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All Of Free World Hoping McCain Drops Dead After Election Day

Seth Abramovitch · 09/04/08 02:30PM

Well, if the McCain campaign lacked a little something called star power—and let's face it, the guy is about as fabulous as Mr. Magoo with hemorrhoids—then that gaping hole was filled by...wait, let's reword that. Um...drill, baby, drill? Ugh, nevermind. There's no way we are going to get around sexualizing America's newest superstar hockey mom and lipstick-smothered graduate of the Michael Vick Canine Attack Academy, Sarah Palin! But don't take our word for it. Just look at these numbers:

In The Studio With Voiceover Maestro, Matthew McConaughey

Seth Abramovitch · 09/04/08 02:15PM

You've met Matthew McConaughey, Creepiest Beef Spokesman in the World, but now we'd like to introduce you to a different voiceover McConaughey: That of proud University of Texas alumnus and lifelong Longhorns fan, voicing an intro for preschool indoctrination video Baby Longhorn. ("BABY Longhorn® combines all the great things you love about the University of Texas, with all the things you want your lil’toddler to learn—numbers, letters, colors and more.") There's no mistaking those deep, caramel inflections, sedating your toddler into hypnagogic state that allows them to start calling offensive plays before they are even able to speak. But what happens in those moments right before the recording light turns red? Sit back and be amazed at the vast array of vocal warm-up tricks stashed up McConaughey's sleeve. [Baby Longhorn, TMZ]

She's Still Smiling, You Guys

Douglas Reinhardt · 09/04/08 02:00PM

Everybody's' favorite Brenda 2.0, AKA Shenae Grimes, remained all smiles while filming on the set of the hit CW series yesterday. When asked about why she appears to be so happy, Grimes replied, "The show is a hit! I get to work with Gangy! I'm up for the role of Bristol Palin in a Lifetime movie! Why not smile? Everything is coming up Shenae these days!"

Kyle Buchanan · 09/04/08 01:40PM

Dogs and Cats Living Together: "If I could interest Seth [Rogen] and Judd [Apatow] to be part of [Ghostbusters 3], that would be an absolute dream," says OG Ghostbuster Dan Aykroyd to E!, according to Slashfilm. The formerly proton pack-clad Aykroyd reveals that two writers are currently working on the sequel, though at this point, there is no information on how much male full-frontal nudity (or how many ad-libbed pop culture references) the Apatow-aspiring trio plans to include. [Slashfilm]

Who Needs '90210' With This Lucrative Gig Impersonating Zach Galifianakis?

Kyle Buchanan · 09/04/08 01:20PM

While the record-breaking premiere of 90210 has left certain stars smiling (and smiling, and smiling), some of the franchise's original cast members have better things to do than stand around and flash those pearly whites for a measly 12 share. Take Jason Priestley, for example, who showed up to Nike's 10k Global Human Race in Los Angeles this week with his teen-dream sideburns upstaged by a massive, world-beating beard. Looking less like Brandon Walsh and more like the homeless man Brandon Walsh invited to Thanksgiving, Priestly was also kind enough to share his curt thoughts on the CW re-do:

Nevada's Free-Movie Lovers Ambushed With 'Valkyrie' Screening

Seth Abramovitch · 09/04/08 01:00PM

Valkyrie. It's that rare movie which, without even having been released, has already managed to break free from its celluloid constraints to become a genuine state of mind. ("How you feeling?" "Oh, a little Valkyrieish, you?" "Same.") We all know the story by now: Odd flight of historical fancy by Nazi-obsessed director Bryan Singer; Tom Cruise signs on, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Col. Shtuffel Von Klingenhauser, the movie's famed Hitler-hunter; mishaps and flatulence follow, Nazis are injured and sue; and its studio crumbles amid a round of musical release dates. But through it all, has anyone actually seen this thing? According to E! Online, top secret testing is currently underway at an undisclosed location somewhere in Nevada known only as Area Einundfünfzig—and what they are learning there is nothing short of astonishing:

Who's Playing Whom in Paris Hilton's All-Access Doc Drama?

