· Good news, gift bag lovers: The collapse of the U.S. economy hasn't yet touched the Global Swag Markets. But in these times of heightened sensitivity, gifting suites have set up charity booths where the celebrities can dump off their newly acquired Helios for a more needy celebrity in foreclosure. [Variety] · The last Wednesday before the official kickoff of the 2008 Fall TV season—marked by the ceremonial igniting of Katherine Heigl's hair by a torch carried by John Krasinski—went to Fox's Bones and NBC's America's Got Talent. [Variety] · Freddie Highmore, Bill Nighy, Miranda Richardson and Sienna Miller will all provide the voices for Little Jack, an animated movie about a fox who tries to break his father out of the circus, where he's billed as The World's Tiniest, Hairiest Woman Who Looks Like a Fox. Carnies can be so cruel. [Variety]· Gil Kenan and Robert Zemeckis, the men who brought you motion-capture funhouse Monster House, are now making Airman, based on the book about a boy birthed on a hot air balloon. That sounds so much cooler than the back of a tricked-out van with a Jethro Tull logo spray-painted on the side. Not that we're complaining. [THR] · Ed Burns's brother Brian has three projects set up at CBS and HBO, including an arson procedural. It was John Krasinski! We saw him do it! [THR] · 90210 sensi-hottie Dustin Milligan will play a gigolo-for-hire in Mike Judge's Extract, which also stars Kristen Wiig as Ben Affleck's wife, and which we're getting more and more excited about. [THR]

When we solicited thoughts on VP candidate Sarah Palin from reality star Brooke Hogan, Brooke's naive response of "Who's that?" initially echoed in our hearts as a poignant reminder of the bygone, pre-Palin media era. You can imagine our confusion, then, when Hogan appeared on today's Howard Stern show and as the subject of the now-notorious Defamer video came up, she coolly denied that we'd ever asked her about Sarah Palin in the first place:Still, her tenuous grasp on the memory is understandable, as proven when Stern and Co. continue to quiz her about presidential candidates (asked Obama's first name, she carefully answers, "'Barack' or something?"), forcing an overwhelmed Hogan to cry out, "There's too many friggin' people in office!" Perhaps that would explain the blank she draws when asked the name of the current Vice President? The answer, dear Brooke, is "Dick Cheney," and it's as plain as the nose on your face (which, if you're not careful, Mr. Cheney will shoot off). [Howard Stern]

Win a Seat at the Oscars! Or at least in the bleachers outside the Kodak Theater, where the Academy will randomly select a "few hundred" fans to heckle Diablo Cody celebrate the arrivals of the Oscar attendees next Feb. 22. Sign-ups begin Monday and end Sept. 28. If it's anything like this year's prospectively well-hung Emmy arrivals, it can't hurt to apply. [AMPAS]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Underwear model/country crooner Justin Gatson thought his budding relationship with teen megastar Miley Cyrus hit a stumbling block after receiving the dreaded 'peace out.' Gatson assumed that things were going well despite their slight age gap, and they had some fun times like going to CityWalk, Old Towne Pasadena and FroYo. Cyrus turned around and said, “I’m not peaceing out on us. I’m peaceing out because I’m not allowed to stay out past 11 or eat anything or get wet. It’s like that movie, Gremlins. We’re awesome though. It’s just that I need to go home.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Part of getting in shape for our epic Emmy liveblog this Sunday involves gritting it out through even the toughest conditioning regimens. Today is our equivalent of the Alps stage of the Tour De France: Like the shameless cultural terrorist he is, halfwit Gold Derby gadfly Tom O'Neil videotaped his recent ambush of Real Time host Bill Maher, a 20-time Emmy loser who stands to notch No. 21 this weekend when he faces The Daily Show in the Variety category. (O'Neil notes 19 in the video, but Maher added another at last weekend's Creative Arts ceremony.) Observe after the jump how gracefully Maher handles his inquisitor's googly-eyed ineptitude before finally indulging a variation on the ageless "Who wants one of those ugly-ass trophies anyway" defense. Clearly he has bigger prizes in mind; we'll witness history Sunday either way. Join us! [Gold Derby]

BREAKING NEWS: Over the wires from Us Weekly comes this exclusive, breaking story, which the magazine immediately rushed to the top of its website: "Jennifer Lopez's Sister Has Baby Girl!" According to the magazine, sister Lynda "and her beau Adam Goldfried" welcomed their daughter into the world on August 28. Knowledge of this three-week-old birth from the sister of a celebrity is now yours — must credit Us Weekly. [Us]

As everyone with a working internet connection and a pair of rabbit ears atop their TV set may have learned, beloved comedy legend Tina Fey deigned to return to Saturday Night Live this past weekend, playing vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin ("Who's that?") in a performance as accurate as it was sensitive and even-handed. Why, even Palin herself enjoyed the skit, as her spokesperson told CBS News. There's just one catch: Palin watched the whole thing on mute and never turned up the volume dial, which she then had fired. According to Star:

Mere hours after officially declining to buy into the Borat franchise, Abu Dhabi's new billion-dollar film enterprise may soon rebuff yet another burgeoning cultural nemesis: Mickey Mouse. The magazine Israel Today reports this week that a Muslim cleric has issued a fatwa urging the murder of the Disney mascot, "whom he characterized as an agent of Satan sent to corrupt young minds." It's not just that his kids keep asking to watch Fantasia during Ramadan, either, but something far more fundamentally unsound:

Didn't we almost have it all, America? Why, it was just a few weeks ago when we learned that E! had mercy-killed its celeb reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated, leading to cheers, emailed hugs, and exultant praise to God around the blogosphere. "Just when I think there's no redeeming the entertainment industry as a whole," said one of our commenters, "somebody makes a smart move like cancelling this famewhore's piece of crap show, and I start to see a little glimmer of light on the horizon." Get ready to bust out some candles, everybody: that glimmer's gettin' snuffed! According to Us Weekly:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Doting stage husband Tom Cruise was on pins and needles as he watched his ladylove, Katie Holmes, go through her final dress rehearsal of All My Sons. Cruise admitted that his nerves got the best of him during the performance tonight. “It was just so moving and profound," he said. "It felt like I was giving birth. My water may have broke right before the second act. It was that beautiful.” Cruise went to give Holmes her traditional post-performance hug and a firm handshake, but Holmes opted for the firm handshake instead. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Apparently looking to expand the modest scope that exploited its Pirates of the Caribbean attraction as a nearly eight-hour, $3 billion-grossing trilogy, Disney now plans to mine an entire portion of Disneyland for the franchise of the future. Literally: The studio has reportedly commissioned a pair of writers to develop the script for a film based on Tomorrowland, with Dwayne Johnson attached to star as a minimum-wage ride operator whose fantasies of updating Star Tours lead to a thrilling adventure through the Lucas/Disney black hole of bureaucracy. Or... something. If Disney knows, its overlords aren't talking:

· Come to think of it, Conan O'Brien would make a suitable stand-in for an Irish Setter for all your dog-head-cleaning demonstrations. [Late Night] · Well, lookee what Gawker turned up: Sarah Palin's personal e-mail account, including her entire contact list, which she apparently tried to delete out of existence. On cue, the McCain camp are throwing a shit fit. We're just going to snack on some moosepuffs and watch it all play out from a safe distance. This is totally better than The Hills! [Gawker] · Looks like we're not the only ones jazzed about this development! [The Internet] · It's Ryan O'Neal's Father-Son Meth Bust Day mugshot. [TSG] · We prefer the more Anderson Cooperesque Ben Stiller, but it's really just a matter of taste. [Daily Mail]

The inflow of foreign cash to Hollywood may look stalled with the DreamWorks/Reliance deal held up in all these fashionable new bank implosions, but as discovered earlier this month, the oil barons of Abu Dhabi have enough stashed under their mattresses to greenlight some $1 billion worth of film projects over the next five years. The guy the emirate brought in to spend it, ex-Disney overlord Edward Borgerding, has hinted at a few of his more modest goals in recent weeks — "[Abu Dhabi Media Company] is fulfilling its ambition to become a global player in the media industry," he told the Financial Times — but only finally spelled out his real plot for world conquest in a new interview with Sharon Waxman:

Click to viewBoomp3.com While she may be able to juggle a successful acting career and a successful personal life, Gossip Girl star Blake Lively was not able to juggle her beloved maltepoo and her equally beloved Caramel Macchiato. Lively walked for a couple of blocks juggling the two precious items before handing the frothy espresso beverage off to her bodyguard. Yet as soon as Lively gave the drink to her bodyguard, she found herself craving a quick sip. Lively whispered, “I know this may sound weird, but could you help me take a drink from my coffee?” The bodyguard slowly brought the cup to Lively’s lips and gently poured the drink, after which Lively emitted a giant, satisfied sigh. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Any Straight-to-Flopz masterpiece can top out below $100,000 theatrically, but it takes a special kind of crap to do so with a real star above the line. Take Surfer, Dude, the new Matthew McConaughey adventure-in-shirtlessness that found exactly zero takers at Rotten Tomatoes and not many more upon its release in 96 theaters nationwide: $36,497 worth, to be precise, likely prompting the actor/producer/placenta vintner to wonder if perhaps he should have saved the comma in the film's title for the total gross. It's too late for that, though, and in any case, he has good — if slim — company in the so-called Nickel Club: A-listers with recent films that couldn't break $100K domestically before heading off to home-entertainment oblivion. Take a deep breath of equally rare air after the jump.· Jessica Simpson, Blonde Ambition — $6,422 Like several of her fellow Nickel Clubbers, Simpson fared much better internationally. A lot better. As in, 99.6% of Ambition's $1.4 million gross was earned overseas. But things will come around once she pays her dues; it doesn't get much harder than a minty love scene with Dane Cook. · Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie — $27,696 Another global sensation who nevertheless couldn't hack it at home, Hilton has since moved into documentaries. We salute her new strategy and wish her only the best. · John Cusack, Grace is Gone — $50,899 An oft-told tale of hubris, mistiming and waste: Cusack's award-winning Sundance drama cashed in at Park City with $4 million of Harvey Weinstein's money. The mogul dumped the film and his Oscar-campaign plans by the end of the year. NB: Cusack's follow-up, War Inc., did 10 times the business last spring almost entirely via word-of-mouth, never creeping over 33 screens. Honorable Mention: Katherine Heigl, Zyzzyx Road — $30 Filmed not long before Heigl broke through on Grey's Anatomy, history's lowest-grossing release sold exactly five tickets during a one-week run in Dallas in 2006 — one of which was purchased by its own makeup artist. It has picked up nicely as a cult DVD, on wwhich Heigl receives top billing. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Donate After Reading: Brad Pitt has famously said he won't marry Angelina Jolie until gay marriage is legalized all over the country, and now, he's putting his money where his mouth is. According to the LAT, Pitt has become the first A-list celebrity to make a major donation ($100,000) to the campaign to fight Proposition 8, which is designed to take away the same-sex marriage rights awarded to Californians this summer. In a statement, he said, "Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." Your move, Babs! [LAT]

Before the first show of the 90210 reboot even aired, Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer went on record giving her full support to series star Shenae Grimes (aka, Brenda 2.0). But news that Shenae is beginning to transform into Shannen Doherty 2.0 has got this long time Degrassi fan worried. In tonight's installment of To Dos, Molls confesses to being concerned that Shenae's already letting the show's early success go to her head.· Cat Power at the Hollywood Bowl. · Janet Jackson at the Staples Center. · Jon Lovitz at the Laugh Factory.

It ain't easy being Lynne Spears: sure, you can live off the wealth accumulated from your daughters' hard work and sell their teen pregnancy secrets to OK! for a million dollars, but occasionally, people will think you're a bad parent! That's why it's important for Lynne to set the record straight, and the Today Show gave her just the forum this morning. Hawking her book Through the Storm, Lynne discussed the perils of overexposing your children, something that will surely be nipped in the bud by her incredibly revealing tell-all about daughter Britney's loss of virginity. Congratulations, Lynne: here's your celebratory Cheeto. [Today]

Click to viewBoomp3.com While the US economy remains in an explosive state, some Americans — like Kirsten Dunst— have begun to look for a second job to supplement their lifestyle. The How to Lose Friends & Alienate People star recently apply for a position as a greeter at a local Wal Mart Super Center. Dunst felt like she’d be perfect for the position because she’s a total people person and enjoys making people feel at home. Dunst even practiced greeting people at the premiere for Hound Dog. Dunst said, “It’s not a life or death situation that I get a second job. I would like a second job and I want to fully prepare for my interview. I can actually say that I have greeting experience instead of lying about it on my resume.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

· Nicole Kidman will star in The Eighth Wonder, an action-adventure whose goal "is to be to Raiders of the Lost Ark what the Bourne movies are to James Bond movies." Damn—comparisons were always our SAT Achilles' heel. We're just going to darken the oval next to Romancing the Stone and be done with it. [THR] · Miley Cyrus will star in a Disney movie tailor-made for the virginal superstar by author Nicholas Sparks, whom we hold personally responsible for the recent shmaltzalanche to devastate Hollywood. How can he make us blubber sufficiently if the lead actress can't even consummate her love for the soldier she reluctantly waves off to war from a sunlit dock? We shall see. [Variety] · Michael "For My Next Song, I'll Play Beethoven's Concerto No. 5 in E-flat Major and Sparkle My Pants Off!" Douglas will first star as a horny auto magnate in Solitary Man. [Variety] · David Spade will star in Divorced Guys. [Variety] · True Blood already got its second season pickup after just two episode airings, with effusive network reps citing an "unprecedented" 24% increase in viewers since the premiere, who roundly found the show "a lot less awful and confusing than John From Cincinnati!" [THR]