Cougarfornication. Well, this should go well: "David Duchovny, Demi Moore and Amber Heard will form the perfect family in 'The Joneses,' a social commentary with comedic elements." We'd suggest Ashton Kutcher will be a permanent presence on the set, but let's face it—Demi's too old for Duchovny. Which leaves Maxim Hot 100 #21 Heard most at risk. Also a possibility: Kutcher himself. He'd be the alcoholic's equivalent of chugging mouthwash—not ideal, but scratches the itch when there's no real hooch available. [THR]

By now you're well aware that William "Bill" Shatner has not been written into J.J. Abrams's Star Trek movie, an egregious cast omission all but certain to sink this latest Enterprise before it even manages to nudge itself off its launching dock. But the fact of the matter is that he isn't, and while we seem to have come to terms with it, Shatner has not. It has thus evolved into precisely the kind of nerd-slight that gets bounced to and fro on the internets for us to stand by and watch like some interminable Pong game, just with less suspense or investment in the outcome. The latest chapter sucks Shatner's daughter Liz into the proceedings—surprisingly normal-looking considering she was the product of a one-beam-stand with a hot little green number from Orion—in which they both clear the record. Bill was not, we repeat not, approached to appear in Star Trek, J.J. Won't you reconsider? No? OK.

It's just two days before television's biggest event (that isn't the American Idol finale, the Oscars, or a political convention speech), and we at Defamer are gearing up to fulfill all your Emmy needs — at least, the ones that don't involve white linen slacks. Don't forget, we'll be blogging the Emmys live from the East Coast starting at 7pm EDT/4pm PDT (West Coast spoilerphobes, beware: the Emmys air here tape-delayed). So who do we expect to be taking home the hardware? After the jump, get our official predictions in the Emmys' comedy categories (for dramas, head right here):Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series 30 Rock - Alec Baldwin Monk - Tony Shalhoub The Office - Steve Carell Pushing Daisies - Lee Pace Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen With last year's surprise winner Ricky Gervais out of the mix, the stage is set for Alec Baldwin to take home the first of what will most likely be several Emmys for his role as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. Clinching the deal? Baldwin submitted the episode containing this season's instant classic therapy scene: Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series 30 Rock - Tina Fey The New Adventures of Old Christine - Julia Louis-Dreyfus Samantha Who? - Christina Applegate Ugly Betty - America Ferrera Weeds - Mary-Louise Parker If this is not Tina Fey, Sarah Palin will have all the Emmy voters fired. Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series Entourage - Kevin Dillon Entourage - Jeremy Piven How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris The Office - Rainn Wilson Two and a Half Men - Jon Cryer While Neil Patrick Harris has had a career-best year, How I Met Your Mother is still little-seen. The Emmys fear change, especially in the comedy category (five-time winner Candice Bergen and four-time winner John Laroquette both eventually withdrew their names to give other actors a chance), so this award should go to the Pivs in a walk. Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series Pushing Daisies - Kristin Chenoweth Samantha Who? - Jean Smart Saturday Night Live - Amy Poehler Two and a Half Men - Holland Taylor Ugly Betty - Vanessa Williams My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly took home this award last year, but this time she's not even nominated (neither was dark horse Jenna Fischer for The Office). Kudos to Amy Poehler for becoming the first modern Saturday Night Live performer to score a supporting actor nomination, but Emmy loves a veteran, so we expect this to go to two-time winner Jean Smart. Outstanding Comedy Series 30 Rock Curb Your Enthusiasm Entourage The Office Two and a Half Men Curb Your Enthusiasm is a weak-fill in for last year's nominee Ugly Betty; frankly, we're surprised that the dazzling Pushing Daisies pilot couldn't muster up the votes to fill that fifth slot (the strike-truncated season could have sapped its momentum). All the buzz is with 30 Rock right now — not only did it win in this category last year, but none of its challengers are coming off their best seasons. If anything besides Tina Fey's expertly crafted sitcom wins, we promise to liveblog an episode of Two and a Half Men as penance.

Click to viewBoomp3.com A mysterious woman wanted to remain in the shadows and darkness of Hollywood after she was spotted with hotshot filmmaker Brett Ratner outside of Hyde Lounge. Ratner attempted to use some of his directorial skills to make the woman feel more comfortable in front of the camera, but she continued to march down the street with her back turned. Not even running into a couple of doors and a pay phone would stop the woman from walking with a blind eye to the other side of Sunset Blvd. [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In a savage coup of upstart infidels, the Unite for Strength ticket outlasted incumbent Alan Rosenberg's MembershipFirst slate in Thursday's SAG board election, thus opening a new era of moderation, peace and progress in Hollywood's rancorous labor wars. Or... not. Maybe? It's too soon to tell, frankly, with new leadership including Amy Brenneman, Scott Bakula, Adam Arkin, '05 loser Morgan Fairchild and Assaf "Brother of Sacha Baron" Cohen making up only a theoretical majority at best; studio-friendly Variety says the SAG/AMPTP squabble's days are numbered, union flunky Nikki Finke says that's "simpleton" piffle, and here in the middle, we can't help but notice that SAG's contract-negotiating team isn't changing at all. Still, we look to the future with cautious optimism perhaps best evoked by Rosenberg's concession on Thursday:

We were awoken in the middle of the night from our slumber-drawers here at Defamer HQ by a frantic security guard—an avid dog lover who won't shut up about Beverly Hills Chihuahua—simply beside himself over reports that two of Paris Hilton's 17 dogs were devoured by coyotes.Our first thought was that the predators were led to the innocent critters by one of Hilton's many befeathered nemeses, perhaps even holding a giant arrow reading, "ACME Coyote Food: This Way." Imagine our inconsolable employee's relief, then, when this statement was issued to People by a spokesperson for the Paris Hilton Yappy Lapdog Preservation and Heritage Fund: "They were at Paris' house Wednesday in her recording studio, and all the dogs were playing and looked as healthy and happy as can be. Paris even had a doggie mansion built for them and it is very secured." All of Paris's little crappers are present and accounted for. Carry on!

Let this be a lesson to all of you out there who suddenly realize everything you've devoted your professional lives to is worthless and destructive: Keep it to yourself! After Pat O'Brien fired off an e-mail to the ET and Insider staffs insisting their programming is making Middle America barf, he was swiftly beckoned to HQ, whereupon a mutually arrived decision "to part ways" came about, a rep for the show confirms. "We wish Pat much success." What's next for Pat? We hear Soap Network's Girlarrhea : The Search For The Last Pussycat Doll is looking for a host! [NY Daily News]

Like a gentrified neighborhood that has just seen the arrival of its first Bed, Bath & Beyond, cable channel Bravo is on the verge of losing its most important audience — the gays — as they migrate to parts unknown. Just recently, Project Runway decided to pull up shop and move to the suburbs of Lifetime, disappointing cablemates like Top Chef and Flipping Out, who assumed Runway would always be there to party with them into the wee hours of a shirtless last call. Now, another mainstay may depart; according to Page Six, Kathy Griffin is ready to move her Emmy-winning My Life on the D-List to someplace a little higher in the alphabet:

Last night was the first preview of the Katie Holmes-starring revival of All My Sons—a critic-proof production that will be remembered less for bringing new insights to the classic Arthur Miller text than it will be for hosting the most spectacular female celebrity disappearance since the days of Amelia Earhart and Shelley Long. (She'll first have to figure out a way to sever the 3000-mile-long, indestructible microfiber restraint tethered to her ankle, rigged to reel her in at the press of the button if she so strays so much as 15 feet from her Church-approved, "apartment-Barneys-theater" travel route.) Tom Cruise was largely credited with captaining the deafening standing ovation that met her bows—rich in first-pumps, index-finger #1s, and "It's all you tonight!" points towards the stage—until one handler had to pull the actor aside to quietly explain that the 78-year-old emphysema-sufferer seated in a wheelchair next to him was physically unable to, quote, "C'mon—get on your feet grandma and show my little lady some love!" From the AP report:

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your official tastemaking Bible for everything new and noteworthy at the movies. The second week of the fall season offers another mixed harvest of Oscar bait, multiplex placeholders and indie hopefuls, none more eagerly anticipated than the historically skeevy Dakota Fanning 2.0 drama Hounddog. But we'll get to that momentarily, along with this week's worthwhile DVD releases and an all-call for your own recommendations. As always, our opinions are our own — in times like these, who really wants to share? WHAT'S NEW: The first genuine Oscar-chasing release of the fall, The Duchess will likely split its viewership between pro- and anti-Keira Knightley factions before anyone bothers to acknowledge its broader, bodice-ripping appeal. So yes, Team Knightley: She deftly portrays Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, the late-18th-century heroine with the bitterly controlling husband (Ralph Fiennes), the rabble-rousing side dish (Dominic Cooper) and a surfeit of corsted, pre-feminist longing. The star and the film are beautiful, the direction assured and the awards-season creds affirmed — particularly Fiennes', whose customary wretchedness as the Duke acquires a kind of fascinating tenderness with age. If anyone should be on the Oscar bubble (besides the art and costume crew, which are locks), it's him.Still, in limited release, Duchess isn't competing for any box-office glory; that distinction belongs to Lakeview Terrace, the not-entirely-miserable Neil LaBute thriller featuring Samuel L. Jackson as a sociopathic cop out to get the hot interracial couple next door (Patrick Wilson and Kerry Washington). Against sturdy holdovers (Burn After Reading, The Family That Preys) and middling newbies (the Dane Cook slog My Best Friend's Girl, Ricky Gervais's leading-man debut Ghost Town), Lakeview will top out at $15.6 million. Cook will follow with $13.2 million; with half the screens and even less promotion, Ghost Town should still manage an even $6 million. Also opening: Ed Harris's old-old-school Western Appaloosa; Chris Smith's tiny, acclaimed Indian excursion The Pool; the gay-conversion melodrama Save Me; the wrenching immigrant day-in-the-life tale Take Out; and the Duchess-correcting, misogynist fantasia The Pink Conspiracy. THE BIG LOSER: You know, after we just predicted the Weinsteins would once again find their step in the multiplex, trust in Harvey to not only dump another subpar animated fairy tale on an unsuspecting public, but to essentially disown it. Such is Igor's lot, with its backers AWOL, its reviews tepid, and its voice talent (John Cusack, Molly Shannon, Steve Buscemi) trapped in a Straight-to-Flopz™ patchwork about a hunchback pursuing his dream of becoming a mad scientist. MGM is left to collect the grosses for this one, which won't break $5 million on 2,300 screens. Or, as they call it at Weinstein HQ, business as usual.

· Now you have no choice but to check in for our Emmy liveblog on Sunday: We'll be first with the results of the Ryan Seacrest/Jeff Probst bareknuckle rematch. [Jimmy Kimmel Live] · Appaloosa actor-director Ed Harris has clearly never listened to any Johnny Cash in his life. Ever. [EW] · On the fourth day of the global banking crisis, God said, "Let studio stocks rise." And it was good. [DHD] · He also said, "Let cable news ratings soar." That didn't go too poorly either. [The Live Feed] · Tina Fey's SNL riff on Sarah Palin today became NBC's most-viewed Web video ever. [THR] · First Harry Potter geeks, now Superman fans: All aboard the Warner Bros. hate-mail train! [Variety]

After an achingly long hiatus for all involved — especially for the celebrities observed below — Hollywood PrivacyWatch returns with the very special story of a traffic mishap gone horribly wrong, 90210 stars acting their age (unless you count drinking), and a not-so-quiet brunch. Our regrets for the time off — we'll pick it up in the future. And remember: PrivacyWatch sightings are submitted by Defamer operatives fanned out far and wide, so keep your tips coming. Be sure to include "Sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line — we want every furtive glance to count! This installment's sightings include Kim Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Pierce Brosnan, Farrah Fawcett, Marilyn Manson, Ari Emanuel, Marcia Cross, Isla Fisher, Jon Hamm, Larry Flynt, Chris Robinson, Peter Graves, Shenae Grimes, Dustin Milligan, Lisa Rinna, Bill Walton, William Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, Linda Evans, Gunnar Nelson (!) and more.THURSDAY, SEPT. 4 · Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said, "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me." Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough, hard-drinking, hard-partying, heavy-tanning life. Use sunscreen kids. Use sunscreen. · Tuesday night's Bob Dylan concert at the Santa Monica Civic was ripe with celebrities, and I do mean ripe. NBA legend and Laker dad BILL WALTON couldn't get a reserved seat, he actually got tossed out of his first one that he just bogarted and was forced to stand against the wall, until someone recognized him and gave him a different reserved seat. Fellow Irishmen COLM MEANEY and PIERCE BROSNAN were spotted separately briefly. Anything but standing room only for TV's and former funnyman RICHARD LEWIS. And finally, one of the NELSON BROTHERS, most likely GUNNAR. · I don't know if this counts, but I was having lunch at Porta Via and I spotted SWEET P (Project Runway, season 4) and a friend (boy? husband?). She walked by my table and was stunned when I called her name and that someone recognized her. She is sweet in person. I then had to explain Project Runway to my visiting co-worker from London. He remains confused. SATURDAY, SEPT. 6 · Air Canada flight 744 from LAX to Toronto ... A very laid back and un-made-up MARILYN MANSON (or "Mr. Warner" to the attendants) and Endeavor's ARI EMANUEL (in gym shorts and crocs) in business class, film festival-bound. SUNDAY, SEPT. 7 · Sunday afternoon, Silverlake - walked straight past KIEFER SUTHERLAND and a blonde woman in the Vons supermarket parking lot on Sunset / Hollywood / Virgil / Hillhurst / Sunset Drive. He was carrying the shopping bags (like a gentleman), no doubt stocking up on Haagen-Dazs to watch Britney's big comeback at the VMAs that night. More importantly, what is up with that K-hole of a junction? · ISLA FISHER and baby OLIVE were at the Grove on Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30. Isla was wearing an orange, off the shoulder, embroidered hippie-ish cotton dress (the type popular at Anthropology last year), and little Olive was wearing a mini version of the same thing in white. Her hair was in a loose braid. I saw her first walking through Anthropology (she was disappointed her hippie dresses went out of style) and then later walking into Nordstrom. I was not stalking her; she was stalking me. I am worried Isla does not has any friends in LA— what celebrity goes shopping by herself (babies don't count), at The Grove, on a Sunday? Don't judge me for being at the Grove; sometimes you just wind up there. I'm hopeful she'll have a new posse following her around after her new movie comes out. Either way, she has Sacha Baron Cohen. MONDAY, SEPT. 8 · I was walking my dog when I noticed Topanga from Boy Meets World (DANIELLE FISHEL) at Callender's Grill on Wilshire. She was sitting outside on the patio and in deep discussion with an older woman I didn't recognize. She had on really heavy eyeliner! TUESDAY, SEPT. 9 · Oh poor LARRY FLYNT the Porn King. Saw him at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Sweaty, quite icky looking and dazed. That's all I've got to say about that. · St. Louis to LAX Tuesday morning, JON HAMM was in first class. We talked to him at baggage claim, and he was ridiculously nice. The man is also really ridiculously good looking. I can't believe Sterling Cooper allows its employees to fly the friendly skies with American Airlines. WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10 · Montecito, the lush, obscenely wealthly Santa Barbara enclave is a great little getaway, especially if you go off season as to avoid the onslaught of Hollywood- from Oprah to Cameron Diaz. (I just shuddered.) Ordering a late breakfast at Xanadu when I saw that 2 feet away, WILLIAM BALDWIN and wife CHYNNA PHILLIPS are at a table waiting for their grub. Did not even recognize her. She looked beat- a skeletor-long raggedy hair, in a floor length white totally weird Hare Krishna getup. Not until Billy opened his sexy mouth to call her back inside to eat did I inwardly sigh upon hearing that famous Baldwin voice. Oh that dulcet, mellifluous voice! He looks good. My husband said "Has he done anything since Backdraft? ... Chynna was screeching into her cell; so obnoxious, looking for attention of which she got none, and finally for those of us eating outside, she succumbed to that Baldwin Brother siren-call and went back to her table. Yes sir, that is one good looking guy with a voice that makes my knees buckle. Yum Yum Yummy. Not the omelet, the Baldwin. THURSDAY, SEPT. 11 · One for the ages, PETER GRAVES, looking great for 82, in business class on my flight today from JFK to LAX. Like a dork, I smiled and said “Hi” as I trudged back to coach with the masses. I saw him doing a morning show yesterday (they all blend), some sort of “reunion” with Robert Hayes et. al, and there he was, on my airplane, on September 11th, making me feel better about flying. · MARCIA CROSS, one of TV's Desperate Housewives is sitting with me in AA ECONOMY from STL to LAX right now! How continental. SUNDAY, SEPT. 14 · Saw that guy who plays Ethan (DUSTIN MILLIGAN) and that girl who plays Silver (JESSICA STROUP) on the new version of 90210 having lunch together at Mani's on Fairfax. In this case, lunch meaning that he was eating while she watched. · The place: The Rose Bowl Flea Market. I'd always heard that lots of celebs frequented this, but in almost two years of faithful attendance, I'd never actually seen one. ... But today, I saw CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes (and ex-Kate Hudson husband), who appeared to be accompanied by a very comely lass. And that's the difference between a rock star and me (an accountant): Chris Robinson gets willowy, hot chicks, and i get girls who look like Chris Robinson. Conclusion: I have taken a severely wrong career path and am in the wrong profession. That is all. MONDAY, SEPT. 15 · Saw the new Brenda (SHENAE GRIMES) and Naomi (ANNALYNNE MCCORD, who incidentally makes me ache for Tori's acting chops) last night at the Belmont. New Brenda is as shockingly adorable in person as on TV but was completely sans trademark smile and actually appeared pouty and pissed at times. She and the even-less-beautiful-in-person Naomi (the new Emily Valentine?), who has overgelled 90's hair and is clearly skinnier than her own body type would prefer, were feverishly chain smoking. They were also HARDcore flirting with their waiter, the only guy there more interested in them than the cowboys and eagles. Between packs of cigarettes the girls were, yep, drinking. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: New Brenda's only 18. Oooooo! I hope new Jim and Aunt Becky don't find out, new 90210 is boring enough without old 90210's lesson-learned moralizing. TUESDAY, SEPT. 16 · So about an hour ago, 3:15 or so Wednesday afternoon, I'm going for a run along Beverly Blvd. I'm just E of Fairfax on the S side of the street when there's a pretty bad car wreck right in front of me. A westbound car turned left into the CBS gate, and a small car was gunning it eastbound in the lane closest to the sidewalk and didn't see them. So the security guard goes to one car, I tell another car to call 911. No one is critically hurt, but we help the guy who's bleeding pretty bad onto the sidewalk. I go out into the street to stand there and let people know they have to get over cuz one of the mangled cars is sitting in the middle of the intersection. After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident." At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection. She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-ass Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car. I hate humanity. WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17 · Saw LINDA EVANS at the Intercontinental bar last night. Fortunately she left before I had my third martini — otherwise I would've hummed the Dynasty theme to her. TODAY · LISA RINNA working out at Fitness Factory with her trainer. Her face looked like the clay pot in the movie Ghost after Patrick Swayze fucked it up.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Enjoying a causal stroll in New York City, megastar Charlize Theron stopped mid-stride and asked another New Yorker if there was something in her hair. The New Yorker didn’t want to get too close because, in his words, “I don’t want my wife to see us on TMZ and start to think we’re getting a divorce. I’m kidding.” Theron asked if he could take a more thorough look at her hair, because she walked under a tree and perhaps a rogue spider left the tree to make a nest. Standing on his tippy toes, the New Yorker looked through the Oscar-winner’s hair one last time and told her she was good. [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Now that the all-consuming "Who's the daddy?" question has been dealt with, 90210 watchers are finally forced to find other matters of interest, and there is no issue more talked-about right now than the weight of the show's lead actresses. No, we're not talking about Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth (and we're still not talking about you, Tori): we're talkin' "Brenda 2.0" Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup, who plays blog maven Silver. According to Us Weekly, the two are rarely seen eating, and even actor Penn Badgley from network rival Gossip Girl has weighed in on the girls' too-thin figures (firing a shot across the bow at Los Angeles in the process):

Too-Wild Irish Rose: The producers of Rose McGowan's new IRA drama 50 Dead Men Walking heard a strange ticking in their careers before calling in the bomb squad, publicly disavowing McGowan's comments at Toronto that she would have joined the Republican cause in the '70s if she had the opportunity. "Ms. McGowan's views were private ones, and as such they greatly saddened the film's producers," they wrote in a statement, adding that they apologized for any distress incurred by the "people of Northern Ireland and particularly those who were victims of or caught up in the shocking events that existed during the conflict." Still no apology from McGowan, however, who was reportedly busy preparing for Barbarella's rumored start in 2016. [THR]

Following John McCain's tough appearance on The View last week, members of the McCain family are finally taking their gloves off. First, wife Cindy complained at a fundraiser that Whoopi & Co. had "picked our bones clean," and now potential First Daughter Meghan McCain has waded into the fray, spilling to Jay Leno the dirt she gathered on the View hostesses from her own, separate appearance. Surprised to find she liked Joy Behar, she instead targeted Barbara Walters, whose cruel, passive-aggressive rules about hugging left Meghan very confused. Not as confused as we were, though, when Meghan was asked what problem her mother had with The View, and she enigmatically answered, "I just think there's a lot of estrogen on that show." Meow? [The Tonight Show]

Weeds' season concluded this week with more than a few disappointed viewers attempting to sort out what's gone wrong with their beloved Nancy Botwin and Co. A born storyteller herself, Molls knows a thing or two about plot, character, drama and the artistry that ties them all together. After the jump — and at no extra charge (except to us) — enjoy the McAleer Master Class in Weeds Restoration™. SPOILER ALERT: It includes your Thursday to-dos! We told you she's an artist.· Tokyo Police Club at the Henry Fonda Theater · Danica McKeller at Barnes and Noble · Speed Dating at Les Deux

Though financial doom has pushed superstar vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin off the front page of the news for now, celebrities (who regard the economy as little more than a cute diversion for the poor) are still as gripped with Palin-mania as ever. Now, hot on the heels of stars like Matt Damon, Lindsay Lohan, and Brooke Hogan, it's Margaret Cho's turn to opine on the veep choice, and though she's spilled copious amounts of e-ink on her Myspace blog to lobby against the Republican ticket, today found the comedienne in a state of confused ardor:

Click to viewBoomp3.com The unusually warm fall weather must’ve gotten the best of Renee Zellweger at the Los Angeles premiere of Appaloosa. As the Jerry Maguire star sauntered down the red carpet, she tugged and pulled the shoulder portion of her designer gown further off her neck and shoulder region. “It’s a lovely piece," Zellweger said. "But those things were smothering me like a bad boyfriend. You know: The kind that apologizes for every thing and, you know, just smothers.” As Zellweger reached the end of the red carpet, the temperature dropped a bit and she began to hike the shoulder portion back over her exposed flesh. “Sometimes," Zellweger added, "we make mistakes and we need a bit of coverage, like when you take back that smothering boyfriend. All he was guilty of was caring.” [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

While The Dark Knight's box-office trajectory has leveled out a smidge since becoming the fastest film to $500 million, the marketplace for morbidly exploitive Heath Ledger nostalgia has caught a new wave of holiday momentum. So say the proprietors of something called "Mr. Costumes," which proudly notes today that varieties of its Joker outfits account for nearly half of its adult costume sales for this Halloween. "The popularity of the movie and the cultural effect of Ledger's death have propelled seasonal demand for the villain costume," states a press release recently crapped into our inbox, "while effectively boosting the sales revenues and overall popularity of MrCostumes.com, an emerging player in the Halloween Costumes market." Classy, right? At $160 per (and on backorder through next week), they'd better be. But what if the kids want to be a disfigured, lip-smacking serial killer as well? Lucky them — that's covered, too.Even your little guy or gal can get in on the trick-or-treat sociopathy, as pictured here. And failing that, there's always the tormented anti-hero get-up (with or without muscled chest) for maximum doorstep brooding — viciously murdered ex-girlfriend sold separately, natch.