Perhaps it's just practice for the sapphic VMAs cameo that MTV wants her to make, but part-time actress Lindsay Lohan was snapped smooching Samantha Ronson in Manhattan yesterday. The development will no doubt please LAPD Chief William Bratton, who correctly intuited that Lohan "going gay" would somehow spirit her away from the more aggressive paparazzi in Los Angeles, though there is still no word on what father Michael Lohan thinks of the photo (we're sure, though, that a statement is incoming). Meanwhile, Playboy has offered Lohan a series of less tender snapshots, and they made a surprisingly low first offer:

At the premiere of The Women, all of the men in attendance were lured away from their dates by the sweet siren song of Cloris Leachman. Leachman, who's slated to compete in the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars, swept stars like Warren Beatty and Will Smith off their feet with her erotic tales of old Hollywood. Smith said, "Cloris has to be the ultimate cougar. If I wasn't with Jada, I'd make a serious play at her. Although, Warren might give me a run for my money." When asked about her newfound status as the ultimate cougar, Leachman said, "I would say that I still got it, but the fact of the matter is that I never lost it."

A mysterious man wearing a gray blazer offered 90210 star Shannen Doherty a friendly shove outside of the Ed Sullivan theater on Thursday night. This caused Doherty to experience a temporary flashback to her childhood, when her shyness prevented her from adequately conversing with her father's golf buddies. After hiding behind the gray blazered chap for a couple of minutes, the mystery man encouraged Shannen to talk to the people gathered outside instead of bolting directly to her Town Car. "Come on and smile for the nice people," he said. "You're kind of back. Let's not screw it up, okay? And show the nice people that nice dance you learned, too."

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your weekly guide to everything new, noteworthy and potentially nausea-inducing at the movies. If summer was really just a heady four-month industry bender of superheroes and the occasional Sex romp, then consider this week the hangover: The brutal post-Labor Day doldrums, when phoner-inner Nic Cage has the box office to himself, our underdog is an ethnic punchline, and we want to to do nothing but shut ourselves in with a few of this week's only slightly more intriguing DVD releases. So read on for a remedy; as always, our opinions are our own, but let's just assume we're all in agreement this time around. It's kind of hard to screw up a week like this. WHAT'S NEW: However wistful our recollections of Nicolas Cage's finer moments, it's never enough to shake the grave reality of seeing him as a laconic, hairplugged hitman in Bangkok Dangerous. And while our pity is mitigated slightly by the minor majesty of his Thai survival struggles, we're guessing a deafult number-one opening around $9.3 million (nothing else is opening wide this week) is deflating enough to set us back at least a few years to The Wicker Man — another ill-advised remake he had no business touching. Anyway, it's too late now. And did we mention we're hungover?Also opening: Jamie Bell's teen-voyeur tale Mister Foe; Azazel Jacobs's wildly overrated Sundance darling Momma's Man; Oscar-winning docmaker Jessica Yu's narrative debut Ping Pong Playa; and Claude Chabrol's moody May-December psychodrama A Girl Cut in Two. THE BIG LOSER: Honestly? You, the moviegoer. Even Tropic Thunder could drop 50% from last week and still surpass its production budget, a symbolic bump that will probably please all those woozy DreamWorks execs with hot compresses on their foreheads just fine. But until the Coens, The Women and the rest of the fall players start trotting out of the tunnel next week, your options are as limited as they've been all year. Sorry!

Via the Copyranter blog, we bring you this ingenious, if kind of gross, marketing effort for an upcoming showing of Knocked Up on New Zealand TV. It mounts a living, breathing recreation of a sperm's penetration of the oocyte using a diorama incorporating tadpoles and a fish food-stuffed egg-sponge. And while we'd hate to see what kind of baby results from sperms that look like that, we do think this adverquarium could have a lengthy second life as a handy visual learning aid for Sarah Palin, available to wheel out every time she needs to explain to the American public when life precisely begins. Click the thumbnail to view the marvels of science at full size.