STV · 09/04/08 12:20PM

The Toronto International Film Festival didn't wait until today's kick-off to find its first controversy: Rumors hit last weekend that Paris Hilton's camp is hustling behind the scenes to derail the world premiere of the all-access documentary Paris, Not France. Early word was that the Hilton clan in general was less than pleased with its depiction in the film, directed by music-video auteur (and daughter of Tom) Adria Petty; as such, her people demanded TIFF programmers drop every screening but one scheduled for Sept. 9. Today, however, Page Six fields a different story entirely, quoting a Hilton rep who rather plainly acknowledged manipulating the basic tenets of Paris supply-and-demand. Who to trust? We called Toronto directly to find out."Any film is a very complicated set of business relationships, interpersonal relationships, etcetera," said TIFF documentary programmer Thom Powers, who denied his "miffed" characterization in today's NYP item. "In the context of a film festival, where a film is making its world premiere, it stirs up a lot of..." He took a moment, reached for a word. "'Drama' is, I guess, the best word I could say." In this particular drama, Powers said he had dealt only with the filmmakers; he could neither address the "machinations" happening between Hilton and TIFF organizers nor confirm Paris's newly reported plans to attend next Tuesday's premiere. He did stand by the film, however, whose pared-down schedule — including its only press screening — could also imply that it's unfinished, thus potentially as damaging to its distribution chances as its subjects. "In this case, nothing could be further from the truth," Powers said. "And in fact our press department is bending over backwards to accommodate the press that would have normally gone to a press screening to get them into a public screening. Which in a way I'm kind of more happy about. I wish the press was always watching films with the public, especially in Toronto. It's a much different experience." We can vouch for that (see Borat's misbegotten if memorable non-premiere from 2006), and maybe even are prepared to take Camp Hilton at its hype-heightening word. Which, of course, also suggests that it has a stake in the film's commercial prospects. Naturally, that's where Hilton's rep finally clammed up with Page Six; neither her nor her allies' names appear in credits available on the fest's Web site, and Powers told us he is "not privvy to those details." Either way, look for the critical orthodoxy to instinctively hold its nose — guys like the Post's Lou Lumenick, who's likely the first of many to gripe all the way to the border about Hilton's commandeering of the prestigious fest. Powers, meanwhile, is a little more philosophical. "What's interesting is to see how news of this film plays out as a further commentary of what celebrity means in the culture," he said. "I have films in the line-up like Food Inc., which has serious material based on the reporting of Eric Schlosser and Michael Pollan that's vital to understanding what we eat and the future of food in America, and yet that doesn't get the headline in Page Six. Paris Hilton does."

David Duchovny Totally Into Internet Porn, If By 'Internet Porn' You Mean Banging Extras

Kyle Buchanan · 09/04/08 12:00PM

When Californication star David Duchovny announced he was checking into sex rehab, Fox News columnist Roger Friedman suggested it was due to an internet porn addiction — a theory that didn't sit well with our commenters, who remembered a suddenly relevant blind item about a TV star who'd been following extras off the set for some very special "overtime." Today, the NY Daily News rebuts Friedman and confirms the latter rumor, hearing from the National Enquirer that Duchovny's wife Tea Leoni was on to his elaborate scheme to trade sex for SAG vouchers:

Lynne Spears Regrets Having Let Britney Get Wasted And Laid In Her Early Teens

Seth Abramovitch · 09/04/08 11:40AM

Anticipation is building steadily for the release of Lynne Spears's Through The Storm: A Real Tale Of Fame And Family In A Tabloid World, a sort of My Life by Bill Clinton for the absentee parenting set. As luck would have it, the National Enquirer has secured an advanced copy of the three-time grandmother and world class permissivist's memoir, in which she weighs in with astonishing honesty about her powerlessness over her teenage daughter's extra-curricular activities:

Creepy Ex-Flack Is A Magazine Role Model

Hamilton Nolan · 09/04/08 11:36AM

Rob Shuter may be single most well-qualified man for his job in all the celebrity media. His job, of course, is editor of photo-happy, celebrity-friendly, "What interview questions would you like to answer, Britney?" pseudo-magazine OK! But set aside your revulsion at the existence of this pair of celebrity culture warriors, and you come to realize that we can all learn something from the way the man does business. His reputation is (grudgingly) improving along with his personal appearance (pic: old on left, new on right). Shuter told CoverAwards that his magazine is "celebrity-fair." Classic, classic. Break it down: Shuter was a celebrity flack before he came to OK. So when he got the job, some of the esteemed journalists at the magazine were angry at this publicist interloping on their territory. But really, a PR guy is much better suited to the job than someone with a history on the editorial side. The editor of OK essentially works to broker deals with celebrities and their managers and publicists. That was Shuter's gig before, on the other side of things, so he knows just how to make this work. His competitors, who came up as reporters and editors, will never have that experience. He could be functionally illiterate. No problem! Celeb magazines are driven by photos—exclusive photos. Who fucking cares what OK's brain damaged stories say? People want to look at pretty photos of famous people that they can't get anywhere else, and that's what they get from Shuter. Plus, appearance on shows like ET and Access Hollywood usually materialize only after the exclusive magazine deal has been closed, meaning that celebrities have to deal with one of the mags no matter what. And since OK is the friendliest and one of the most financially generous, bingo. Rob Shuter is a shameless man in a shameless job. Many lesser people would be embarrassed to be him. But Shuter can say with a straight face that he's "proud of the product" and dismiss competitors as "haters" and be totally genuine. He's worth every penny. "Celebrity-fair" is the new "right-sizing."

Sam Ronson's $10,000 Fee No Reflection on Her Love For Lindsay Lohan

STV · 09/04/08 11:20AM

On one hand, we're right there with the folks challenging the ugly, disproportionate media scrutiny faced by gay celebrity couples. Seriously! Why shouldn't the likes of Courtenay Semel enforce their B-list bedhopping privileges with relish, and why should marrying material like Sam Ronson get a bum rap for being a no-good, disc-spinning, Lohan-using exploitation artist just because her girlfriend happens to drop by her increasingly well-compensated DJ gigs? On the other hand, now we aren't sure we really wanted the Ronson profile in the new issue of Angeleno Magazine to answer that last question:

Killjoy Aaron Eckhart Settles at Least One Scurrilous 'Batman 3' Casting Rumor

STV · 09/04/08 11:00AM

After a handful of outlandish Batman 3 casting rumors recently trickled online in a impressionistic stream of semi-consciousness, we may have found one that not only can't be attributed to a fanboy crack binge, but may actually be... true? And for the six of you who haven't yet seen The Dark Knight, spoilers follow, so consider skipping ahead: Aaron Eckhart, whose Two-Face/Harvey Dent ended up as killed as any TDK character got without going through the necessary franchise terminus of burial/cremation/being chopped into pieces, confirmed this week that, yes, his villain is dead, and no, he will not be returning in any forthcoming Batman sequels. That is, Eckhart added, if there are any Batman sequels to be made at all — at least with Christopher Nolan overseeing things:

Sir Elton Can Snort You Under The Table, Dearie

Seth Abramovitch · 09/03/08 08:01PM

· So this little exchange between Lily Allen and Sir Elton John at the GQ Awards is certainly one for the ages. Team...um...Sting? [TMZ] · A People reporter is suing Splash for the Heath Ledger-doing-blow-at-Chateau Marmont video that surfaced after his death, claiming "intrusion of privacy," but an LA Superior Court judge has dismissed 11 of the 12 claims. [ABC News] · Knowing David Duchovny is the voice of this dachshund wanting you to rub its belly makes us worried that this dachshund may actually be addicted to random belly-rubbing from total strangers. [Videogum] · Speaking of sex addiction, at last—all your naughty celebrities-on-a-telephone desires can be satisfied. [celebrities and telephones] · And to end on a hopeful note, Debi Mazar is totally kosher with Bristol Palin's teen pregnancy. She was the product of a teen pregnancy herself! [E Online]

STV · 09/03/08 07:45PM

Poltergeist Enemy No. 1: After a forcefully (and surprisingly) angry appeal to God himself, late child star Heather O'Rourke is perched on the edge of her cloud bank today with an eye on Vadim Perelman, the director of self-serious melodrama including House of Sand and Fog, The Life Before Her Eyes who'll next helm MGM's planned remake of the 1982 horror/sci-fi classic Poltergeist. Production EVP Cale Boyter hours ago confirmed rumors that had been circulating since the weekend, issuing a statement saying: "We are excited to have Vadim direct Poltergeist, a title which already has a built-in movie-going audience. With his established track record, we look forward to having him lead the creative direction on this new character-based horror project that will utilize the original film as a jumping-off point." We, too, have contemplated higher, more fatal jumping-off points of our own at the thought of a remake. Still, our faith in young O'Rourke — who immortalized the original with her catchphrase "They're heeeere" before tragically passing away in 1988 — should, must win out in the end. Watch your ass, Perelman. [MGM]

Fatherhood Finds David Spade

Seth Abramovitch · 09/03/08 07:30PM

To all you naysayers out there who always insisted that David Spade would never find a nice girl, settle down, and fall right into life as a loving new dad, time to start eating some crow: Spade has accidentally impregnated a Playboy Playmate. So there!

Lindsay Lohan Flourishes as Pseudo-Pregnant Halfwit Type in 'Labor Pains' Trailer

STV · 09/03/08 06:55PM

Maybe it's just that Don LaFontaine is dead, but we're more invested than usual in the spectrum of new trailers making their ways through the mourning cosmos The Voice left behind. In fact, it's his special touch that perhaps most conspicuously missing from this new spot for the Lindsay Lohan comedy Labor Pains: "In a world... where one of the biggest celebrities is among the least employable... an independent film gave her a chance... to dazzle audiences again... by faking a pregnancy..." Adding insult to injury, the standard "Coming soon" title card is subbed out for "Now in post-production," reminding us that the film has yet be picked up for American distribution. It'll happen though, don't you worry; this has straight-to-Flopz written all over it. Check it after the jump. [Cinematical]

Seth Abramovitch · 09/03/08 06:31PM

Comeback Comeback: Britney Spears's ongoing flirtation with this year's VMAs has progressed past the stage of hanging out near an elephant while Russell Brand played Itsy Bitsy Spider up her inner thigh. She's going to open the show—though great care is being taken not to have a repeat of last year's performance, a still of which now appears next to the word "train·wreck" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Instead, MTV Networks Music Group President Van Toffler said it will be something "fun and unexpected." Britney said in a statement, "MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I'm excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated." [AP/Yahoo]

Robert Downey Jr. Falls Deeper Down The Mustache Hole

Seth Abramovitch · 09/03/08 06:07PM

Appearing before throngs of adoring Japanese movie fans accompanied by his ever-present quartet of Ironjuko dancers was the inimitable Robert Downey Jr., whose upper lip appears to have crossed the point of no return since last we checked in with the unabashedly facial-hair-curious actor. But the look has grown more severe now—the furrowed brow, the unkempt hair, the dark glasses, and constipated pout all seem to suggest another man's superstar aura entirely. Help us, won't you, get to the bottom of this Robert Downey Jr. mini-mystery, by voting in yet another of those Defamer reader polls you love so much. All aboard for mustache rides after the jump!

Russell Brand Offers Eva Longoria Parker a Water Sports-Soaked Threesome

Kyle Buchanan · 09/03/08 05:50PM

When we think of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, we picture a family-friendly forum where Republican candidates can come to read funny headlines out loud and maybe, finally, meet a real-life black musician. Lately, though, our G-rated suppositions have gone to hell as the lame-duck Leno has regaled the audience with stories about his interest in an underage Jessica Biel and his auto-erotic fantasies involving actress Scarlett Johansson. Into a more ribald chat show, then, does cheeky VMAs host Russell Brand walk — and boy, does he make the most of it:As he sits on the couch next to guest Eva Longoria Parker, a misheard reference to PETA sends the comedian on a tangent that splashes the audience with sexual offers they've likely never contemplated before bedtime. Bold talk when delivered to a Desperate Housewife, Russell, but we're reserving your comedy credibility until you introduce Miley Cyrus to the concept of a Dutch Oven during this weekend's VMAs.