· We leave you today with a Defamer PSA emphasizing the perils facing anyone who dares so much as hint at the irrelevance of Dolly Parton. [NBC] · Credit where credit is due, even if it goes to Tom O'Neil: The awards freak changed his Dramatic Emmy prediction for best actor to Bryan Cranston last Friday. [Gold Derby] · Whoops! We take it all back: O'Neil actually bothered to report that Ricky Gervais and Steve Carell prearranged their Emmy "stunt" before the broadcast. [Gold Derby] · Because three Tyler Perry films per year aren't enough, the filmmaker/mogul has launched a new shingle to develop movies for both other directors and new, alternate actors who can play Madea. [Variety] · Warner Bros. lost its litigious warm-up for next year's Watchmen trial, failing to convince an Indian court that the film Hari Putter: A Comedy of Terrors infringed on its Harry Potter franchise. [NYT] · "The vomit shot out of Megan Fox like water from a geyser." Being a little hard on Diablo Cody's dialogue there, aren't you, John Horn? [LAT]

After one of our operatives wrote in last week to tell us the story of how Kim Kardashian's black Escalade (and bad attitude) held up rescue vehicles headed for a car accident, Kardashian herself repaired to her blog to set the record straight. Or did she? After reading Kardashian's missive, our tipster wrote in to rebut it, claim by claim.

This week on The View, Whoopi Goldberg has been cajoled into throwing caution to the wind and "dressing like a girl" (as Joy Behar so delicately put it). Yes, you read that correctly. Whoopi, whose style has been fondly described by our own Molls as "lesbian train conductor" chic, is trading in her Crocs and oversized collared shirts for Eileen Fisher dresses and patent red leather heels. Sure, she looks good. But her patronizing co-hosts are acting like a proud mother whose little Sally shed all that "baby fat" after being force-fed Nutrisystem for five months. "Look at you, girl, you're wearing a skirt!" cries Babs. "You're so sexy and hot, girl," chimes in Sherri. Gee, you can see Whoopi thinking, did I look that bad? [The View]

When faced with the difficult decision as to whether to watch the Emmys or go to the grocery store last night, our Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer weighed all of her options carefully before making the final call. As you might expect, there were pros and cons on each side. For instance, the Emmys are only on one night a year, whereas the local Ralph's is open 365 days a year. However, the grocery store has iced coffees, whereas the Emmys has Josh Groban making a fool of himself. So how did Molls end up spending her Sunday night? Find out in tonight's riveting installment of Defamer To Do's!· Alex and Sam at the Tangier. · Festival of California Poets at the Hammer Museum. · Human Giant presents Crash Test at UCB.

Sure, reality star Brooke Hogan doesn't know who Sarah Palin is (or the identity of our current vice president, for that matter), but it's only because she's been working so hard! After all, who has time to brush up on politics when you're busy taking striptease classes with your mother? Yes, on last night's episode of Brooke Knows Best, Brooke decides that a pole-dancing lesson will be just the thing she needs for a workout, and she decides to bring mother Linda along, too. Showing off the moves that would eventually bag Linda a nineteen-year-old boyfriend and strain her relations with Brooke, the cougar supremo humps the pole and floor in an unnerving mother/daughter celebration of post-postmodern female empowerment, disguised as a workout routine at Crunch. We can't wait until a very special Christmas episode of Brooke Knows Best, when Linda returns the favor and gifts Brooke with a coupon for pairs' Kegel exercises at the downtown Miami Y. [VH1]

The W. news cycle is picking up again in advance of its Oct. 17 release date, and this time around no one even had to go to jail: A few days after Vanity Fair showcased a fresh family photo from the Shreveport set, a new, more irony-embracing TV spot is circulating online. View it after the jump, and tell us if Defamer's finely calibrated crystal ball didn't see the George W. Bush and Friends Variety Hour vibe coming a mile away. And if you still don't believe Oliver Stone had a laff riot in mind from the belated start, a new interview with GQ not only confirms it, but introduces a fantastic, regrettably retroactive casting rumor that would have elevated our expectations beyond W. simply backfiring in Democrats' faces next month:

Oh, celebrities - even though US Weekly says They're Just Like Us!, they often seem to inhabit stratospheric heights. Take Oprah Winfrey, for example. She founded that school in South Africa. Her Angel Network raised money for Katrina relief efforts. And who can forget Oprah's Favorite Things!, when she nearly sends hordes of teachers in her audiences into cardiac arrest by giving them free cars and red velvet cupcakes. Well, apparently Opes is just as greedy as the rest of us.Over the weekend, Oprah hit up an Emmy swag suite and - gasp! - actually took something home with her. A purple-grey Lesportsac limited edition bowling style bag designed by Stella McCartney. Really, Oprah? We would've gone for one of these cool hats, like Neal Patrick Harris did. Lookin' good, Doogie. [Photo Credit: Getty Images]

It's been a rough weekend for Dane Cook: after being publicly shamed by our own Molly McAleer, the comedian saw his romantic comedy My Best Friend's Girl tank at the box office. Now, TMZ is reporting that thanks to his incontinent dog, Cook has been evicted from his apartment — though his attempt to fight the ruling may have provided us with the beleaguered actor's first amusing work in years:

During this year's NBA Finals, a courtside power summit at Staples Center provided stirring insight into the intimate camaraderie between Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and Eddie Murphy. (You might recall Sylvester Stallone joining in when Katzenberg visited the men's room.) We're learning even more today about that alliance, which, in addition to Spielberg's orotund ref-hating, influenced detente in ways not seen since Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill converged at Yalta. The stakes: Peace between directors Spike Lee and Clint Eastwood, who had feuded over representations of African-American soldiers (or the lack thereof) in Eastwood's films. Lee remembers it like it was yesterday:

Today on Live With Regis and Kelly, pint-sized Kelly Ripa strapped herself into a harness and ventured skywards to awkwardly join illusionist David Blaine in the midst of his latest attention-whoring stunt: hanging upside down for three days in New York's Central Park. He stopped eating a week ago so he won't have to go to the bathroom and is using a catheter, plus, he's been warned the feat may leave him blind. Fun! But nay, fear is not a factor for Blaine - who told Ripa he's only scared of beatles and spiders. Ripa, on the other hand, had her greatest fear realized while vocalizing it: "looking like a basset hound on TV." [Live With Regis & Kelly]

For many girls, turning sixteen is a landmark event that signals the end of being a kid and the onset of new, adult behavior. Why, just check out how tween queen Miley Cyrus is preparing for the occasion: she's kissing girls, eating her clothes off, dating an underwear model, and ready to party with thousands of her favorite gays! There's only one inconvenient reminder of her childhood left: her Disney hit Hannah Montana, which TMZ says Cyrus is keen to leave behind by any means necessary:

Click to viewBoomp3.com The New York University chapter of the Alpha Phi Zeta held their annual fall kick off scavenger hunt over the weekend in the Big Apple. This particular team consisted of a few pledges and their future sorority sister who, according to them, will be victorious in the "Best Photo With A Celebrity" after stumbling upon Pineapple Express star James Franco in the street. Meghan Jefferson, who’s been with the sorority for three years now, believes that this strongest and biggest celebrity photograph so far. Jefferson said, “Last year, Jamie and Sarah got their picture taken with Bill Clinton, which in theory is awesome, but he’s nowhere as hot as James Franco. I mean, look at those eyes and that perky smirk of his. We’re totally going to get control of the DVR for the next two months.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Adding one more scandal to Wal-Mart's long list of corporate infractions, a federal criminal investigation is underway after photos of Jamie Lynn Spears breast feeding her daughter, Maddie, have leaked. Jamie Lynn's boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, apparently dropped off his camera card at a Louisiana outpost of the store, where an employee may have made extra copies of an image in which Jamie Lynn's underaged left breast is exposed. The employee is now peddling off that picture, as well as others, including one of her in a negligee. Wasilla Wal-mart workers, take note. In other Spears family body news, Britney's weight fluctuates yet again:We know we're not the only ones who heard the"I'm Mrs. 'She's Too Big, Now She's Too Thin'" lyric in Britney's song Piece of Me and wondered: 'in the age of idealized anorexia, who ever thought Britney was too thin?' Now we have our culprit: the Daily Mail said BritBrit looked "unbelievably svelte" while grabbing her nightly frappucino this weekend before catching My Best Friend's Girl, in which her vagina starred as the left side of Dane Cook's face. [Photo Credits: X17, Getty Images]

It's true that Alec Baldwin recently confessed to a bit of a suicidal streak, but those dark nights of the angry-voicemail-leaving soul should have a little more to redeem them on the bright shining day after his first Emmy win for 30 Rock. Shouldn't they? Or are we to trust last Friday's haunting 20/20 exchange with Diane Sawyer — the darting eyes, the professed disinterest in his own life and that earnest eagerness to shuffle off show business's mortal coil? While we hope we never have to find out, Baldwin's almost overnight shift in fortune suggests that someone up there is looking out for him. Like, you know, his publisher. Either way, Alec, don't retire; without you, Tina Fey really does have nothing but an eternity of Sarah Palin jokes to look forward to. [ABC]

Breaking news (must credit Defamer): Sarah Palin resembles Tina Fey! In fact, the Comparison That Wouldn't Die has proved so strong that even though a game Fey sated fan expectations by playing Palin in Saturday Night Live's season opener, she still can't escape interrogation about what she really thinks of the vice presidential candidate. At the Emmys last night, the multiple winner was quizzed by both Ryan Seacrest and backstage journalists about Palin, and Fey made a fervent plea for November to provide her with the change she needs:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Suri Cruise brought the ruckus to the streets of New York on Saturday afternoon. The fashionable toddler’s world appeared to be swollen with disappointment after her parents, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, brought out the wrong stuffed animal to play with. Tom thought that his daughter wanted to play with her Curious George doll in the car, but Suri thought otherwise. Suri Cruise said, “In the future, I would prefer a series of options. I like George. He’s great, but I want to be able to choose from a wide variety of toys. Maybe George and Demarco the pink bear want to have a tea party together. Options, dad. Let’s look into them next around, okay?” [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Fallout is almost always a certainty in the corrosive cosmos of awards-show aftermaths, but rarely do we spend the next morning sealing our windows as painstakingly as we have since the end of the Emmys. From the botched opening — which even Jeremy Piven was actively (and publicly) scrubbing from memory less than 30 minutes into the show — to the nightmarishly accelerated climax, this year's Emmycast found creative new ways to alienate pretty much everyone in three hours or less. You essentially know where we stand on the damage scale, but others were not so lucky; keep your oxygen tanks and penicillin handy for a brisk survey of the casualties.· Early reports indicate the Emmys suffered their worst ratings ever: Roughly 12.2 million viewers tuned in, a 7% percent drop from 2007 and about 100,000 fewer than the previous low in 1990. Explanations range from primetime NFL competition to the Kimmel lead-in getting blown out by 60 Minutes, but let's be honest: If Katherine Heigl wasn't coming, why would America? · No one was more disappointed than beat writers at the Nokia Theater, who waited in vain for winners who never arrived. The culprit: The long elevator detour to the press room, as opposed to last year's nearby tent at the Shrine. But, reports Variety: "There's no question that the buffet laid out for the hungry scribes was far better than any Emmy nosh in years." · As such, the Academy's generosity paid off in karmically complimentary reviews like USA Today's:

Recently, things had been looking up for singer George Michael: not only had he embarked on his first world tour in years, but his music received another moment in the cultural spotlight thanks to the whimsical ABC series Eli Stone. (Here at Defamer, though, we'll maintain that his most triumphant turn of late was leading the insurrection against a held-hostage Dr. Phil at the Forum in June). Alas, all good things must come to and end, and for Michael, that fluorescent-lit endpoint was once again found in a public men's room:

Good morning to you, the loyal Defamer reader. A few quick administrative notes to share with you on this Monday morning. First off, Seth is taking a well-deserved vacation this week; while we're all going to miss him, we're happy to announce that Amy Kaufman has agreed to join us for the next two days in a guest blogger capacity. For those of you that are unfamiliar, here's a quick bio.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Lost castaway Evangeline Lilly returned to the mainland to participate the 60th Annual Emmy Awards on Sunday night. As she walked the luxurious red carpet, Lilly was asked if she ever thought about getting any plastic surgery in the future. Lilly chuckled slightly, then demonstrated what her face may look like if she got the Joan Rivers special. In a cruel twist of fate, Rivers happened to be watching the ceremony through her crystal ball and summoned up a few evil spirits in order to cast a spell that froze Lilly's face that like for a week. Lilly mumbled as she walked, “That Joan Rivers serves a cold and bitter dish of revenge. The make up call times that I'm going to need to fix this hex aren’t going to be fun, either.” [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.