· Say what you want about this act from last night's America's Got Talent—we're just thrilled to see the Gay Man's Chorus of Los Angeles keeping themselves busy in the chorus off-season. [AGT] · So those two "two sharp young writers" Dan Aykroyd mentioned are hard at work on Ghostbusters 3 are The Office co-EPs Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky. Pam + Slimer 4ever! [Variety] · Sarah Palin attended five colleges in six years before graduating from the University of Idaho in 1987. Also, she burned down a library after she found out the Moosewood Cookbook was vegetarian commie propaganda. [AP, Boston Herald] · Howie Mandel earned a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, which came with a smaller matching star in an aluminum briefcase. Because he's made his biggest impact on a popular game show featuring people screaming at briefcases, you see. Oh... never mind. [Getty Images] · Attention all drug addicts currently loitering near or around Kirsten Dunst's hotel room: your days of villainy are numbered! [Yahoo] · And the same goes for you, female strippers in Australia accused of sexually penetrating the bachelor! [news.com.au]

As shooting on 30 Rock dragged into the wee hours of the morning, popular actress Jennifer Aniston offered free neck rubs and body massages to day players and crew members to boost morale. Aniston said, "I finally got a chance to put those six months at massage school to good use. It's just so nice to give back." Aniston's makeshift massage tent generated a huge line, despiteher strict anti-happy ending policy. Aniston added, "That's kind of gross. Maybe if the individual was my lover, but a lighting guy, not so much. Love what they do, but not that much."

VMA FYI: In news that will surely please his favorite white girl Scarlett Johansson, Kanye West has been picked to close out this year's VMAs (which will be opened — in some fashion — by Britney Spears). Since it's the ceremony's 25th anniversary, the network says we can expect winks to MTV's past including Christina Aguilera returning to reprise "Genie in a Bottle," and Katy Perry essaying Madonna's "Like a Virgin." And just like at this year's MTV Movie Awards, we'll be live on the red carpet Sunday evening causing havoc and liveblogging our hearts out. But unlike the '07 VMAs, this year's event looks like it might actually be able to hold our interest, thanks to the addition of the unpredictable Russell Brand as host. Let's just hope they don't let Eva Longoria Parker near him — MTV couldn't afford the FCC fine if those two got into water sports again. [MTV]

Anyone who's been watching Molly McAleer's nightly To Do videos during the last few months knows that her soundtrack for the summer has been Girl Talk's Feed The Animals. At least, that's what we thought. Turns out she's been riding around town all summer pumping an entirely different jam, Beyonce's "Get Me Bodied." So what if the song is two years old this week, it's Beyonce's birthday. Join Molls as she leads you through the best things to do in LA tonight (and watch as she and Edward cut loose in what looks to be a Circle-K parking lot). Enjoy!· Alice Cooper @ The Wiltern. · Billy Bob Thornton and David Allen Coe @ Crash Mansion. · 9 to 5: The Musical @ the Ahmanson Theater.

Last night's premiere of the latest cycle of America's Next Top Model unveiled this season's epic theme—"As sci fi as we can possibly make this using things found at a dollar store"—to much squealy delight from the carefully selected pool of regular- and plus-sized replicants. While the audience seems to be dwindling for such catwalk-crawling minstrel shows (the ratings hit an all-time low), the series is to be commended for never failing to adapt and innovate. Take, for example, the introduction of exciting Glamonator 11.0 technology: A more sophisticated descendant of the Sleeper Orgasmatron, it's capable of producing an amazingly convincing hologram of a completely-over-it reality hostess who wishes she could fold up shop on this ghetto-ass exercise in model-search futility to spend more time on her Emmy-winning talk show. Smile with your circuits, ladies!

The 'stache-tastic Robert Downey Jr — along with Japan's very own Iron Man, Hal —went off on a few barrels before the premiere of Iron Man. According to Downey Jr, the barrels were asking for it and got what they deserved. Downey said, "Those barrels were mouthing off. Saying some nasty things about my performance in The Shaggy Dog and now they're going to pay." After having such a blast demolishing the barrels, Downey and Hal agreed to team up on a live action version of Donkey Kong, possibly to be helmed by Wong Kar-Wai.

In the New Yorker review of Nicolas Cage's new film Bangkok Dangerous, film critic Anthony Lane complains, "The Cage of Wild at Heart and Leaving Las Vegas found life to be engrossingly weird, and treated it accordingly, whereas the Cage of Bangkok Dangerous intones a line like 'There’s a beer in the refrigerator' as if he were reading from the Book of Micah." To that, we ask: is this something new? Nicolas Cage has always been counted on to deliver insane line readings, bizarre physicality, and all around weirdness to his roles. Hell, isn't that why we like him? In the spirit of Cage's eccentricity (and with the help of videographer Molly McAleer), we've assembled a video that chronicles the ten weirdest on-screen moments of Nicolas Cage's career. To be fair, we only allowed one moment per movie — otherwise, you'd be looking at a played-out (but delightful!) highlight reel of The Wicker Man. Enjoy!

Whatever your impressions of would-be bank robber and generally overrated fantasy maven Guillermo del Toro, his new long-term pact with Universal can't be the kind of thing that rouses too much confidence in his growth and versatility — even among fans. After his five-year commitment to The Hobbit, the filmmaker will reportedly return back to his Hellboy backers for four films in as many years. And if/when we ever write our book on the End of Ideas epidemic sweeping Hollywood, his unique stretch from this year's sequel Hellboy II to one of three remake possibilities in 2017 may be worth an entire chapter's worth of consideration:

Next Time, Cool Out With A Cruller. Pasadena native Bryan Curiel approached a trio of women at a doughnut shop in Newport Beach Sunday, and was promptly told to leave them alone. A few minutes later, they left the store, at which point Curiel sped his car directly at them—going "at least 50 mph." Curiel only managed to run over one of their feet before crashing into a nearby concrete bench. He's currently being held on $1 million bail, and charged with several felony charges including attempted murder, for which he'd get life in prison if convicted. Moral of the story? Don't just say yes to the first guy who asks you out at the doughnut shop. He could be crazy! [cbs2.com]

Amid all the gala premieres and Earth-shattering Paris Hilton controversies gripping Toronto as its film festival gets underway, only one subplot in particular has managed to coax psychoanalysts and romantic advice gurus alike out of their plush-lined caves. And to be honest, we can't believe we didn't think of it sooner: What should exes Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston — both in town with new films — do should they bump into each other on some congested red carpet, or while picking up one of those delicious sausages on Bloor Street? That's heartburn enough — but it doesn't have to be crippling, argues today's Globe and Mail:

Never one to look dowdy or frumpy, Armageddon star Liv Tyler went down to the corner market last night to pick up some milk for her cereal. While checking out at the market, the girl behind the register asked if Tyler was going to the nearby high school's homecoming dance or a movie premiere or if she was going to meet Prince Charming. Tyler said, "Nope. Just picking up some milk. Also, Prince Charming doesn't exist. Just Prince Good Enough."

The MPAA, the cabal charged with protecting American decency through movie regulation, has banned a promo poster for the upcoming Kevin Smith and Seth Rogen flick Zack And Miri Make A Porno, just before its debut in Toronto. Too blowjob-y. Considering the film's title, the only surprise is that the poster was so bland. But not bland enough! Now the forbidden ad will be seen only in Canada, as well as on dozens and dozens of websites, including this one:

Best Friendsies! Ignore everything you've heard about Paula Abdul hating that miserable, no-talent bitch Kara DioGuardi—aka the hotter, younger, more talented Paula recently added to the American Idol judging tribunal. It turns out, they love each other, just like the press release from Mike Darnell originally said they would! "Abdul told Page Six: 'The 'American Idol' cast was such a boys club, now I have a true sister to share the fun with. It's been amazing.'" Now does that seem remotely coerced? Of course not. [NY Post]

· "Ashley Judd is set to star with Dwayne Johnson in 20th Century Fox comedy Tooth Fairy." You know what's notable about that sentence? The absence of the words "The Rock" anywhere inside it! His transformation is complete! [Variety] · Cable spinoff fever! Both The Closer and The L Word have spinoffs in the works. [THR, Variety] · Voltron: Languishing in Turnaround gets a director: Max Makowski, who also wrote the Hawaii Five-O movie, and is attached to direct a movie version of the David Carradine series Kung Fu. His previous credits, curiously enough, include an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. [Variety] · You, Me and Dupree and Arrested Development directors the Russo brothers are writing and directing the movie version of Ciudad, a graphic novel about a hostage negotiation on the Paraguay border. [Variety] · ABC has ordered a pilot of Mark Burnett's The Shark Tank, which features aspiring entrepreneurs pitching their business ideas to moguls, then dropped through trapdoors into giant aquariums filled with hungry sharks. It's a hilariously literal take on life in the high-stakes business world! [THR]

For sheer, head-exploding hubris and pride, everyone knows that nothing in the industry rivals the first day of going to work on a Michael Bay film. (Though, to be fair, the thrilling last day of going to work on a Michael Bay film is never far behind.) And bless their hearts, Wal-Mart of all places underwrote an unprecedented first-hand peek of the magic behind the myth in this video from the set. With his custom "Bay-os" ("a/k/a Chaos!") Nikes all but winged and greased to better aid his propulsive shooting style, the iconic fauxteur brings it all down to Earth with an admonition to have fun, be safe and "make a lot of kids' dreams around the world." No Shia sightings here, alas; look for the eventual follow-up from Day 65, this time co-sponsored by Blue Cross and Johnson & Johnson CelebriSplints™ — your pinkie-saving partners in the greater LA area and beyond. [YouTube via /Film]