland's "cute and fuzzy bunnies" turned into mass murdering psychos? Well, this is kind of like that, only for real. [Videogum]
· Has modern life killed the semi-colon? We're not sure ... but we do know that ellipses are more popular than ever... [Slate via Fimoculous]
· The naming rights for the historic Los Angeles Coliseum are for sale. Here's hoping Jumbo's Clown Room starts up a collection fund, 'cause that's one cause we'd totally contribute to. [LA Observed]
· The missing link between Kanye West and Gary Busey has finally been discovered. And that link is ... squid brains? [Detroit News]

Yesterday's hearty Defamer welcome of Patrick Goldstein to the blogosphere was one of many around the Web, with Nikki Finke's hat-tip today falling the most conspicuously between "housewarming present" and "gentle kick in the nuts." To wit: "I'm told that, despite heavy promotion by the paper and other media, Goldstein's blog on Monday only received 1,102 page views, placing #35 out of 50 blogs at the LA Times," Finke wrote. "But I'm rooting for you, Patrick, I really am." Awwww! And that headline, Nikki! "Goldstein On Finke; Finke On Goldstein"? Get a room, already. [DHD]

We've already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they've gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we've leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from "awkward and sweaty" to "slightly icky and sort of wet." Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

Hey, it's Molls. Grambone is letting me write my own post today, which is probably a huge mistake. That's fine! We all make mistakes! Like in this video I burnt my friend Alexis on her elbow with my Marlboro Light. Or like two years ago when I forgot my mother's birthday, which coincidentally is today. Happy Birthday, Mom. Thanks for letting me feed off of your body for nine months. Honestly, your body was the best I've ever lived inside. Anyway, Taco-flavored kisses, a background shot of a creepy dude in a two tone hat who hit on us and your Wednesday To-Dos after the jumpskis...

A tough week is seemingly getting tougher by the hour for Raffaelo Follieri, the deposed Anne Hathaway beau whose surplus of unused "CFO, The Vatican" business cards are the least of his mounting problems. There's also the positive drug test, the mysterious "illness and subsequent hospitalization," and the whole problem of house detention — which he could get around with the mere $21 million bail laid down Tuesday in court. Or the 29-year-old Italian could just save the cash, sit down with the feds, and see what might work to avoid the charges' maximum sentence of life in prison:

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

A vague and incredibly mysterious blind item in today’s NY Daily News initially gave us a headache because not a single “groovy”-like hint was included:

After seeing actor and Dancing With the Stars champion Mario Lopez's current shirtless TV Guide cover (at left) and recent People magazine spread, we couldn't help but wonder: just how shirtless is Mario Lopez? We decided we'd compare him to other popular be-pec'ed celebrities — perpetually half-nude actor Matthew McConaughey and dancer/romancer Justin Timberlake, for example — by having our esteemed assistant Nicola conduct a Google image search in the hopes of attaining some sort of shirtlessness ratio. Our results proved our suspicions: 13 of the top 20 results for a Google image search for Lopez's name come up with shirtless pics— or 65%. Thus making Mario Lopez the Most Shirtless Man in America. Consult the above Shirtlessness Index to see how other abdominal Adonises measure up to Mr. Lopez, plus find some special shirtless surprises after the jump.

Click to viewSex tapes. We've all seen them. Hell, by this point, we've probably all made them (and that includes Molls)! But even on your loneliest of lonely nights, when you dial up RedTube in search of the dirtiest, kinkiest porn that the Internets have to offer, we'd bet you dollars to donuts that none of you ever typed the words "Mini-Me Sex Tape" into Google looking to get off. That is, until now. According to our friends at TMZed:

Jessica Simpson has officially perfected the art of turning every opportunity to promote whatever is currently going on in her “career” into a public display of desperation. Ever since that gruesome Chicken Or Fish fiasco, we cannot think of a single time the game day curse has appeared on television without making a complete ass of herself. And Jessica managed to continue the pity parade on The View today. Dodging all questions related to her shockingly successful new country single, Simpson instead spun the interview into an embarrassingly blatant attempt to announce to the world how totally in love she and long-suffering QB Tony Romo still are. See Simpson hard at work, and tell us if we’re the only ones noticing a very eerie resemblance between the new Jessica and the bleached, gum-chewing, tear-drenched Britney Spears circa her “We’re just country, y’all!” era.

Having already identified the source of the famous scruff from Guess the Celebrity Nape!, we now invite you to browse further sumptuous set stills from Steven Soderbergh's The Informant—where star Matt Damon can be found undertaking a harrowing physical transformation into paunchy, Mai Tai-loving, real-world whistleblower Mark Whitacre. Wait one second: agricultural price-fixing scams? Boooring. We have a better idea: What ever happened to that Summer School remake? We've got our perfect Mr. Shoop right here!

Loose-lipped Jack Black has recently decided to abandon his pre-married man habits like staying up too late with “beer” and “dudes,” but by far the most impressive habit Black claims to have kicked is smoking. Though we don't really immediately picture a carton of cigarettes when thinking of the Brangelina baby blabber, there are more than a few stars who we see smoking so often we automatically reach for a cancer stick whenever we see them on-screen. So who are the smokiest chimneys in Hollywood these days? We put together a list of the newbies and their predecessors, all of whom we feel should be notified that Joshua Kelley, no matter what Heigl has told them, is not, in fact, an ashtray:

When she's not involved in ex-presidential dalliances (allegedly!) and lobbing litigious bombs at the journalists who write about them, Gina Gershon is something of a Broadway dreamer. To wit, the sultry star's more authorized revelation that she's considered adapting Showgirls for the stage. But just throwing a bitchy NC-17 melodrama on the boards wouldn't be enough, naturally, so behold Showgirls: The Broadway Musical: "Originally I had an idea to do that, and I was talking to a couple of people to write it with me," she told Broadway.com. "If it's my version, it would be great. If it's a dumb version, it would be dumb." We really don't see how a smart version of Showgirls is logically possible, and unless it features a showstopping Joe Eszterhas/Paul Verhoeven duet simply called "Tits," we're probably not even interested. Nevertheless, best of luck to Gershon, and may her Vanity Fair score-settling yield the leverage she needs to make Tony-ready magic. [Broadway.com via Film Experience]

[Photo Credit: X17]

Katherine Heigl's constant bids to control her husband Josh "Call Me Joshua" Kelley's A.D.D. addled life is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Whether it's explaining to David Letterman that the house that the newlyweds live in is most certainly hers or confiding to Oprah that she's not even really sure if she'll like Joshua once she gets to know him, we are firmly settled into Month Six of what's come to be known as "The Emasculation Of Joshua" tour. However, just when you thought that she would tone things down a smidge, Heigl's controlling ways took new life when her not-at-all-whipped "rocker" husband took to the stage at Hollywood's Hotel Café on Friday night. According to a tipster for People: