Having recovered from her recent airport tussle with nary a scratch, Nikki Blonsky appeared on Entertainment Tonight yesterday to give her first interview since her arrest for assault last month in Turks and Caicos. Naturally, we tuned in expecting the bruising, riveting play-by-play: The offending remarks made by Blonsky adversary/ANTM contestant Bianca Golden; how Nikki's father got involved; exactly which tag-team manuevers constitute the "Blonsky Sandwich"... The good stuff, for Christ's sake. Alas, the Blonskys' lawyer layeth down his own signature move known as the "Fluff Nelson," stripping even Golden's name from the story in favor of anecdotes about Zac Efron's unwavering support and the family that had her back all along. We're touched and everything, but wake us for the rematch in court. [ET]

Just Asking: Were we the only ones who noticed the prominently placed Restylane commercial during last night's episode of The Rachel Zoe Project? And was it at all bizarre that the ad placed on almost exclusive emphasis on filling in wrinkles surrounding the mouth? What exactly are you trying to say, Bravo? [The Rachel Zoe Project]

Gosh—are the Emmy Awards here already? While we make the last arrangements for our fabulous Emmy Awards Liveblog Extravaganza and eco-themed after-party Sunday (hey—who seated America Ferrera next to Blake Lively? There's gonna be so much eye-rolling going down, it's gonna be like it's all Scanners up in he-yuh!), we thought we'd do our part for anyone else out there scrambling to pull things together in time. We dutifully pass along, then, this Craigslist ad seeking a highly specific brand of companionship for the big show:

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the world premiere for his latest film, Eagle Eye, Shia LaBeouf brought a unique guest along with him: an anatomically correct, life-sized Megan Fox doll. Fox wanted to attend the premiere with her Transformers co-star, but scheduling conflicts prevented her from making it last night. So in order to show Shia that she still cares, Fox spent the afternoon being poked and prodded by the Transformers special FX wizards. While she felt that the team got a little bit handsy during the molding sessions, she was assured that it was completely necessary in order to create the fully working and stunningly lifelike doll. LaBeouf was initially disappointed when he learned that Fox was cancelling on him, but that feeling was quickly replaced with delight when he discovered the foxy clone in his trailer. Reportedly, he has been making the most of his new present. LaBeouf said, “Looks like somebody will be riding in the carpool lane from now on.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

When we wondered a few weeks ago whether Josh Brolin might be bringing too much sexual energy to his role as George W. Bush in the upcoming Oliver Stone-directed biopic W., little did we know how much extra erotic mojo the actor has to throw around. In fact, in an interview with (the very appropriately named) W magazine, a freshly unjailed Brolin revealed the recipient of his most unlikely sexual crush — his own father, James Brolin:

What a Gyp: So what did $2,500 get you at last night's wallet-draining Barbra Streisand concert for Barack Obama? Four songs — and not even her best, we hear, with Streisand going all conceptual during a quartet featuring, "When the Sun Comes Out," "Make Someone Happy," "What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?" and "Shining Hour." Meanwhile, for $26,000 more you could have shared rubber chicken and a playful slap from the candidate himself: "[T]his is not a game. This is not a reality show, no offense to any of you," Obama told an elite, amused gathering of 250 industry insiders. "This is not a sitcom." Expect a fair, even-handed and appropriately unfunny SNL riff on the matter this weekend. [Fox News]

Tossing The Old Eight-Ball Around In The Backyard: The LAT reports: "Ryan O'Neal and his son were being booked on suspicion of narcotics possession this morning after a probation search at the actor's Malibu home, authorities said. Deputies found Redmond O'Neal, 24, in possession of methamphetamine while a vial of the drug was found in Ryan O'Neal's bedroom, said Los Angeles County Sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore. The father and son will be held in lieu of $10,000 bail, he said." [LAT]

An Important Drama like Brokeback Mountain has been many things to many people since its release three years ago, but who knew it was a budding franchise? Not only is the cowboys-in-love tale going opera, but ardent internet fans continue to sequelize the film with fan fiction, side stories and improbable follow-ups. Why, even Defamer has gotten into the act — Ang, the rights for "Ennis and Jack's Outrageous UFO Adventure" (above) are still available. Call us! However, there's one person who finds these add-ons downright Jack Nasty, and she's Annie Proulx, the tale's original author. As she told the Wall Street Journal:

To roll out their all-new level of Black Tie Geek Squad Protection (the geeks arrive in stretch limousines, carry silver trays, and are all named Giles), Best Buy enlisted the celebrity services of "Four Icons of Protection, Steven Seagal, Richard Dean Anderson and Tanya Roberts," according to the press release. (That's just three, but who's counting?) Our Zune-taunting cousins at Gizmodo were there to catch all the excitement. Sadly, despite the best efforts of the emcee urging him to, "Take this pack of chewing gum, a pogo stick shaft, and a box of nail filings, and make something blow up already!" MacGyver proved to be about as mechanically minded as our mom.Seagal, however, was even more of a disappointment, throwing a fit as soon as he mounted the stage over the intensity of the stage lights. You'd think someone with as much experience starring in a string of marginally beloved martial arts movies, and shredding his blues away on the El Rey stage, would be accustomed to the hot glare of theatrical lighting. If we had to guess, however, we'd say his vampiric reaction might have to do with flashbacks to the powerful lamp shoved into his face by overzealous FBI agents trying to connect the actor to the Anthony Pellicano racketeering scandal.

Perhaps we spoke too soon emphasizing Tina Fey's status as our go-to Sarah Palin doppelganger, but we never really spotted an alternative that signaled the same hair-up, hockey-mom charm radiated by the Alaska governor. Until today, that is, and how's this for context: According to NBC's Web site, its fall miniseries/video game adaptation XIII "begins dramatically as the first female U.S. President is shot dead by a sniper during her Veteran's Day speech." It was a classy-enough touch to anticipate Hillary Clinton's candidacy, we suppose, but casting Mimi Kuzyk as doomed Palin-lookalike Sally Sheridan was just prescience gone spectacularly wrong. The enlarged photo follows the jump.And it gets better: Stephen Dorff stars as the amnesiac could-be assassin, with Val Kilmer appearing as the mercenary pursuing him. They started filming way back in April, when Bristol Palin was still unseeded and Mike Huckabee was the biggest thorn in McCain's side. The Peacock has all the luck these days! Anyway, for now, XIII is still on for an unspecified date later this fall — much later.

Click to viewBoomp3.com An ectoplasmic life form in the shape of one time musician Courtney Love terrorized a local Malibu strip mall on Tuesday afternoon. The grunge icon floated from boutique to boutique, leaving behind a trail of fine green viscous goo while on a mission to find a pair of killer boots and jeans. Shelley Jones, an unsuspecting customer, was harassed by the malevolent force and wasn’t too happy about it. Jones said, “I’m trying on these jeans and I’m partially dressed when out of nowhere Courtney Love’s torso pops through the side of the dressing room mumbling something about a size 4 jeans. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to call for help, but what kind of help are you going to get at a snotty boutique?” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

It was the question that had all of America's small, CW-watching audience in its thrall for about a week, tops: who is the father of Kelly's baby on 90210? Sure, Canada took great pains to give away the show's secret, but for spoiler-avoiding true patriots, last night's episode finally revealed the babydaddy behind Beverly Hills's most famous "splash-off".Jennie Garth had her own take on the matter, telling People:

Armed with his own circuitous logic and a disarming smile, Shia LaBeouf has proven himself as masterful at one-handed P.R. spin as he is twirling a stiletto. Remember how he turned his Walgreen's arrest into a hilarious comedy pitch about a young movie star's escalating feud with a drugstore security guard? (Throw in Bow Wow and Martin Lawrence, call it Crunk & Disorderly, it's as good as a slam dunk.) A terrible Indiana Jones installment only seems awful and cartoonish because the audience has devolved (or evolved? We still don't quite get this one), not the movie. And a DUI arrest and near fatal car accident becomes a life-affirming anecdote on The Tonight Show. By the end of the telling, the whole "DUI" part seems but a distant memory, as you're entirely too preoccupied with the closeup of the gnarled fingernail LaBeouf touchingly presents to Leno—a trophy from his ordeal, suitable for mounting—to concern yourself with the details of the case. [The Tonight Show]

Did the internet just cause Sarah Palin to destroy evidence? The potential Veep is in a bit of trouble for conducting state business using her personal, unarchived email address (gov.sarah@yahoo.com) instead of her official account (which is, of course, subject to laws requiring the retention of government records). Emails from that Yahoo account are already being sought in connection with the Troopergate investigation. Now comes word that Anonymous, the fun-loving Internet trouble-makers based loosely around the message board 4Chan, gained access to another Palin email account: gov.palin@yahoo.com. It looks legit! The offending posts, screenshots, heretofore unseen family photos, and emails have all been deleted from Imageshack and 4Chan. But we have them. You want to read Sarah Palin's email? Ok, sad thing first: a good Samaritan reset the password and tried to alert Sarah. But he also posted the new password, causing multiple people to try to log in at once, freezing the account for 24 hours. And now, the account has been deleted! Which is, as we said, maybe destruction of evidence? So for now this is, we think, all we'll get to see from this email account (if anyone finds evidence of saved emails, let us know.) The full timeline of events, with corroborating evidence of the legitimacy of these screengrabs, is here. Here's why it all looks convincing:

Saturday Night Live has a long, storied history of political satire, a reputation that was only burnished after this past Saturday's well-received Tina Fey-as-Sarah Palin skit. The venerable comedy institution has been known to move the cultural dial with some of its depictions, whether it was the spring sketch that famously declared the media to be "in the tank" for Barack Obama or its 2000 impersonation of Al Gore as a "lockbox"-brandishing scold. Still, we're a bit puzzled by some of the quotes from an event held Monday at the Museum of the Moving Image, where Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler, and Lorne Michaels met to discuss their satirical process:

The trades are alight with hellfire today as the End of Ideas train has derailed once again, exploding and settling a fine, acrid dust on the surfaces of morning lattes all over town. And as you sip yours, know that you're not hallucinating, despite what you've read: Sony really does plan a sequel to the late Chris Farley's non-essential Beverly Hills Ninja, summoning a script from the original film's screenwriter and conceiving it as the first mainstream American film to be shot entirely in South Korea. We're sure the nation is thrilled — more excited, anyhow, than it would be if it faced the prospect of a contemporary Snow White revision tentatively titled Georgia and the Seven Associates. Right. As in "lawyers":

We hardly consider it overstatement to declare this The Golden Age of What's Going On in Alec Baldwin's Noggin, for never before have we—the more-than-casual Baldwin obsessionists that we are—had access to literally reams and reams of the ursine 30 Rock star's internal musings. There was, of course, the recent 8,000+ word profile in the New Yorker, in which we learned that something about the Hamptons air turns Baldwin into a deerstalking homosexual nudist. Yes, that was good—but it wasn't enough! So we dive now—like a hairy, naked gay man into a platter of freshly broiled venison—into leaked excerpts from Baldwin's upcoming memoir, "A Promise to Ourselves." In it, he reveals how villainous, sippy-straw-twirling TMZ suzerain Harvey Levin very nearly drove him to suicide with the release of his infamous Thoughtless Little Pig voicemail:

· This montage of every "That's what she said" from The Office is a little long but guaranteed to put a smile on your face. (3...2...1...) [YouTube] · Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have entered the 2008 Guinness Book of World Records as Most Powerful Actress and Actor, respectively. In a related item, the Guinness Book of World Records has just been named keepers of the World's Most Shameless Publicity Ploy! [Us] · Morecowbell.dj allows you to upload any MP3 and add as much cowbell or Walken as you like using handy faders. It's just one of those modern conveniences you didn't know you couldn't live without until you finally had one. [Morecowbell.dj] · If you haven't seen it yet, here's the CNN prank in which two guys fake-make-out with each other as a reporter discusses the Lehman Brothers collapse. It doesn't get hot n' heavy until one of them goes for a nipple. Then all bets are off. [YouTube] · Want to know what Sarah Palin would have named you if she was—shudder—your mom? Try the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator and find out! (We're Missle Blunt Palin, which we're perfectly happy with.) [politsk.blogspot.com]

Now that mogulsexual Ryan Seacrest finally has an American Idol season to start taping, he's shelved his budding bromance with NBC head Ben Silverman to get back to what he does worst: trading barbs with Simon Cowell. To kick off this latest round of homoerotic oversharing, Seacrest landed himself on Ellen DeGeneres's couch, where he proceeded to mock Cowell's self-obsession and accuse the withering judge of a Botox addiction. Yes, Ryan Seacrest called someone else out for metrosexual grooming. Removing your blond highlights can really embolden a man. [The Ellen DeGeneres Show]

Click to viewBoomp3.com America has spent much of the summer of 2008 falling in love all over again with Robert Downey Jr. It wasn't only his acting prowess, mind you, but also his fantastic facial hair. However, the changing of the seasons means that it's time for him to shave off his beloved goofy mustache. The Iron Man debuted his (mostly) clean shaven look at the UK premiere for Tropic Thunder. Downey Jr. said, “I think the mustache had ran its course. It tickled my wife when we kissed. It was an excellent flavor saver. For a while, it smelled like a Robeks and I loved it. Now, I have to go to work and become an adult all over again.” [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.