It's altogether possible that Nicolas Cage's new film Bangkok Dangerous is among his finest — a lively, entertaining adventure recalling his early years romping through movies by the Coens, David Lynch and his uncle Francis Ford Coppola. Still, we relieved most of our illusions fairly early in Cage's appearance last night on Letterman, when the Oscar-winner-for-hire confessed both his inability to distinguish his twin-brother directors from each other and his time spent fleeing Thailand's recent coup d'etat with his wife and child. But then we felt a certain restorative surge of confidence, a sort of implied Method veracity that re-established our faith in his cockroach-eating batshittery of yore. So now we're just confused. But hey as long as it's not, like, Ghost Rider 2 or... Wait, what? Oh. So much for optimism. [CBS]

A group of photographers broke up tween superstar Miley Cyrus and Dancing With The Stars contestant Cody Linley's night at the drive in movies on Tuesday. Apparently, the windows of Linley's automobile were getting too foggy preventing the capture of special or magic moment between the Hannah Montana stars. Another photographer asked if he could hop into the back seat of the car because he really wanted to watch Disaster Movie. The twosome shrugged their shoulders and allowed the man to join them in back under one condition: he gets the deluxe nachos combo and a large cherry Icee with two red vines to act as straws.

Despite what you read in the fishwraps, working from home for a gossip blog doesn't mean that you get to live like a slob. Quite the opposite, in fact, if you ask Defamer's resident glamourpuss/videographer Molly McAleer. As she attests in tonight's installment of Defamer To Do's, living in today's ultra-competitive world means that you have got to stay on point if you want to remain on top. Yes, that means wearing makeup and stunning dresses at all times — even when you're scrubbing toilets — so you can be ready to jet off at a moment's notice. If you spend the next few minutes with Molly, you'll not only learn what's going on in LA tonight, but you'll also be able to empathize with what it means to be a woman in what undoubtedly is a man's, man's world. Enjoy...· Bob Dylan @ Santa Monica Civic Center. · Three 6 Mafia @ House Of Blues. · Maude Night @ UCB.

Here it is: The trailer for Milk, Gus Van Sant's retelling of the swift rise and violent and untimely fall of America's first openly gay elected official, set against a backdrop of the swinging San Francisco of the late '70s. Everything here seems note-perfect, from Sean Penn's Horshackian (with base notes of I Am Sam) vocal inflections, to the meticulously executed period gayfros, to the Anita Bryant file footage (here's some more of Bryant getting a banana cream pie in the face; ah—that never gets old), to the portentous-but-not-too-portentous tagline: "His life changed history. His courage changed lives." You thought a pair of lovelorn cowboys shot in silhouette were enough to nudge the Oscar envelope? Just wait until Sean Penn's Best Actor clip—featuring the actor entwined in James Franco's naked folds and delivering a stirring monologue on answering one's higher calling—shows the Academy how one really gays their way to the gold.

Though we'll miss you for the next half-hour, reading the New Yorker's brand-new, 8,168-word profile of 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin is most certainly the best thing you could do all day. Entitled "Why Me?", it's the story of a manic, magnetic actor having a mid-life career resurgence obvious to everyone but Baldwin himself. Though everyone around the actor tries to convinces him that his stint as Jack Donaghy is the role of a lifetime, Baldwin can't quite settle down and enjoy himself; in fact, he initially wanted to do no more than six episodes of 30 Rock per season. That NBC wanted (and eventually got) him to sign up for more earned this hilarious, My Name is Earl-lacerating monologue from Baldwin:

The Watchmen copyright squabbles plaguing Fox and Warner Bros. will go in front of a judge next year on Jan. 6, exactly two months before the graphic novel adaptation is scheduled to open in the US. The good news for Warners and the fanboy community mouthbreathing in anticipation: Fox's quest to block the film's release is unlikely to come through that close to opening day — which in turn relegates that Wolverine boycott/piracy revenge threat to the Dustbin of Unnecessary Ideas once and for all. Alas, a trial date means someone's probably getting busted — which is where the bad news comes in.Fox remains confident in its charge that producer Larry Gordon did not fully pay to reclaim the studio's Watchmen rights before shopping them to Universal, Paramount and, finally, Warner Bros., which greenlit the project with Zack Snyder after the success of the director's 300. And while we are no lawyers, having been disbarred months ago for our special brand of vigilante justice, shouldn't this be an open-and-shut case? If the terms are in writing and Warners' only apparent defense is that Fox sat by and waited until the film was finished shooting before raising objections, we sense the judge will have even more specific ideas of how restitution might be achieved. And it will feature numbers with many zeroes left of the decimal point. That Harry Potter bump looks more purposeful every day.

How does an unwed teen mother like Jamie Lynn Spears occupy her free time, now that the father of her baby is out touching tongues with predatory cougars? Why, by taking an interest in politics, of course! In the tradition of amateur pundit Lindsay Lohan and Swiftian theorist Albert Brooks, Jamie Lynn is the latest celeb to weigh in on the Sarah Palin Juneau scandal, but the starlet isn't content to confine her thoughts to a mere blog post. No, according to CelebTV, she's actually sending a gift to fellow teen mother Bristol Palin:

While the Labor Day holiday traditionally spells the end of summertime, Christina Ricci believes otherwise. Ricci, along with her Speed Racer co-star/boyfriend Kick Gurry, took full advantage of the empty beaches of Malibu on Tuesday afternoon. In between tanning sessions and delightful romps through the surf, Ricci said, "It's the perfect time for a beach trip. No kids. No teens. No tourists. I'd be so depressed if I had to spend my day trapped in an office with weather like this. It's amazing!."

After her latest round of plastic surgery, Joan Rivers has once again sparked concern that her postmodern facial sculpting has perhaps gone one operation too far. "My motto is, 'Better a new face coming out of an old car than an old face coming out of a new car.' Spend your money on you," the Daily Mail quotes her as saying, but clearly the stakes have soared beyond self-service satisfaction: Rivers is but the latest boldface name to join the increasingly cutthroat Joker-Alike 2008 competition, in which grinning celebrities and their psychotic celluloid doppelgangers square off for ear-to-ear supremacy. Have a closer look at the finalists — and vote for a (or nominate your own) winner after the jump.A. Joan Rivers

Breaking News: Jennifer Aniston is a desperate, man-obsessed stalker...on a fall episode of 30 Rock, shooting right now in New York! The former Friends actress will play Claire Harper, a "free-spirited, Fatal Attraction-like stalker" (and ex-roommate of Tina Fey's Liz Lemon) who falls for Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin). After his efforts to rebuff her finally sink in, "Claire" will go a bunny-killing rampage that coincidentally claims the lives of Aniston enemies John Mayer and Wendy Williams. "No one told you life was gonna end this way," she will sing, before the clap-clap-clap of her handgun brings the scene to a close. [Us]

Despite crafting an elaborate plan involving a system of rope lines, helicopters and intensive flash photography, Suri Cruise was unable to make a clean getaway from parent Katie Holmes in New York on Tuesday night. Suri admitted that she failed to account for one thing: her mother's sunglasses. Cruise said, "I always forget about her sunglasses. I thought maybe for once she would be a normal person and not wear them since you know, it's night. Nope, mommy wanted to pretend she was a rock star yet again." Cruise place a share of the blame on the actors she hired for the failed attempt on Tuesday night. Cruise added, "You get what you pay for when you use Craigslist. I was paying in pizza rolls and I got a bunch of dudes from New Jersey." Cruise still remains optimistic and plans on making another getaway in the near future, perhaps during a snowstorm.

· Noted shlockteur Stephen Sommers will write and direct Warner Bros.'s splashy Tarzan remake, set to push the flimsy-loincloth envelope further than any version to come before. [Variety] · Ravenous Spanish pantry-pirate Gwyneth Paltrow has hopped aboard a space skiff and escaped the CAA Death Star, having signed on with UTA on Tuesday afternoon. The direct implications this has upon your day-to-day lives should be negligible. [Variety] · Ted Danson has been cast in HBO comedy pilot Bored to Death, playing the "pompous but articulate magazine editor" mentor to Jason Schwartzman's "struggling Brooklyn writer with a drinking problem." [THR] · The Wonder Years writer-producer Bob Brush has been given a very strings-attached pilot order of Lost in the '80s, pitched as what happens when "Fast Times at Ridgemont High meets The Ice Storm," then sleeps with The Ice Storm's best friend Square Pegs, accidentally getting her pregnant and producing a son named Ordinary People. [THR] · Surprise! SAG and the AMPTP are fighting. The latest: SAG sent a 12-page letter to members outlining their problems with the producers' final offer, which they characterize as "one-sided and filled with misrepresentations." [THR]

At long last we get an unobstructed view of Zack and Miri Make A Porno, Kevin Smith's little, "Hey—Let's Put on a Donkey Show and Save the Community Center!" comedy, with this redband trailer. We were hooked quite early into the proceedings, with Justin Long's cameo as an adult male video star. (Come to think of it, the Mac guy has the perfect name to adorn a Falcon DVD sleeve.) Landing upon the perfect theme—Star Whores (maybe chief LucasArts licenser Howard Roffman could lend them a few creamy-skinned boys from his stable)—Zack, the lovely Elizabeth "Miri" Banks, and friends go upon the business of making if not the greatest porn of all time, at least the greatest erotic home video to incorporate the use of magical queef bubbles. Enjoy the filth!

Beyond the impressively reported (if eye-glazing) details of Raffaello Follieri's shady dealings with everyone from the Catholic Church to Ron Burkle, the accused con man and Holy Beancounter's lengthy profile in the new issue of Vanity Fair features essential insights into how one might court his ex Anne Hathaway. For starters, thick Italian charm and a dozen roses go a long way to balance out being an hour late for your first date. Manhattan penthouses are OK, and six-figure vacations are especially sexy — especially those including an audience with the Pope and/or a stiffed host suing to collect rental fees. Forget all that, though; at the end of the day, nothing gets Hathaway hotter than a humanitarian:

It isn't as easy as you might think to be Harry Potter — sure, there's all that tween-supplied dough to roll in, but whenever your film gets delayed, you know that some crackpot from Fox News will blame it on your private magic wand. Small wonder, then, that Harry portrayer Daniel Radcliffe wants to forgo that magic stick entirely in his next role (or at least tuck it somewhere so hidden you'd need a summoning charm to get it out). Says Details:

Charges have been filed against two surfers who rose to the defense of their brah-in-arms, Matthew McConaughey, when they felt his groove was being unfairly threatened by encroaching paparazzi at Malibu's Paradise Cove last June. From the Reuters report:

Katherine Heigl's alleged heart of steel began to soften up after playing with a pit bull puppy on Tuesday night. After playing with the dog for a few moments, Heigl felt that she might not be able to handle all the cuteness. Heigl said, "He's just sooooo cute," before descending into five minutes of pure gibberish and baby talk. After ten minutes of playtime, the puppy's owner was anxious to get back home, but Heigl showed no signs of letting go.

Sitting down with Rolling Stone for a rare interview, David Letterman opened up on his two-step process of alienating and courting some of his most famous guest-emies—towering pop culture figures like Madonna, Oprah, and Richard Simmons—as well as his own plans for retirement. ("I would like to go beyond [my contracted] 2010, not much beyond," he told them.) He was also asked to weigh in on the curious scheduling shift going on at his old network NBC, where top ratings-getter Jay Leno is being forcibly vacated to make room for new The Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien, and his Late Night successor, Jimmy Fallon. No one is more confused about the changes than Letterman:

You knew it was bound to happen: Oliver Stone's gauntlet-throw to chronicle a sitting president by Election Day would be one-upped by an ambitious upstart determined to develop, produce and release a film about a campaigning candidate by the same time. And just like that, from a Defamer operative, comes Juneau, the untold story of Bristol Palin, her babydaddy and one Alaskan governor/vice-presidential hopeful to rule them all. Who knew the sleeper hit of the season would come out of the GOP Convention and not Toronto? Even Roger Ebert is into it! Let the bidding war begin.

Perhaps you've heard, but a little show called 90210 premiered last night on the CW (to record ratings) and nobody is happier about it than lead actress Shenae Grimes, the smilingest girl who ever smiled. Though she's ostensibly playing the show's Brenda Walsh archetype, Grimes eschewed Shannen Doherty's near-goth hauteur to deliver two hours of the biggest, widest, most non-stop smiling since Denise Richards grinned her way through Starship Troopers. With the help of videographer Molly McAleer, we've assembled a montage of Grimes compulsively flashing those pearly whites; whether she's flirting with the school bad boy, bantering with a terrifyingly well-preserved Lori Loughlin, or wondering, "Gee, doesn't this high school seem like it came out of a generic Anytown, USA rather than a truly decadent Beverly Hills," Grimes simply can't stop beaming. Shenae, we're sorry — but like bad-girl blogger Silver, we're simply speaking the truth. Don't worry, we're still BFF's. Catch you at The Pit? [The CW]